I dont understand why God continues to bless me and use me. Why does He speak through me? Why do things hit me like a ton of bricks that others never even thought of.... why do things at church that are just edification messages really paint a whole new picture on a whole new subject.

Today at church the sermon was about Mary and Joseph.... Here's the thing that hit me out of this whole sermon tho.... What was the biggest thing that stood out to me? Fear! So much fear..... Brett put it best in his sermon tho.... If an angel of the Lord appears to you and says "this is how it will be" ... are you going to argue with him? Well, thats what Mary did.... she questioned how a virgin birth could happen.... eventually tho, she realized that it was to be..... then joseph.... You kinda have to feel bad for the man.... the woman he loves goes away for 3 months and she comes back pregnant.... what do you think? Honestly, put that in the context of today.... there'd be some pretty creative names for Mary.... Think of the fear that kept joseph from believing.... but God understood and gave him a message.... and it was tough.... ultimately, fear hindered them both but didnt stop them.... but what if it had? Think about that the next time you KNOW you have to make a decission and you KNOW what that decission needs to be but you are scared to death.... just think that if fear ultimately won over Mary and Joseph.... think of what would have changed..... just think about it.... then ask yourself if you are ready to destroy something beautiful that God has planned. In so many cases the things God prepares for us is absolutely not logical in any way shape or form.... and these thoughts have been hitting me all day and then I was telling Kim the story of my car situation when I first moved here to VA. If you cant remember, look back on my blog.... very interesting times.... but here is the thing.... God had really provided for my needs as well as someone else's needs. There was alot of stupid stuff that happened.... and alot of dumb luck.... and I made decissions that made people go "what the heck is he doing... he is such an idiot and has no clue about anything" .... but I did what I believed.... and in the end..... well, let's just say this.... how many people can say "ummm.... I ended up with an extra car... what should I do with it?" Sure, the logical worldy answer is sell it.... but if God has opened a door and completely provided for your needs and gave you more than enough.... what is the best thing to do? Use the abundance to bless others.... it's what I did then.... and it's what I hope to do now. See thats the thing that no one realizes.... making the unpopular decissions is so many times the decission God wants us to make so that He can abundantly bless us. Sure I was called stupid.... yes, to my face.... but I stuck through with what I needed to do.... sure I was hurt by the reaction.... but I did what I believed I needed to do..... and what ended up happening? Well, in an amazing way, I ended up with being forgiven of a $2k loan in a time of more need.... So God provided for my needs, I used the abundance that He gave me to provide for someone else's needs (whether they wanted God to provide or not) and in the end, all it did was provide for another one of my needs....

So here's something on a more personal level that is really bugging me.... and I'm scared to death to post this because of being yelled at for it.... but I guess I need to do what I feel is right.... maybe this will somehow minister to someone else.... I dont know how, but then again, I never dreamed when I started this blog that I would get emails from complete strangers saying how much I have impacted their life.... so anyway, a few months before Tiff and I broke up, we were looking into ways for her to move to Virginia..... moving in with me was an option.... (before you say it, shut up).... it made sense in a lot of senses and I really prayed about it but the end was Tiff felt it was going to destory her dream of getting to Vet school.... amazingly, God clearly showed that being a VA resident only increased her chances of Vet School.... but then it was more of an issue of us living together..... now let me take a break here..... When someone says "God told me to _____ " you do have to be very skeptical.... but at the same time, you have to weight it against Biblical guidelines. There is nothing in the Bible that I could find that indicates a man and woman should not live in the same house/apartment.... However, it does say about temptation.... therefore, I have to say that most people shouldnt do it..... but, it is not Biblical wrong..... if someone tells you that "God said this is the 67th book of the Bible" then you immediately know its not because in Revelation is specifically states not to add or remove from the words of Scripture.... Relate this back to Mary and Joseph and think about it..... was there anything wrong with being pregnant before marriage? Well, no... there wasnt.... but sex before marriage is definately wrong. So put that into perspective.... an image was painted of a sinful act, but it really wasnt.... and this was the source of our Lord........ ok, so anyway, it was an issue of us living together.... So next thing I did was talk to my pastor because it was very important to see Tiffany's dreams come true... it was also very important that we were able to spend more time together to keep our relationship alive.... Mike told me he didnt agree with her moving in with me but he said he wasnt saying no but he was advising against it.... either way, Tiff had made up her mine and that was fine. So, Just like God gave Moses the option of taking Aaron along with him, God gave another option here.... Moses argued with God that he was not able to do what God had commanded. God became frustrated with Moses but then did bring Aaron along to go along side him.... God gave a second chance to Moses to be involved in this great thing God was about to do. So the second chance in this story... We were going to find someone at the church that Tiff could live with.... whether it be a family, room mate..... heck.... Mike even told me the church was looking for some office staff that Tiff could fill and actually have an income while getting ready for vet school.... It wasnt long after this that Tiff and I fell apart.... I started becomming an emotional basket case and I was too much for her to deal with.... I was getting worse because I didnt have her here with me and it seemed like she was .... well, it doesnt matter.... I felt rejected in the relationship and eventually, she said it had to end and she gave up..... and for the longest time I said that that must have been the way God meant it to be. Fear is what killed alot of hopes and dreams.... and I dont believe that things would still be as they are now if fear hadnt killed a relationship.... my fear of Tiff leaving me, and Tiff's fear of her parents rejecting her and her fear of commitment.....

Earlier I said that things arent as they should be and that is why I need to make some pretty tough decissions right now. No one likes to make tough decissions so thats where I'm at... but that is the extent of it.... I am extremely happy in my life right now..... And God is taking care of me and He is providing for me... and He is using me whether I am worthy of it or not.... in fact, I'm probably the least worthy of serving God.... I'm not even worthy of cleaning His toilets! So whats the problem? Well.... this isnt how God intended it.... not at all. I'm faced with the decission of staying in VA for my church for Christmas and being completely alone.... or I can go home and miss out on church.... so whats wrong? Well.... whats wrong is that Tiff isnt here..... I believe that Tiff and I both needed to get away from our families because they were both killing us.... nothing against the families (I really do love my family) but it was becoming stressful.... God was starting to do things in my life and in Tiff's life that just werent east for our families to accept... more so than that, there were HUGE hinderances to what God wanted us to do.... Basically, both families put alot of fear in us from doing the right things..... not that it was intentional.... it just happened.... bottom line is we needed out.... and I am out now and my dreams are coming true .... Sure, im not seemingly progressing too well on the goal of my life (having a great wife and kids) but I know God's setting up plan B (or maybe it's C or D... or Q) for my family.... The thing is this.... if Tiff was living in VA, by now she would have been completely comfortable here.... and I think that it would have been a no brainer that Tiff and I stay in VA for Christmas.... we'd have each other to spend time with and we would be here for New Life.... the ultimate reason why ALOT of people at New Life are now living in Northern VA. So there it is.... the no brainer.....

So now you've read this.... its out there in the public... and please think of me because I've probably just destroyed alot of hope of things working towards the direction that I had hoped them to.... It feels good to get this out there but I know I know I've pretty much.... well, lets just say I'm a bit worried about the results of this.... but the thing is.... if this post ministers to someone and touches someone.... maybe makes someone else feel a bit better... or shows them a way that they have been avoiding... well, then I guess any pain that I get because I posted this is all worth it. It's not about me.... its not about what I have.... its about what I can give.... and that is what is most important to me. I have alot of frustrations in my life... but the biggest one of all is when I see someone hurting and I cant do a single thing about it..... that is the worst frustration for me.

But people still may ask me what it is that I truly want for Christmas. If I could ask for one selfish thing for me for Christmas, what would it be? Honestly? It would be when I arrive back to my parents house this Thursday, I see Tiff sitting there waiting for me.... a big hug would be nice too.... but then again, that is the last thing possible that will happen.... especially after I posted this..... so I guess maybe I should ask for a second choice for my selfish thing that I could do for me..... Somehow, someway, see that Tiff's dreams are coming true and that she is once happy again.... but then again, I dont have control over that.... only she can make the decissions so I'm out of the loop....

So there.... there is alot of what has been on my mind.... alot of it tied together with things that God showed me today.... plenty of stuff in there to completely attack me with... plenty of stuff for people to come back on me about..... I'm sure there's stuff in there that people will make out to be that I'm a horrible Christian or that I'm an idiot.... or that I'm making stuff up.... or that I'm being too personal... or that I'm saying too much... or that I'm hurting myself or others or that I'm doing this or that..... but yaknow what? There is one thing that I have learned over the last few years.... its that all these people that continually tell me they are only trying to teach me a lesson have, in all reality, taught me one of the most important lessons of my life..... that it doesnt matter what others think...... Honestly... you want to attack me for something, go right ahead.... something tells me that your not gonna be the first and that your definately not going to be the last.... I'm not anywhere near worthy of being God's servant, but for some reason, I am.... and just like anyone else out there who really truly wants to serve God, I am on the same level as Mary, Joseph, Job, James, Mathew, Mark, etc, etc.... I follow what I believe and what God shows me and shares with me.... So go ahead.... there is a cross with my name on it.... it has all of the sins that I ever commited.... so nail me to it.... because when you do that, I know that I can look to the side and see Jesus hanging there on the cross next to me.... I can look in His eyes and ask Him to remember me.... He will then tell me that I will spend eternity with Him in Heaven.....

(It took me an hour to write this blog and may just be one of the top 10 longest posts I ever made - maybe even the longest - but I guess if you're reading this line here, you made it through and you truly are interested in my life and what thoughts I have on my mind. I dont suspect that I'll hear much from anyone tho because I would think most people have stopped about half way through this. If your reading this tho, please send me an email or post a comment and let me know.)