Work... rough... after work... interesting.... getting on the boat... greatest thing in the world.

I had a great night.... tanya and eli and I went out on Steve's boat with him. It was the time of my life... it was something I needed.... and there were a few moments where I just stared at tanya.... a couple times she looked back at me and smiled..... like two people meeting for the first time. What does that mean? Who really knows in my mind... it was really nice tho.... and really made me feel good. And Eli... man... he had a blast! It was just an extremely good night.... we then went to Tanya's house... Eli was asleep so we sat outside and talked for a little bit.... we talked about alot of stuff.... stuff that needed to be said..... I started feeling really good..... she told me that she still loved me too..... because everyone knows that I still love her.... what does that mean? Again, who really knows..... but its nice. She spilt some stuff to me that if she would have told me before we broke up -- well, it would have changed a few things..... but I was happy she told me now.... that meant alot to me.... then she started showing me how badly I hurt her.... this killed me... it had to be said and I had to hear it but it KILLED me.... honestly at that point I was feeling pretty suicidal..... passively (thank God)..... but I ended up going into a panic attack... and she was there for me... she calmed me down..... and then I held Eli. I realized that after all of that pain that I caused her, she forgave me.... and I guess that means alot too...... There are some things I am worried about if Tanya and I would get back together.....things that kinda led to the breakup.... but I sit back and think if everything is supposed to be perfect, how am I ever going to find anyone? I was truly happy with Tanya..... but yes, I was happy with Tiff too.... but Tiff is another story..... I needed a friend so bad this weekend.... she STILL has not so much as emailed me. We're working on a friendship but im starting to wonder if she even wants that..... maybe I am just beating my head against the wall. I would really like another chance with Tiff..... if for nothing else, just to know how it would end or if it would end.... but am I going the wrong direction? I was truly happy with Tanya... I wasnt worried with her..... but I will be worried with Tiff.... she cheated on me once, and broke my heart more times..... but then I think.... why am I drawn back to her? Is there more there than I can see.... or anyone else can see?

Did I ever mention Tanya was beautifull? :) Going out on the boat in her cute tennis shoes and pink fleece and jeans..... wow :) Just so cute! She cares for me alot..... she would do anything for me.... well almost anything..... where do I go? Time will tell......

Am I creating a screw up just to fix another screw up I had? Maybe I shouldnt have broke up with Tiff back in May.... maybe I didnt give her the chance to explain that I should have..... but am I supposed to go backa nd correct it? I dont know.... I guess we will see in the next chapter of my drama.