Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Ok, so a couple days ago I mentioned a recurring dream I had but didnt feel that I should share it. Now, mind you, I am not one to really read into dreams but I do believe, as was sometimes done in the Bible, God can speak to us through dreams. This dream had that feel to it but I had some quesitons about it.... questions that were answered in a discussion with a friend tonight.

So I only remembered a few key points from this dream. Basically, there was a marathon that me and a few others were running in and this marathon was taking place somewhere that was a good bit away from home. In the city where this marathon was taking place I had a friend that lived there and while the face and the name wasn't clear in the dream, I'm pretty certain that it was Kim. Either way, I was staying at a girl's house while I was there. I remember that in this dream Tiff had died and I'm pretty sure that I was looking for her funeral when I had become lost.... either way, I was lost and was roaming around this city. I remember being really lost and I had apparently wandered into an area that wasn't typically a public area and a tall man walked by me and looked at me funny and he had the obligatory ear piece in his ear. I asked him who he was and he said "the same as you" and I responded "FBI?" and he nodded. I also remember in this dream seeing Tiff's mom crying.... and I remember just walking over to her and giving her a big hug.

So here is the thing.... Tiff dying is not a physical death but the reality of her in my life has died. It's a sign that I have finally let go. Hugging Tiff's mom had me confused for a while but then it just really hit me.... its forgiveness. I had been extremely bitter towards Tiff's mom but thinking of how I feel now, there is no longer any bitterness. The marathon is the start of a new journey.... and thats probably not just relationship-wise. Staying at the Kim's house....Its a representation that the relationship I had with Kim was a hugely important step to get to this marathon. Remember that the marathon was quite a distance from home which means it was a journey in it's self.... Getting over Tiff was a long and hard struggle and Kim was a key factor in this... If it wasn't for being able to stay at Kim's house, I would not have been able to make it to ths marathon because I wouldnt have been able to afford the motel room, etc. It's alos really interesting that I was staying at Kim's house.... this leaves the future open... It wasnt that she was my wife so it's possible that the relationship with Kim was just enabling me to make it to the new journey that I am starting... however, it's left open because I could always go back to visit... and thats how I feel about Kim.... I can't stay outside her house because I have a journey but I left her house being the best of friends which means that it is possible that she comes back into my life -- but the important thing is that I continue on this journey and see what happens and not focus on what it was that I lost but focus on what is ahead in this new marathon. The one part of this dream that stuck in my head and I kept trying to write it off as something just random and not meaning anything was the FBI agent. It didnt hit me until I was talking to my friend tonight and she actually brought it up.... and literally I got chills when she said it. I was lost and wandering around looking for Tiff's funeral... this really explains the last couple years of my life.... I kept searching for a way to just let her go... to stop the pain and be done with it. The problem was that so many things around me were things that kept seemingly pointing me back TO Tiff and not to her "funeral" (ie, the point where I let go). The meeting with the FBI agent was really interesting because this whole exchange represents the figuring things out about Jason and Tiff, etc. Honestly, there were things that kept that well hidden from me and it actually took some thought... this week when I posted the MDI files of those two pages it wasnt to attack anyone.... it was important to me because it was the first hard proof that I had ever found of what I had always felt was going on.... the case had been cracked with actual evidence. There may be a few twists to this... for one, the FBI agent actualy could have very well been my friend who initially told me the truth about some things that I would not have otherwise found out. I didnt see myself as someone trying to figure out all of this stuff and I think thats why the agent said "the same as you" ... There was a point where this entire situation made sense and it wasn't until then that I realized that there were things I was learning and that I was becoming that person that could really understand hidden things. The "accidental" meeting of the FBI agent is an iteresting thing as well... Most of the information that came to me regarding this whole situation really just fell into my lap. I didnt go looking for this information... basically, I wasn't spying on anyone but the information I needed just made it's self to me. Really, it all caught me by surprise that I had the information that I got...

So there you go! In all honesty, the reason for me posting this on my blog isn't for anyone's edification but mine. This is a KEY point in my life and I want it to be here for when I look back. I say this to ask that no one attacks me for "reading too much into" this dream. These are key factors and are confirmation factors and not telling-the-future factors. If anyone wants to offer encouragement, I'd love to hear it... but I do ask that if you think I am off base because I'm "reading into" a dream, please be cautious.

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