So something pretty incredible happened.
Last night I was probably in the most emotional pain that I have ever experienced. For 2 hours I layed on my bed just crying my eyes out. I could not sleep for nothing.... my medicine wasnt helping.... absolutely nothing helped.... I frequently was crying out to God asking Him why I was in this pain and asking Him to please comfort me and help me.... after two hours, I picked up my Bible and opened it up. I did the open-point-and-read thing and ended up reading the story of Lazarus. Jesus Wept.... those two words gave me a lot of comfort. I finished reading the chapter and I remember thanking God.... thats the last thing I remember. I dont even really remember putting my Bible down.... I read His Word and was instantly asleep. It was a miracle.
While thats a cool story in it's self, it doesnt stop there. Today, the first words from Tim in the service were, as I said in my last post, "we're going to be talking about crying today" ... well, something to that effect. I turned around and looked at my friend Elisa, and she just kinda smiled. Something was going to happen.
Tim started talking about crying and then I heard these words.... "It's the shortest verse in the Bible" and I *INSTANTLY* got tears in my eyes. For those of you that didnt pick up on it, Tim's entire sermon was based on Lazarus.... the exact chapter that I *RANDOMLY* opened to last night and read. Ok... so we know now that it wasn't random.
Tim continued the message.... it seemed like everything he said made me cry more and more... for nothing more than the fact that I knew God was really doing something.... I was living yet another miracle. When Tim got to the point that he started talking about loving people I started to cry more.... my mind started thinking of all the people that judged me before they even knew me... actually, just people that judged in general.... By this point, there was a tear or two streaming down my face... then.... Tim said about how people need to love people no matter what.... when he specifically mentioned homosexuals, I really went into full-blown crying. God really stirred me up.... I just couldnt believe the words that I was hearing. Most of you know that ever since I lived in Florida, I have really had a sense of care for the homosexual community. I believe it is a sin but I believe that they are no more a sinner than I am.
What is the purpose of all of this? I really can't answer that. It's like the things that happen that just make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. You dont understand them... but you know something more powerful than you can fathom is at work.
Whatever God did today, it was powerful. Whatever the purpose is of all of this, its pretty amazing.
I'm still carrying more emotional pain than I ever carried before. After the service today I talked to Mike (our campus pastor) for a while. He knew what I went through last year regarding Tiff... when I told him that I had never experienced emotional pain like I am feeling now, he looked and me and asked about Tiff. I looked at him and truthfully and assertively said "This does not even compare" .... And it doesnt. While the Tiff situation incapacitated me, the emotional pain was nowhere near the emotional pain I am feeling right now... but the difference is that I have hope and I have a focus that God is doing something great. I have a smile on my face most of the day and I live my life just like I would if I was emotionally well.... the pain is between me and God.... it is when I lay on my bed and cry more than I have ever cried before. The pain is in God's Hands.... its not that it doesnt hurt but its that its being taken care of.
I dont know how long this pain will last. I dont know exactly why this pain is allowed to be on me.... but I do know that God has me exactly where He wants me. I am totally vulnerable to what He wants... I can't take control of my life because I dont know what to do next... I dont know the next word I'm going to say.... I have to rely on Him... and being clueless is the best way to know that I'm not going to get in the way.
God is awesome and He is doing something great. Someday this will all make sense.... In His time!