Friday, September 22, 2006

So I think tonight is one of those nights where I really need to wrap things up here. Alot has happened today.... well, actually... only one MAJOR thing.... but aside from that I wasnt feeling well and there were some other strange conversations that took place.

Anyway.... I really need to write down here how I really feel about the things with Tiff. A few months ago I really started realizing that I needed to get over her completely.... because no matter what, there was always a part of me that was so concerned about her that it was affecting myself. That was when I joined eHarmony. My frustrations continued because absolutely none of my matches were responding to me... then one day I got a match with a girl named Kim. We quickly made it through the guided communication phase and were into open communication. It wasnt long before we were talking on the phone and we were connecting like I never believed was possible. When I pulled into Kim's driveway the day I went to see her, she was sitting outside and before I got out of my car I had to wipe tears away from my eyes. She was just so beautiful. After all the conversations that Kim and I had and now the physical meeting... I knew I loved her -- and I knew that I didnt love Tiff in the way that I thought I did.

Kim and I had this amazing connection that still to this day boggles my mind. Even just writting this thinking back on what I had with Kim kind of chokes me up because it really was special. Right around the time that Kim and I knew things were really as they should be, her parents decided they had a problem with some things and we both were fearing the worst. My last phone conversation with Kim was the most touching phone call I had ever had. One problem I always had with Tiff was that things weren't important for her to tell me. If she wanted to hang out with a guy that was her right and she wasnt even going to mention it to me because I had no right to even know. Truth is, I never did mind until I realized that she hid it all from me. Things started occuring in her life that directly affected me and she never told me because she wasn't strong enough. This phone conversation with Kim was hard for both of us. She knew she had to make a decission not to see me anymore even though she didnt want to. It was extremely touching because Kim loved me enough to give me the news straight out. She didnt try to hide the situation.... She knew it affected me and that she was not going to be able to keep everyone happy so she did what she believed was the best thing she could.... she broke up with me. I admire her for that. I think that's a big reason to be admired! Kim and I had both told each other that we loved them.... and we did. When Kim broke up with me, I felt love that I had never felt before. Kim was totally 100% honest with me and her honesty was the biggest expression of love that I had ever experienced. I miss her.... I miss her dearly. Not a single day goes by that I dont see her face in my mind and think of the amazing love that I had experienced. In all of this I realized that what Tiff had for me was not true love. If nothing else came out of my relationship with Kim, I was taught what love is all about. It's about giving up everything you have for the person that you love and sometimes it's giving up the person you love when you know that keeping them would only hurt them more and more. Kim let me go because she loved me. There was no greed in her heart... only love. There have been quite a few people that have told me that it probably wasn't Kim's parents.... they tell me that she probably just found someone new. I don't believe it.... because I experienced that love and I know that if Kim was to find someone else, she would tell me that straight. I trusted and trust her.

So right around this time, Tiff comes back into the picture. I don't understand why... well, I didnt at the time. Ironically the day before Kim and I broke up, Tiff IMs me. It seemed that she had no clue that I had a girlfriend but yet, somehow I knew that she had been reading my blog. She convinced me that she hadn't been.... but I know now that when I asked her if she read my blog she lied to me. She knew full well that I had a girlfriend and she didnt like that idea. Regardless, at this point I was still thinking that maybe Tiff was changing and becoming a better person -- the person that I fell in love with and the one that I thought she was. Tiff had mentioned about me going to visit her at wolf park this month. Amazingly, my boss told me that I should think about taking a vacation in the same time frame that would work for such a vacation. I told Tiff that I could not do that anymore because I was with someone.

Let's back up for a second here. Ironically, both the best moment of my life and the worst moment of my life were both shared by Tiff. Tiff had been upset with me and always being in contact with work. When I worked for Carpathia I always had the feeling that no matter where I was, nothing was going to get done unless I did something or notified someone. There was one night that I went up to DuBois to visit Tiff. I had decided that this night I was going to spend with her. I turned both my cell phone and pager off and Tiff and I cuddled up to watch a movie. No more than 5 mins into the movie, Tiff's mom yells for her and I dont see Tiff again for something like 30-45 mins. When she comes back I'm told that Jim was downstairs (for those not following along, Jim was her ex) and that he was really hurting so she decided that she needed to sit and talk with him. First of all, she couldnt see that Jim picked that time exactly when he knew it was worst.... not to mention, I still have a pretty strong feeling that Tiff's mom may have actually called him to cue him. Either way, the night I made the strongest effort to focus my time on someone who meant the world to me, she felt the need to focus her time on the person that, apparently, meant more to her than me.

So anyway, back to where we were.... Tiff asked about me going out to Wolf Park to visit her and I told her no. The reason was quite simple: I was dating Kim and I would not have allowed myself to put Kim through even the THOUGHT of what Tiff actually DID to me that night she left me for Jim. It's just simply not right. To me, I have no problems with my girlfriend hanging out with other guys but I think that if the girl loves me enough she would be wise enough to respect my feelings in that. Things like hiding the fact that she is hanging out with a guy can create a very bad situation. The human mind always fills in the blanks so no one should ever leave any blanks to be filled in. I also believe that if there was a strong emotional attachment to an ex that it may not be the best decission to hang out with him or her when you're in another relationship. It just leaves too many blanks to be filled in. There was no way that I was going to do that to Kim. I loved her too much and I knew that she loved me and it just wouldnt have been fair.

The following day, Kim and I break up. The timing was really strange and I was kind of thinking that God had a purpose for that happening the way it did. My pastor just recently corrected me in my alsmot automatic assumptions that God makes all the incredible appointments such as this. No doubt that God works miracles such as this but satan has also been known to create a few wonders himself. I'm thinking back to Moses when he was in Pharo's palace and Pharo's magicians were able to imitate almost every miraculous sign that moses did through God. Regardless, at the time I was not thinking this way so I had agreed that we could plan on me going out to Wolf Park for a vacation.

Last week I spoke with Tiff on the phone. It has seemed that she had been avoiding me and I was pretty upset. This was also the first time that I had directly confronted her about Jason. At the beginning of the phone conversation she was very strongly denying the fact that she had any interest in Jason as more than a friend. However, this was not settling right with me because I knew that the weekend before she left for Wolf Park she spent an entire weekend with Jason. I found this out from a friend (it is interesting to note that same said friend got ripped a new one by Tiff last week because she was going behind her back -- also interesting is that this friend got yelled at by Tiff shortly after this conversation took place). Things just were not adding up but I held on to the fact that people do change sometimes and I was taking Tiff at face value. As the conversation went on, I realized more and more that her interest in Jason was more, however, I also realized that she still had an interest in me. At this point, I can completely see the entire "Jim or Bob" situation replaying. I'm still taking her at face value tho until the moment that I asked her what dates I should plan on going out there. She told me that she didnt know if it was best. Imagine that... the girl that less than 20 mins ago was BEGGING me to not change my mind and go out and visit her now does not know if it's best. And why? Well, Jason had a problem with it -- however, she proceeds to tell me how wrong she believes Jason is at feeling that way. She thinks that it is her right and that no one else should be able to tell her who she can and can't hang out with. And.... that did it. I knew that not only was she either 1) telling Jason that he was her boyfriend and not telling anyone else or 2) she had full intention of asking him out. I told her that she needed to really figure out what her heart wanted and that she desperately needed to quit lying and/or hiding the truth. The following day (which was this past Saturday), I sent an email to her explaining that I was foolish to think that I could be in her life and co-exist with Jason. It is very important to note that it is NOT our of jealousy but it is within Tiff's own mind that I can not co-exist. It would NOT be fair to Jason if I went to Wolf Park to visit Tiff... that absolute horrible thing about the situation was that it had to be MY decission and not the person that supposedly loves him. Sunday I receive an email from Tiff like she never received the email I sent her the night before. The hilarious part about this is that Tiff even mentioned getting an email but didnt know what happened to it... Granted, she uses hotmail so a scenario like this is possible and if it had been about anyone else, I would have believed her -- however, it was not anyone else. My response to the email was that I couldnt do this at this time in my life and I forwarded the email I sent her again to be sure that she got it.

I remember when Kari (my sister) was something like 3 or 4 years old, she thought that if she couldnt see someone that they couldnt see her. Anytime she wanted to hide from someone, she would cover her eyes and make them go away. This seems to be the way Tiff thinks about her problems. She got an email on Saturday but she didnt want that email so the solution was to make it go away -- all she did was dig an even deeper hole. When my friend told me the truth (and, mind you, it was casual conversation that I found this information out), the solution for Tiff was to push the blame on someone who has never lied to me once. In the years and years that I have known Tiff, its almost always been about her but in her mind, she has never once seen it as being about her. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love is not self-seeking and I dont think this makes a difference of whether we mean to be self seeking or not. What we say and do and what we feel is directly related to what is in our heart.

So that's the story... but how do I feel about the entire situation? Well, I honestly dont know what happens from here on out but I know that I have had confirmation that I need to avoid Tiff. When I saw the thing that I posted about earlier, it was the first visual contradiction that I had seen related to Tiff in a long time. Did Tiff hurt me? Sure she did.... but I'm stronger than I was last year and I functioned through this day quite well. The truth is, I do still really care about Tiff and I honestly do feel bad for her. I fully believe that Tiff has experienced alot of emotional abuse. Someone helped me realize that I have absolutely no power to help her no matter how much I want to. It's something that's going to take alot of therapy, most likely -- but ultimately I can't help her (nor anyone else) because Tiff does not believe that she needs to change. These are really hard words for me to write, to be honest. I do love Tiff... but its not the love that I used to think I had. Maybe in just the way that Kim let go of me, I need to let go of Tiff.... but whatever the reason, I know that I need to let go of Tiff and let go of the hope that I had of me helping her. I can't. I've pushed a brick wall for way too many years of my life.

I've become stronger through all of this and Tiff will go down in history as being someone who helped me grow even though it seems not much good came from her. There have been many of these scenarios in my life -- many of them jobs. Actually, even my ADHD and misdiagnosises is something that seems to have not brought any good but it was something that made me stronger over and over again. So for the first time EVER, I now see that there was a purpose for Tiff being in my life -- its just not the purpose I thought. Today I listened to a song by Kutless that had this line in it:

Freedom is only another perspective away

This is so incredibly true. I always believed that Tiff was brought into my life because she was the one that was meant for me but now I have confirmation that my perspective has been changed and because of it I have been set free.

So right now, I guess its me running out of the ocean, up the beach, and to each one of you. With my surfboard in hand I'm jumping up and down saying "Did you see that! Did you see that! I stayed on my board for 10 seconds" ... It doesnt matter that you crash but if you go longer and longer each time, you're making progress. Bad things are hitting us all the time and let's just try to stay afloat for 5 seconds, then 8 seconds, then 10 seconds.... before you know it, we're professional surfers -- oh, but that SURE doesnt mean that we'll never fall. Even professionals screw up at times.

So for now, I'll keep learning how to surf.... and as is the case many times, I'm grabbing my surfboard again and running into the ocean yelling....

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