Honestly... more than anything.... I just want to be myself. I need to be able to express myself and be who Bob K Mertz really is. I feel like I have been restricted from that.... and its occuring to me that that is really one of the biggest roots of all of my problems. I hold in so much that I just need to express... and its good stuff as much as bad.... There are so many good things that I want to accomplish... some I have... some I want to do.... but I'm so affraid to do it because of the implications of it.... No one will let me be myself. It's an issue of being who everyone else wants me to be. They say that you cant please everyone but in my case, it really feels like I can't please anyone! I need to be myself.... I need to do the thing that I need to do to express myself. If that means doing something nice for someone then I need to be able to do it..... This is why my heart is becoming so hard... I'm not able to use my heart anymore... it's like I'm not allowed.... I'm restricted from using my heart and it's really becomming a "dont use it and lose it" thing.... I cant express myself so my heart is hardening.... very hard.....

I just need to express myself. It's something that I thought anyone who really cared about me would want me to do.... but I'm not able to....