Sometimes maturity is doing what we dont want to do. Thats something that some people have told me and I guess maybe I'm a little more mature tonight.... Even if it is just a tad.
I was looking forward to going out to Wolf Park this month and to seeing Tiff but I've realized some things all over again that I've known for a while -- I simply can not let myself be put in a position where I have to wait for other people to make decissions. There still has been no final decission on when I was going or even if I was going.... and it really has been bugging me. The only option I had was to make the decission that I was not going. People can change but I realized that Tiff hasnt yet.... and it hurts me to say that but I realize that there are still so many things that God is working on her with and they are things that would only be clouded with me being in the way. I was being really positive in my thoughts but I realized as I got closer to a point where Tiff and I were becomming friends all over again that the path led straight to the same place I was at before. I just simply do not want to be in a position where a friendship confuses me and pulls me away from God.
I care about her alot but I realized a couple of months ago (for the first time) that Tiff was not the one for me. Tonight, I sent an email making that clear. Sometimes friendships are important to keep but sometimes they can just complicate things. Someday God is going to show me that amazing girl (or maybe he already has and I'll learn this later) and it just simply would not be fair for me to be around Tiff because of the history. It just isn't right. I can not let anything be in the way that would make my future wife have a reason to worry. I want to have a relationship with my wife that I trust her 100% and I know that if she says "that guy is cute" I know thats where it stops and I have no reason to worry about her leaving me or giving up on me. I want it to be the same thing in the other direction.... and spending time with an ex is definate cause for alarm. When I was with Tiff it bugged me all the time when I heard that she was hanging out with Jim... I didnt believe it was right but I dealt with it. She started learning of how it bugged me so the solution was to hide it from me which only caused more reasons for me not to trust her.... These are things that I have experienced. I really hope that she learned from them but I'm scared that she didnt. But I know the pain associated with secrets being kept and I do not want to do that to my wife... I dont want to give her a reason to believe that secrets are being kept from me.... I may not know who she is but she is already a very important person to me and I have to think of her. I've realized that you dont neccesarily have to be doing something wrong for it to seem like you are.... Anything at all that would jeopardize my relationship with my wife simply just can't be allowed.
This is some hard stuff for me to write but I need to get it out there. Tiff came back into my life for a very short while again and I'm so glad she did.... for no other reason than I now have shown myself that I truly am over her.... I was over her long before she came back but sometimes when you experience it, it helps you believe it alot more. My wife is waiting for me.... somewhere.... and now I'm sure that I am ready for her!
The waves are coming in... I need to grab my surfboard and run into them.... and yell