Monday, September 18, 2006

So I just got done with a long talk with Mike (my pastor) and I feel alot better but I also have alot more to think about. He helped me see something that I didnt before. I seem to have this bad habit of seeing God in everything. God is in almost everything but there are times that He isnt.... sometimes someone does something that may seem like God's timing mainly because its a trick disguised as a blessing. This may explain alot of my emotional state.

What is Kim in my life? What is Tiff in my life? I really don't know the full answer to that but I do know that I need to cut the ties with Tiff for now. I'm not saying that Tiff and I will never be in touch again and, well, I can say nothing about what the future holds.... but I know this.... I absolutely can not be the one to initiate anything. My life is so full of making sacrifices -- I make entirely too many of them. I desire to help so much that I hurt myself as well as others. The worst feeling I can ever experience is helplessness. I hate it.... but sometimes, especially when someone's motivation needs changed, any help that I give may only make the situation worse. For now, Tiff is not in my life and until she would make some drastic changes and sacrifices, it has to remain that way.

So then there is Kim.... I can certainly say that Kim was in my life because of God but I can't totally answer why. Some people know this but I hadn't put it on my blog. The big reason why Kim's parents are against me is because I stayed at Kim's house and her parents happened to drive by her house and saw my car there. What can I think about that? Well... maybe I did things wrong and maybe Kim did too.... and as much as I enjoyed being with Kim and cuddling through the night.... well, it wasn't worth losing her over. One thing that Mike did say was that if Kim really did want to be with me, why isnt she? He said that kids get away with things all the time.... I told him that he may be right but in this case, Kim isnt with me because of the reasons that I respect her for. She's not about sneaking around. The Kim I know is completely honest and if she was sneaking around her parents to see me, I think it would create problems.... even if she was never "caught" she would still have that feeling and nagging and Kim is far more intelligent than anyone else I met.

I go back and I think how things might be if I didnt stay at her house that night.... Would we both still be happy? I can't go back and change it but I could change things for the future.... well... I could if I was given a second chance. As I write this, I'm learning more and more about how I feel. Do I think that staying at Kim's house was wrong? Well.... the action I dont neccesarily believe was wrong but I do believe it was wrong because I disrespected Kim's parents.... and for that, I am truly sorry. I honestly dont agree with what her parents did but its not because I dont believe they had a reason... it's because I'd so much rather people discuss issues rather than just get rid of them. I believe in second chances and I really wish that I could somehow have that second chance. I really do wish that. I sincerely am sorry for the way things happened. I'll admit, some of it is because I lost Kim over it.... but I really lost the respect of her parents in doing something that was questionable.

I am a very anti-conformist because so many things in the church frustrate me. It's really hard for me to sit and watch people limit God because of what traditions are. I have seen God do some incredible things out of things that someone would not believe God could use -- but the thing is that God can use them. Sometimes the things that God uses are the things that many Christians would think are the most evil things in the world. On the flip side, sometimes there is a time to be a conformist in certain situations. I have often used the saying "when in rome, do as the romans do" because I think there are scenarios were you need to be at the party like Jesus was.... sometimes you need to turn the water in to wine. It's not an issue of whether it's right or wrong but its an issue of connecting. The thing I didnt think about with that saying is that it also means that when I am with extremely conservative Christians, I need to respect them.

With all that said.... if I had one wish right now I would wish for a second chance. Maybe I'd screw up again or maybe I wouldnt. I hate giving up on people and it hurts really bad when people give up on me. I really wish that Kim's family didnt give up on me..... or that they didnt give up on me and Kim...... Maybe we made mistakes but that doesnt mean that God wasnt or isnt in the entire situation, does it?

I thank God that He is a God of second chances ... even when humans aren't.

No comments: