Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Im feeling really anxious today..... almost like im on the edge of a panic attack.... its been a while since I felt like that..... I'm being so affected be some things now... and I dont know if they are good or they are bad. Looking at Tiff's picture just really does something to me right now and I dont know why.... She's so beautiful I just cant deal with it and to think that I lost her basically because she didnt think I treated her right or something.... it just keeps going through my head that I had the best girl in the world and I lost her.... and I wonder what I should have changed.... I dont understand. Also thinking about jobs and such.... and thinking about how I'm going to pay my bills.... and, honestly, a good bit of missing Eli too.... I asked Tanya if he could come down this weekend but I havent heard from her so I dunno if she'll let him.... I just want to cry..... I'm not feeling well either.... I just turned my heater on 2 days ago and now my body is trying to adjust and my throat is sore and my sinuses are still draining.... and I'm just worn out.... just totally worn out.... And maybe thats one of the reasons why I miss Tiff so bad.... when I had times like this, she was there for me.... I could just hold her in my arms and everything was better.... It's hard to think that she's gone. If I could change anything right now, being apart from her is what I would change..... even before the job situation and anything.... *sigh* Why do I have to go through all of this all the time?