Wednesday, May 11, 2005

No one grasps the fact of how serious what was said over this past weekend is.... I died Friday.... Right now I am in a complete mere exsistance. I exsist in a physical body and a physical body only. There is a good chance that in my heart I love Tiff to death... that I love God to death... that I want to serve Him.... that I love my family to death... there is a good chance that in my heart I still really enjoy my job.... the problem is that I dont feel anything in my heart anymore. My last efforts... my last prayers.... the last things I did that I really truly looked to God for exploded in my face.... now Tiff and I are having problems again.... why? Simply because I dont have any feeling in my heart.

There is nothing for me to do anymore.... there is really seriously nowhere for me to turn down here in VA. Before I "died" I looked to get help... I found lots of contacts... I got all the information.... I really believed I needed counseling.... but because my health insurance is so bad it will cost me $50 a week to see a psychologist (and I have found Christian ones) and then another $50 a month to see a psychiatrist because that is the rules of my insurance company.

Friends? Yes, I have two EXTREMELY good friends down here.... but neither one is a Christian... they cant help me the way I need help.

I dont feel anything anymore... I dont feel emotions at all.... at times I cry but I dont even feel the reasons why I cry anymore. In order to help me some people are going to have to take very drastic routes.... but no one I know is willing to take those..... The last thing I felt in my heart is when I did something very big for a very important person.... and the fact that that meant nothing killed me... I prayed about a few things and God opened many many doors to make those two things happen... God provided a way for those to happen.... but then they didnt work out.... so what then? My mom says that maybe it wasnt God... well... that makes me feel even worse because in that case the last couple things I really felt love and emotion from my heart where from satan....

So far two people might really know how serious this situation is.... both of them said to give them a list of what they can do..... but you know what... there is nothing that I can say.... I dont have a list of things that can help... I dont know what would help me.... I dont know if there even is anything..... well, there is one thing.... but thats a very drastic step that someone is not willing to take.

Why am I still alive in this mere phsycial exsistance? The truth is I am too chicken to kill myself. I guess I am still affraid of God which might be the last glimer of hope that I have.... but the truth is, I would have died physically a long time ago if it was not for the fact that I am affraid to.

Am I scared? I was... I told people I was.... but I guess I spill my problems alot and no one figured this was any more serious than any other problem I had. Am I scared? Not anymore.... Im losing my emotion and I think that it is only a matter of time before I lose my fear of God.... If that happens then my physical body will die shortly after.

Whats it going to take? In short... a miracle.

1 comment:

DoOfUs125 said...

I take you seriously, I understand how the never ending frustrations and doubts overtake everything you feel, most people just don't understand why you feel the way you do so they take it as being an idle comment when in reality you feel like everything is being turned upside down. I know you can't see the light or hope at the end, but trust me it's there, but behind all the hurt and frustration it's hard to see. Hang in there bro, I'm here for you.