First, if you read this at all, you must read it all....

Ok... where to start. First of all... I am really dealing with something.... I still have not gotten over the decision that was made for me by close friends while I was in the hospital. Deciding for me that I should not be talking to Tiff was the single most destroying thing that happened to me. The worst part is, it was good intentions. So how do you treat that. You would hope that seeing upon how bad it hurt that some people might realize that maybe it wasnt the best thing..... but thats not what has happened. I know of 4 people invovled. Jason, Jim, my mom, and Matt..... and ive been working this through with each one of them. My guess is that Matt doesnt even realize what happened.... he was just asked some questions. My next guess that is when I talk to my mom about it, she is going to lie. Only because she doesnt want to hurt me.... Jim is right there with Jason but yet understands that defensiveness is bad.... thank God for one friend that realized that interfering would be bad and just didnt get involved. Anyway... thats the first thing on my mind. Second thing on my mind.... my life needs to get back in order.... and I NEED TO GET BACK TO GOD! Thirdly... I wish that I could help Tiff... but yet I know I cant. Fourth... I cant wait to get back into counseling a little bit. Fifth... finances.

Ok.. so what happens now? I, of course, had 4 hours to think about this while it was on my mind the entire drive home from VA today. Finances... eating out.. bad.... also, eating out with Jim and Jason.... honestly... its bad for my mood right now. I dont really know why but its been eating at me. So I stopped at Wal Mart tonight and picked up groceries... I'm going to give this a shot. What else? I'm going to try to cut WAY back on pop.... caffeine is SOOO bad for me in this situation.... looks like the pop machine at CCI is gonna take a hit. I dug out my old cooler.... bought some sandwhich bags and a case of water as well as others.... I'm walking into CCI tomorrow with a laptop on my back and a cooler in my hand. And then I started to think how am I going to handle a 1/2 hour lunch (yes, 1/2 hour... that means each day I will be getting an extra 1/2 hour of pay since I wont be taking an hour lunch - more good finances)..... Well, I need to get back to God... the reading before I go to bed isnt helping... so what better to suplement a sandwich than the good ol' fashioned WORD OF GOD. Honestly, I dont know how this is going to work out. My desire for the Lord is not where is should be but I'm going to try to devote time at lunch to read and to pray. It will only take me a few mins to eat as it usually does and its not fair to go back to work right away since I wont be getting paid for that half hour... so I'm going to go off to the side and read.... I'm gonna try it... I sure hope it works... I need God back. Well, not that He ever left... I guess I just need to look back to Him. Situation with those that hurt me? Well, that is going to have to be left to God right now. I am coping pretty well with that situation right now... it is hurting but that is the extent of it.... even Jason said how much ive matured and noted that when we actually talked about that situation I did not blow up.... I dont want to... it will do no good. I just need to leave it in the Lord's hands.... He knows how much it hurt me and if something needs done, the Lord will guide each person involved... I do need to talk to Matt tomorrow tho and just get things cleared up between me and him.... he is definately still my best friend.... I also really need to consider something else... bowling monday nights..... financially its not good, and emotionally it might not be either... I love bowling but im not liking going there every monday night... plus things in the league are just not right, and... thats another day I could ski per week..... I guess I'll need to talk to my dad about that... but gosh... thats gonna hurt me to do it and hurt him if it comes to me pulling out of the league.... I dont know. Either way... for most of the things that came up, I think I have really good plans for them.... I just pray that I can carry them through.... Keep me in your prayers.... and keep Tiff in your prayers too.... as for her... I need to know... but I cant be involved.... before I was there to lead her into making the right decissions.... its not my turn this time... it's hers. The only thing I can do is sit and watch... but I'm thankful that I am able to watch... I need that.... she needs that..... and by all means, if she makes a right decission and needs help... I'll be here.... she just has to make that decission.... it's hers to make... not mine.

Thanks to all who have been praying.... I'm going to pack a lunch (I cant believe I just used those words) and then head to bed. Good night all!