So... my boss told me I need to schedule a vacation this month.....
Those are words you dont often hear from your boss.
So I guess it is a little bit complicated -- but also pretty ironic.
The deal is that Tiff is in Indiana at Wolf Park again.... she'll be
there this month and about a month ago, she had mentioned that I should
go visit her while she's there. Quite honestly, I really want to see
the place. It seems like a really awesome place to visit and its a
great way to feed my "looking for an excuse to get outdoors" feeling.
But, as I'm sure you're well aware, there are concerns.
I can't understand where my life is and I know for a fact that is for
good reason. I dont understand the irony of the timing of conversations
that took place and the way things happened at certain times. At the
same time, there are some things that I was looking for that I didnt
find... as a result, I was not planning on going to visit Tiff while she
was out there. The biggest thing is related to the tiff+bob
relationship aspect. First, let me say that it is NOT my intent to
start a relationship with her. For the first time since I met Tiff, I
can honestly say that I am over her.... and to be honest, at the
current point in time, I realize that I miss Kim more than I ever would
have thought. With that said, I would be lying if I told you that I
dont ever think of the possibility of Tiff and I being together again.
I'm not banking on it but I'm about honesty and I'd be lying if I said I
never thought about it. So here's the thing.... there was one thing I
always felt in my relationship with Tiff and that was one-sidedness.
Don't read too far into what I am saying. I did not say that Tiff didnt
love me or that Tiff didnt care.... what I did feel was that when there
was work to be done in the relationship, it seemed that I was the one
that held it together.... that was not always true... and remember that
my views on the relationship were just as distorted as Tiff's ... but
the big thing was that I always was looking for Tiff to take a step
towards fighting for the relationship but thats something that I never
saw. I think I can safely say that the MAJORITY of the reason this was
the case was her parents. I wasnt planning on going to visit Tiff in
Indiana because it would be me making the trip and me making the
sacrifice and it wouldnt answer the question of whether she really
wanted to work towards being with me in any capacity... whether that be
friendship or more.
It's actually pretty ironic that all of this came about today. I'm told
by my boss that I need to schedule a vacation and literally an hour
after that I get an IM from Tiff and I start rambling on and on like we
were best friends and that nothing bad ever happened. Add to the irony
the fact that work was the biggest excuse that I was using to avoid
going to Wolf Park this month. Truth is that I do want to see Tiff and
be able to spend some time with her. It's coming up on 2 years now
since friends of mine made the decission for me that Tiff shouldnt be
permitted to talk to me and that they were doing me a favor by making
her stop talking to me..... Tiff and I dated since then but I still
wonder some things.... and really... I do miss her.... just not in the
way that I used to.
On a completely unrelated subject.... going to Wolf Park is probably
the ONLY way that I will be able to fully relax. I dont have many
options of somewhere I could go on vacation. I could go to PA... r i g
h t .... all that would be is work..... I need to get away from
computers all together..... but I also can't just go somewhere random
by myself.... reason being is that if someone else isnt there with me,
I'll still sit on the net.... maybe it would be from another state or
country -- but I'd still be checking email.... While I'm sure that the
time I was in Wolf Park would have periods of email checking, it would
probably be just the "keeping up" thing rather than "while i'm online
_____" .... Its a fact that I can NOT relax when I am by myself.... I
distract myself with projects and end up working rather than relaxing.
This is probably why I go to movies alot.... paying $10 to see a movie
is worth it because its something I enjoy and I'm in an area where there
are no distractions to make me feel like I need to work on something.
So, I guess, if you take Tiff completely out of the picture, this may be
just what I need.... add Tiff to the picture and it could make it better.
So I have to say again... DO NOT read too much into this. I really just
want to log some thoughts here because I realized tonight that looking
back over previous blog posts that I made can often reassure me in times
of good and bad. Looking at some entries from the end of 2004 really
made me remember how much of a miracle it is that I am alive. Man I
went through some really dark times. I guess in tradition, I have to
say that if anyone has the "dont get mixed up with Tiff again" then I
need to say, save it! Don't tell me to grow up because I did and I'm
ready to handle whatever it is that comes my way. Me needing to avoid
Tiff is just SOOO 2004-ish :)
I have no intention of starting a relationship with Tiff. On the other
hand, I'm not going to sit here and say it can't happen and that I would
be upset if it did. Right now, if given the choice of anything, I'd be
back with Kim.... and I know first hand how bad it hurts to be with
someone who's heart is with someone else.... So even if things went
that direction with me and Tiff, I couldnt let it happen.... at least
not until my heart was over Kim. I am at a point in my life where God
has me really just taking in His creation... and truly seeing the things
that He has done and slowly realizing the things that He is about to
do. I can't sit here and say I'll never be with Tiff.... just the same
as I can't say that I will be with Tiff.
And, yaknow.... I think in the whole history of this blog, this is the
first entry that I made about Tiff that my head was completely on
straight and not wrapped up in the emotional pain that surrounded that
relationship. I guess if God would be trying to bring me and Tiff back
together, it's best to start with me not *needing* her.... It's
actually pretty funny.... I always needed Tiff too much and she never
needed me.... If things would go in that direction, lets just hope that
as I get away from needing Tiff, she gets a little closer to needing me.
Maybe I was waiting for Tiff to make the first move. I really wanted to
see her randomly come visit me or her make a sacrifice.... but I think
there is alot developing that points to me heading out to Indiana
anyway.... I'm sure there will be plenty of other times that God will
give Tiff the opportunity to make the sacrifice.... If the trip to Wolf
Park works out, its nice knowing that its not for her and that it's for
me. I need to get away for a while and this may just be a really great
opportunity for me to do so.
So... I guess there is only one thing left to say: GERONIMO!!!!!!!