It's Monday.... the one day a week that I'm supposed to be off and not on call or anything.... yet, as is usual, Carpathia managed to piss me off again. I have to work from midnight until 8am tonight.... that was planned.... but they ignore another customer and im stuck cleaning up the mess..... I cant do this anymore and in all honesty, my 2 weeks notice is in the very near future I think....

I'm taking a nap... I'm just a wreck right now....

For the first time in my life, I carved a pumpkin :)

mine is the cross..... Kim had fun with the small one.

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Imagine a place only your soul can vision
The heart of a child who looks, sees and listens
She paints a picture using every color
And what she sees, she sees is like no other

[Chorus:]
One word, a voice unheard
You can change the world
With everything I know you're made of
One word, a voice unheard
You can change the world
If everyone would stop and listen

The art of innocence make so much sense
But placed inthe wrong hands, well then it's wasted
Filtered throught he eyes of a pure mind
A one-of-a-kind paradise for you and I

[Chorus]

Break the cycle, find your rhythm
Share the gift that you've been given

You can
You can change the world
You can change the world

[Chorus (repeat)]

"Change the World" by P.O.D.

Duh!

I'd like to see you in the morning light
I like to feel you when it comes to night
Now I'm here and I'm all alone
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you
Alone again without you
Alone again without you

I said stay, but you turned away
Tried to say that it was me
Now I'm here and I've lost my way
Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again

Tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you

I tried so hard to make you see
But I couldn't find the words
Now the tears, they fall like rain
I'm alone again without you

"Alone Again" by Dokken

Man am I struggling.... There is just so much on my mind.... If its not finances, its jobs, if its not jobs, its relationships, if its not relationships, it's something else..... I want so badly to be loved by a girl that will never leave me.... So many people mean so much to me.... I just want to mean that much to at least one other person.... I broke into tears tonight at work..... I'm so close to my breaking point it's not even funny..... something has to change soon.... I need something... I need something happy.... I was hoping that Eli would be coming down with my dad this weekend so I could see him and spend some time with him.... it would have cheered me up.... but why would someone let that happen? I'm designed for this life to be misserable it seems.... I'm struggling so bad.... I have my faith in God but there is still so much pain right now... it's hurting so bad..... too much going on.... I really dont know how much longer I can hang in there.....

Please keep me in your prayers!

There is nothing worse than breaking into tears at work and having to try to avoid customers so they don't see

I

Its now coming up on 3 weeks of not hearing from tiff... I'm guessing I'm supposed to take a hint? I just dont understand it tho.... its like she starts indicating that she wants to get closer to me again and things start working better and then all of a sudden she's just gone... thats it, just plain gone. Not even a "I need to stay away from you" or "its not gonna work" ... its just a disappear and your outta my life thing.... I still have the feeling that God's not done here but I'm so tired of being the only one fighting for what I feel God wants. Honesty is such an important thing to me..... its so hard when someone lies to me.... and its just as hard when someone doesnt want to tell me anything or share something with me that I really need to know.... I feel like this all the time and I hate it.

I just want to be happy... I want to have a very happy and healthy relationship... but maybe I'm not supposed to have that and thats why God lets me get burned by the people that mean the most to me?

I'm just worn out with all of this.... Lonliness is killing me :(

I thought I was gonna see eli this weekend. He was gonna come down with my dad but now tanya won't let him.....

The good news is that stuff at carpathia seems to be giving some hope and its not a disaster like I thought it was going to be.

Will my life ever settle down? Probably not :(

I just got an email.... looks like I have a new boss.... and I dont know that this is a good thing :(

Slashdot | 20 Years of NES

First of all, Happy 20th, NES! Personally, I still want to know why I am the only person the remembers R.O.B.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this thread from the comments on that page:

• I went from Atari 2600 straight to GameCube. Both are (were) great! I'm looking forward to my first experience with Zelda!
  
• by readin (838620) on Wednesday October 26, @05:29PM (#13884337)
  
  • How did that happen? Did you try to complete ET and loose 20 years through a nervous breakdown
    
  • by FidelCatsro (861135) * on Wednesday October 26, @05:40PM (#13884425)
    

And for those of you who dont understand this at all, go play your Sega or whatever it is your playing now-a-days.... but If anyone does remember the E.T. Atari Game, there was a bug in the released software and it ended up that there was no way to complete the game.... nor did there end up being a point to it.

I can't understand it.... Why did God design me to be so emotional and to need that romantic bond to thrive but yet He doesn't give me a relationship that lasts. It seems I'm just stuck with a perpetual broken heart... And then when I finally get to the point where I'm ready to let go of what He took away from me, I get a glimpse of hope and everything surfaces again only for me to lose that which He gave me from any capacity. I don't understand this..... And I'm tired of having this anxiousness..... I need a stable relationship... A girl that is not affraid to stand by me..... For better or for worse as they say....... I'm really emotionally hurting right now.... :(

Im feeling really anxious today..... almost like im on the edge of a panic attack.... its been a while since I felt like that..... I'm being so affected be some things now... and I dont know if they are good or they are bad. Looking at Tiff's picture just really does something to me right now and I dont know why.... She's so beautiful I just cant deal with it and to think that I lost her basically because she didnt think I treated her right or something.... it just keeps going through my head that I had the best girl in the world and I lost her.... and I wonder what I should have changed.... I dont understand. Also thinking about jobs and such.... and thinking about how I'm going to pay my bills.... and, honestly, a good bit of missing Eli too.... I asked Tanya if he could come down this weekend but I havent heard from her so I dunno if she'll let him.... I just want to cry..... I'm not feeling well either.... I just turned my heater on 2 days ago and now my body is trying to adjust and my throat is sore and my sinuses are still draining.... and I'm just worn out.... just totally worn out.... And maybe thats one of the reasons why I miss Tiff so bad.... when I had times like this, she was there for me.... I could just hold her in my arms and everything was better.... It's hard to think that she's gone. If I could change anything right now, being apart from her is what I would change..... even before the job situation and anything.... *sigh* Why do I have to go through all of this all the time?

Virginia government is nothing but a big group of penis-heads.... and be happy that I censored myself!

As I was going to sleep last night God really impressed something on my heart. The way a parent/child relationship should be also has a good indication of how we need to be as Christians leading those into the Kingdom. Hebrews 5:13 shows us that those who arent wise in the Kingdom yet are like those little children who still live on milk and not solid food. This reference is made multiple times in the New Testament (1 Corinthians 3:2, 1 Peter 2:2). The most important thing in a parent/child relationship is love and acceptance. The child is going to make mistakes and we must respond in love and accept the fact that they are not yet an adult. The same is true with someone who is a new Christian.

Tell me this isnt cool:

Veggie Rocks

I have recently been doing some reading (yes, me... believe it or not). What I just read really kinda hit me.... everyone knows that your relationship with your parents and the way your parents handle things directly affect the way you live life.... but I know that I, at least, never realized just how much. The child development process is crucial... there is a serious need for authority but yet you can cross the line. It develops how well you will handle situations in the future... how well you will stand in adulthood... I think we all knew that... but what I didnt realize is the 2 seperate ways a parent needs to behave. Around the age of 10 there is an incredible shift in the way a parent has to respond to their child. As a young child, its crucial that the parent set distinct boundaries.... the child at this point is forming a relationship with the parents and this is where they learn how to be a follower. The learn alot of how their world works.... as a teen, the parent needs to let go.... of course, this is a basis that I think everyone knows. The thing that is so different is in the earlier stages of parenthood, you need to be in complete control and the less that you have, the more dangerous it is.... in the later stages, it is COMPLETELY opposite. The more control you have in the late stages, the worse it is. If the teen can not seperate from his or her parents, then the teen can not survive in the real world. The shocking fact that I learned is that if the parent still has complete control through the teen years, this teen is alot more likely to be vulnerable to cults and the like. The interesting part is why this is. As adults, we look to different people for different things. We call a plumber when we have a leak but while the plumber is there, we dont ask him to repair our television. This is the way life is designed. God gave us each our own talents so that we can serve a certain purpose... we're not supposed to serve EVERY purpose. The problem is that if a parent doesnt let go in the teen years, the teen develops the need for a central point of everything and the result becomes replacing their Heavenly Father with a god-like figure on earth. Someone that they can go to for a solution to everything... which is obviously what a cultist is. There is certainly alot of damage done to those who don't end up in a cult (which, honestly, most dont). The problem is the person can not relate to their world. They are affraid of things of adulthood because their still in "child-like stages". One great example is sexual things.... The person is so pushed away from sexual relationships that they refuse even that which God has intended.... the reason is: they are still a child. They cant make clear decissions on what they want and need in life. They are perpetually confused at what is going on and can't make sense of alot of things. This is all a result of the parent not letting go when they time came. Many times the person is affraid to do what they need to do because of the high influence of their parents. God said to "train up a child in the way that he should go. This means not letting the parent's desires for their child affect God's blueprints for that child. When a parent doesnt let go, the person is more focused on what their parents have put in them than what God's actual plan is for them. We are to train them in the way they should go.... God doesnt say "Show them where they should go" ... It's a matter of pointing them in the right direction but not to the exact point... the exact point is for God to decide.

I dont really understand why this idea struck me so heavily.... maybe it's just a way of preparing me for my future as a father.... I dont think this has much bearing on my personal life (I'm sure some may, tho). The book I was reading isnt even focused on that subject.... but it was in there.... and it hit me, so I needed to share it......

I think I may go watch some more TV and continue this day of (hopefully) complete relaxation.

I slept till about 2pm today.... then I got up and did a few things and start watching TV around 4:30.... next thing I know, it's 7pm (now) and I'm waking up..... I have to say tho.... this day was MUCH needed. I'm gonna go see if I can find something to eat.... I'm STARVING!

Why do I bother?

I'm not afraid to fall
it means i climbed up high
to fall is not to fail
you fail when you don't try
not afraid to fall
i might just learn to fly and
i will spread these wings of mine

Chorus:
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 20th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
and here i told you so
don't want to rock the boat
but i just had to know
just a greener side
or can i touch the sky
but either way i will have tried

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 30th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly


i'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
they laughed when i fell down
but i have dared to climb
I'm not afraid to fall
i know i'll fall again
but i can win this in the end


If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 40th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly


If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again

"Get Up" by SuperChick

God really spoke to me in today's sermon.... on the way home I was trying to think how I was going to put it into words.... and I can't... so click the link below for an mp3 of today's sermon.

The Great Gamble - Mike Eppes
New Life Christian Church - Dulles/Ashburn, VA

How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.

Chorus:
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

How many times have I gone astray
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.

"Take My Life" by Third Day

I'm a very passive person and you cant really offend me by saying something.... but if you want to hurt my feelings, just dont say anything. People seem to have this thing for ignoring me... I wish I was someone special and important to others that they would want to talk to me but I'm not... I'm just a regular ol' person.... I'm not the brightest, not the cutest, definately not the richest....

I'm so out of it.... I hung out with Beka, Kim, and Nathan tonight and I just couldnt snap out of whatever it is that I'm in.... I kinda feel bad. What's really sad is that I'm looking forward to Nov 8th.... thats the day I have my test at the hospital and since I will be put to sleep, I might actually get some real rest for the first time in a long time..... I'm just drained... I'm numb... I'm not depressed -- just out of it.... My mind seems to be somewhere else.... maybe analyzing what is occuring... I'm not sure.... something is going on.... I know God is watching over me so I'm just going to leave it in His hands..... but man am I drained..... I want to be me again....

So the dream I had.... I was at a party with a bunch of my friends from church.... and one of our pastor's, Mike, called and said he was running a little late because he had to pick someone up on his way. When he arrived I saw him get out of his car along with a cute little girl with a yellow baseball cap on..... she got closer and closer and I realized it was Tiff..... she came in and saw me and run over to me and just wrapped her arms around me and said "I'm really never going to let you go again. I can't live without you and I know we need to be together" .... I think I cried in my dream and maybe in real life too because I was so happy.... then I woke up and became real sad because I realized that it was just a dream.... I havent even heard from her in a while...

I used to be so happy ... when I first moved to VA, I had a great job, a great place to live, and an awesome girl..... and even tho my apartment hasnt changed, the others did.... but then the cost of living set in..... I have alot of good things now such as my friends from my church.... but I'm just not as happy as I was.... maybe it's because of the financial stress.... maybe it's because I was so happy with Tiff and now not only do I not have her, but I dont have anyone. I guess the praise in all of this is that I am not depresed... I'm just sad about the things that I have lost and that I'm being so stressed by people now.... I'm ok.... I'm just not happy, yaknow?

Once I had a dream of Tiff and I getting married, Carpathia growing and me making a decent living, having beautiful children and completing my life long goal of being the best father and husband that I could be.... Most of the aspects of that dream are fading away.... the first half of that dream relies on other people to be in sync with my dream.... and that just isnt the case.

Thankfully, it is the weekend... I think I'm going over to Kim's tonight and we're gonna hang out (beka, nathan, me, kim, and whoever else is going I guess).... then tomorrow is church.... I'm really glad of that... I wish my church met every day.

There’s a ship out, on the ocean
At the mercy of the sea
It’s been tossed about, lost and broken
Wandering aimlessly
And God somehow you know that ship is me

’cause there’s a lighthouse, in the harbor
Shining faithfully
Pouring it’s light out, across the water
For this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I’m reaching out ’til we reach the circle’s end
When you come back to me again

There’s a moment we all come to
In our own time and our own space
Where all that we’ve done, we can undo
If our heart’s in the right place

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I’m reaching out ’til we reach the circle’s end
When you come back to me again
And again I see my yesterday’s in front of me
Unfolding like a mystery
You’re changing all that is and used to be

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I’m reaching out ’til we reach the circle’s end
When you come back to me again

When you come back to me again

"When You Come Back to Me" by Garth Brooks

I may not be sleeping well recently but last night I had enough time for a truly wonderful dream.... but while the thought of that dream cheers me up, its hard to think that it was just that... a dream.

I'm really not feeling too well today. I dont know whats been going on with me but I just can not sleep.... maybe its just because there is so much on my mind.... I dunno.....

I just wish the dream would come true.....

Well, I guess you guys all can now see my new desk at Carpathia in the "executive office" ... now if I was only an executive :)

So tired... But still can't sleep. I miss lock haven.... At least when I went to school for that year I had a friend I could rely on. Any night I needed to talk or hang out, that friend was there. So many good memories.... Why do good things have to come to an end?

Was at work until well after 2am..... actually, it was closer till 3am.... this morning a little before 9am I get paged (no, I'm not on call during the week) because ... well, it was stupid.... whatever.... now I'm up.... with less than 4 hours of sleep..... *sigh* Im so drained..... No time to relax... and now less and less time to even sleep.....

No matter how frustrating your job may be... or even if you totally hate it, it's still nice to see something your a part of make the news for something cool.


GameHosters/Freaks-Network to Provide CAL-AA Playoff Servers

For those of you that don't know, GameHosters is a sub-brand of Carpathia Hosting.

There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be their last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could say she loved him one more time
And hold him tight
But with life we never know

When we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend?

Chorus:
We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
Today we remember to live and to love
We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
Today we remember to live and to love

There is a man who waits for the tests
To see if the cancer has spread yet
And now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"
If I could have the time back how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we are meant to do

Chorus

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway
So get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living

Chorus (to fade)

"We Live" by SuperChick

I was actually feeling much better.... then I got home and my electric bill was in my mailbox... alot more behind than I thought :(

There are people in my life who I wish would realize that the more they try to avoid hurting, the more they actually hurt me.

Proverbs 14:25

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
on to the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe-

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are-

"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

The da vinci code has got to be one of the worst things created under the influence of satan.

I don't think I have ever made a statement that strong.... But if anyone follows God and His Word, I can not see how they could recommend that anyone read that book - nor any other by that author.

Why do I say this? Its extremely blasphemous. I know the argument most would give me is "its fictional" or "its only fantasty". To that I say: WRONG! Fantasy that has contreversay would be something like Harry Potter. The background behind the author of Harry Potter is of occultic influence but I still may buy the "fantasy" idea. The problem with the Da Vinci code is that it attempts to directly shatter the foundations of Jesus' life. It doesn't outright go against God's Word like fantasy stories but it mixes in true facts to make it easier to swallow the lies. Could you get anyone to swallow cyanide straight? Nope.... But you might sneak it in by adding it to someone's coffee.... That is exactly what the da vinci code is doing... Its a mix that is deadly.... And I don't think anyone should support it.

Now I will say I have never read the book but I have just watched a history channel special about it and I felt a drain in my spirit while watching it....

I'm a very accepting person and I don't condem people so if you read and support this book, you will have no condemnation from me.... But I do have to express that I think the da vinci code may be one of the subtle attacks on Christianity that satan loves to use.

Well I got my internet back and I am a good bit more relaxed. It seems it all caught up to me today and I got extremely stressed. I really just need to focus on what God is doing.... not trying to figure out the plan, but to follow the plan. Truth is, I'm scared.

There is a meeting at work tomorrow that they just scheduled today. I'm pretty anxious about it....

Alot is going on.... entirely too much. I need some relief from all of this... I pray that it comes soon. God is definately taking care of everything but sometimes the human mind can't comprehend that and it creates these overwhelming feelings.

I dont know what else I can say... I'm having a hard time putting down in words my feelings right now so I'm just going to ask for everyone's prayers and I will continue trying to relax the rest of the evening.

For that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not wish to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that it is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which indwells me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I wish, I do not do; but I practice the very evil that I do not wish. Romans 7:15-19

I wish Jesus would come today. I don't want to go on. What little I have is falling away it seems. The people at my job don't like me.... All my utility companies hate me because I can't pay my bills on time because I don't make enough.... I have no special person in my life and it seems I would have nothing to offer anyone anyway. The only thing I have right now is a great church and the friends I have from that church.... But its not that I can call them up and just go hang out and that's not because of them... Its because of my job.... My schedule doesn't allow me to do anything at all.... Plus I don't make enough to pay my bills, let alone do something to relax.

Since Saturday I have been on a downward spiral and I'm scared. I'm really hurting right now........

just got transfered and got the message that my estimated wait time is 24 mins.......

I'm tired of dealing with this crap. With everything, I just want to cry.... I can't deal with it..... I just cant.

Well..... Once upon a time Bell was split up because of their monopolistic power..... Over the years the resulting companies have merged into a company called Verizon who focused on customer service.... But now, they have become a monopoly and have no need for customer service. Yes, its time that they show their monopolistic powers. *sigh* ... At this point I am still on the phone.... Its been over an hour.... Still no resolution. And obviously there will be no compensation for their errors.

I finally called verizon and didn't get the message "all of our lines are full and we can not handle your request at this time *click*".... But now the system said my estimated wait time is 23 mins..... I'm in complete shock regarding this...... Not to mention extremely frustrated..... I wonder how much a wireless transmitter from here to the data center would cost.... Heh....

I swallowed my pride tonight.... Finally..... And it fell on deaf ears. Every day that goes by, I realize more and more that some things just can not change. Everyone can change, but some people don't want to. Maybe there is nothing else to be done.

Before all that tho, I had a good day. Church was great. Then we went to lunch and this evening we (me, kim, beka, nate, and carl) met up at beka's. It was a good night.

I'm really having a rough time in life right now.

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I'm not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I'm broken
I'm broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I'm falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can't see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I'll leave it in Your hands

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms,
Ohh You hold me in Your arms,
I know that You'll hold me in Your arms
Again

"No One Else Knows" by Building 429

Do you see this? Its night and I've accomplished nothing.... And according to what I am being accused of, I was in PA. There was a wreck on 7 and they actually had the nerve to say that there was no reports about it. I'm really not able to go on like this.... I give everything I have to my job and they still want more..... Even when I'm being payed half of what the market value of my job is (not including the extra I do). I try not to complain much at all. I'm usually very passive but at times things are just too much. I really need strength right now. This is so hard.

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No matter what I do, its always wrong. I'm always wrong and I'm tired of it.

And its off to the data center :(

I really think I should just save rent and utilities by moving in there......

So explain to me this.... If you pay for internet dsl via your phone line, how can the internet side of things say your turned off for non-pay but your phone side says everything is ok? Also... If you are a decent company, why would you turn your customer off the hour following your billing department closing for the weekend?

I'm really freaking mad right now. This is totally unacceptable! So I guess no internet for me this weekend. Exceptionally fun since I'm on call...... *sigh*

So I'm still waiting for verizon tech support to answer the phone
because my dsl is down. They are continually throwing url's at me on
the om-hold message. Gotta love the irony....

At some point I will get a chance to sleep right? I left work at 7am like I was supposed to.... Got to Leesburg.... Phone rings.... U turn.... Back to the data center. I'm now leaving again.... *yawn* I've been up for about 24 hours now.

And oh yea.... I went to pick Kim up at the metro and got lost coming back.... Found my exit while I was in the left lane... Signaled.... And looked and there was only one car behind me and it was pretty far back. Wouldn't ya know it was a cop? So yea, he pulled me over but was really nice. Everything checked out so he just gave me a warning..... Phew......

Ok driving home (again) and hopefully getting some sleep.

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Genesis chapter 22 is continually going through my mind. What is sacrifice and what does it mean if God asks us to sacrifice our dreams? One thing I know is that it doesn't always mean our dreams won't come true.... It only means we need to realize Who is first.

Well, I'm up and I'm ready.... got some things to do this afternoon and then I'm working from 4pm until 7am.... long shift so I'm not gonna be sleeping for quite a while and didnt get much sleep last night either.... The good thing is after I leave work at 7am I can sleep indefinately.... well, except for the fact that I'm on-call... so if my pager goes off, I might have to kill someone (just kidding, of course).

Lot's of stuff going on... still waiting for God to give me the direction He wants me to go in. I got a VERY encouraging email. I'm pretty active on my blog here about almost everything that goes on in my life... and I also send out emails to some people that are really close to me with even more details of things going on. I look at it in many different ways but one aspect is that if there is anything in my life that is a testimony to others, then it is my prayer that by blogging and sending out these emails I touch someone's life and help them realize something that they may not have been able to. God told us to live our lives as a testimony to Him and my prayer is that this blog and my emails do just that. But I think an important aspect of that is to be real. Yes, people will judge you.... but I think that if the only thing others see about us is only how "good" we are, then, to them it becomes hippocritical because no one is perfect. "All have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God" (Rom 3:23). It's my prayer that if I can present my life in it's entirety, that I can reach someone in a deeper way. Sure I'm open to alot of criticism... and thats not always bad, is it? But if I show others that I am a real person, and in doing that I touch only one person, then it was all worth it.

Things are hectic in my life right now but the quote I heard in New Orleans that still rings in my mind is "God doesn't let an ounce of hurt go unused". If the pain I experience now helps someone else later, then it was all worth it. Jesus lived a life of servitude, and I want to be as close to the life of Christ that I can be. I'm nowhere near perfect... I'm a real person just trying to be something that is better than real: A servant of Christ.

[SPOKEN]
I have to ask you a question
And I need you to be honest
We’re both grown
Really be honest and we’ll take it from there

[Hook]
Where do we go from here?
I wanna know
My heart is melting like the winter snow
What’s happenin’ here?
I used to know
It was a sure thing
Now it’s not for sure, yeah

[Verse 1]
Let down my guards and I opened up to you
And I dealt with the cards that I was given to
But now unsure if all your words were genuine
And I have to ask this question
Can’t pretend

[Hook]
Where do we go from here?
I need to know
And stop this achin’ and walk it out the door
What’s happenin’ here?
It’s better to know
Or is this something we need to leave alone

[Verse 2]
The direction that our hearts are headed in
Can’t be too different places
It’s a tragic end, help me
To look forward to our ever happily
Or do we give up

[Bridge]
(Please) Let me know where we are
(Please) Direction we’re headed in
(Please) I need to know
(Please) Question, question

[Fade]
Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?


"Where Do We Go From Here" by Tweet

My mind is soooooo overloaded. I hope something soon happens. I really need to find a way to support my cost of living....

another thing I'm really praying happens soon is I find a really awesome Christian girl that will stand beside me no matter what. I need someone to be there for me.... Someone that will find every way possible to spend time with me and someone that will never give up on me for any reason. With all the pain I have been through I wonder if such a girl even exists..... But if she is out there, I pray God brings her to me soon.... Or shows me who she is if I already know her.

I'm becomming a human pharmacy again but it has nothing to di with mental stuff - I've been stable in that aspect since we finally found what was wrong with me in december (thank God). I've been having some problems which we thought was acid reflux but I didn't respond to the meds so we doubled the dose and now I have to go get a camera shoved down my throat.... Sounds fun huh? Oh well.... Its all about rolling with the punches, right?

Can I cry now or later? I've got entirely too much on me right now and finances are just adding to all of the stress.... Please pray that God provides and shows me His direction soon... I'm really getting scared.... there is just nowhere else left to get additional money. I have now sold just about every spare part that I could on ebay to survive and now that supply has run out and there just is no more source of income for me.... this at the same time that I'm considering ministry again.... I'm really struggling.... I know God will provide but that doesnt mean that I'm not scared.... Maybe I shouldnt be... but I am... :(

There is a lot going through my mind right now.

I've been told basically my whole life that God created me for something bigger than most others. The thing I'm just now realizing is that for that to be true, I can not be classified in the standard system of the world. The things I need to do may be illogical to the world - but not to God. I am going to be faced with some huge decissions soon.... And I may have to make some very radical decissions that will be scary and I will be attacked for. Where will my allegiance be... God or the world.

This is an exciting time in my life if I look at it the right way.... But I'm scared to death....

I got that super-good feeling again..... God's Peace is upon me..... I don't know what He is doing tho.

I don't mind
if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture
and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who
and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ...
it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie,
it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end
I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy
and grace who blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust
thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled,
not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead,
"Well Done" good and faithful one...

"Legacy" by Nicole Nordeman

What I've always wanted is getting close to coming true for the third... maybe fourth time.... but it's less than 30 days away from the traditional explosion.... I can't open my heart only to let it be shattered again.... I just can't do it. Maybe it kills me now but it's better than the pain that I will inevitably feel.

I've been kinda down for the last few hours..... I think maybe because I am just extremely tired right now..... But I did just talk to Kelsey and she really made me feel a lot better.

I am t i r e d !!!

Not Ben.... Don't hurt Ben :(

Now really.... Tell me he is not the cutest little contractor :)

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Its so hard to deal with the things I have to deal with... In fact its impossible. But that is why God said He is always with us. We don't have to do it by ourselves.

I have never had a 100% direction in my life and even tho I get criticised about that, I realize that it is by design. Had I ever had a direction, I would have missed out on a lot of things God had for me. Is my life the ideal life for the logic of this world? Not at all.... But as Christians, we are not of this world. Would I trade my life for the ideal life? not a chance! Sure I have given up a lot of dreams and goals - and I'm glad I did.

I'm just here doing what I do until God shows me something else and says to go.

I feel really bad for the guy who invented the wheel.... I mean, think about it. Look at how many people are making money off of HIS invention! Shame on GM and Ford for reaping in all that money from the sales of cars which are based on this poor primitive guy's invention. It's just sad... really, really sad!

Well.... Someone is doing something about it....

Greed 2.0

Ephesians 4:11-16

There are no words to describe how great I feel right now.... I'm sitting here waiting for church to start and I'm just really looking forward to today. I'm excited about whatever God is going to do today. Maybe at the end of the day I will know what He did and maybe I wont.... But He is going to do something and I am excited about whatever that is. Its going to be a great day!

So, here we are in the same old spot
Knowing something needs to happen
But our mouths are locked, toung-tied, closed tight, sealed shut, yup
I tried hard but it just wouldn't come up

It's on the tip of my tounge
It's in the front of my mind
Yet the words were still so hard to find

Finally the reality of things to come
Pushed me to the edge
I jumped off the cliff into abyss as I said

I'm not trying to be a nuisance
I just think we can do better than this
That was simply my two cents
You can, you can take it or leave it.

The conversation lingered on and on and
before I knew it night had turned to dawn and
Were we searching for the truth in all of it
Are we debating just to win the argument

Cuz none of us wanna hear about where we go wrong
This song could easily be from me to you or me to john
Cuz I have the potential to be the guiltiest
My greatest strength is also my strongest weakness

Let's think about this path that we're taking
Let's think about this future we're creating
Let's think about this life that is fading
Think about it, come on, Think about it now

"Nuisance" by John Reuben

Oh Lord, thank you sooooo much for this food I am about to partake! :)

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"Jack and Diane" painted a picture of my life and my dreams,
Suddenly this crazy world made more sense to me
Well I heard it today and I couldn't help but sing along
Cause everytime I hear that song...

I go back to a two toned short bed Chevy
Drivin my first love out to the levvy
Livin life with no sense of time
And I go back to the feel of a fifty yard line
A blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine
Wishin time would stop right in its tracks
Everytime I hear that song, I go back

I used to rock all night long to "Keep On Rockin Me Baby"
Frat parties, college bars, just tryin to impress the ladies
I heard it today and I couldn't help but sing along
Cause everytime I hear that song....

I go back to the smell of an old gym floor
The taste of salt on the Carolina shore
After graduation and drinkin goodbye to friends
And I go back to watchin summer fade to fall
Growin up too fast and I do recall
Wishin time would stop right in its tracks
Everytime I hear that song, I go back, I go back

We all have a song that somehow stamped our lives
Takes us to another place and time

So I go back to a pew,preacher, and a choir
Singin bout God, brimstone, and fire
And the smell of Sunday chicken after church
And I go back to the loss of a real good friend
And the sixteen summers I shared with him
Now "Only The Good Die Young" stops me in my tracks
Everytime I hear that song,

I go back....
To the feel of a fifty yard line
A blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine
I go back....
To watchin summer fade to fall
Growin up too fast and I do recall...
I go back....
To the loss of a real good friend
And the sixteen summers I shared with him...
I go back... I go back... I go back

"I Go Back" by Kenny Chesney

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||| 66% Stability |||||||||||||||| 63% Orderliness |||||||||||||||| 63% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Interdependence |||||||||||| 50% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||| 36% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism |||||| 30% Materialism |||||| 30% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63% Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56% Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 70% Self absorbed |||||| 23% Conflict seeking |||| 16% Need to dominate |||||| 30% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||||| 30% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||| 16% Dependency |||||||||| 36% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Individuality |||||||||| 36% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56% Physical security |||||||||||| 43% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 64% Histrionic |||||||||||| 43% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Vanity || 10% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 50% Female cliche |||||| 30%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


I just took this test and I think that there are actually alot of things to be noticed here. At first when I read over these results I was kind of questioning some things but then I thought about alot of the things I questioned and realized that I really question them for who I was a year or two ago.... but I realize that recently, especially in the last couple of months, I have changed in many different ways... and I think that almost all of them were for the better. God has really been working on me and things are getting better. I still have struggles and there are moments of my life (as you see in my blog) that I do not fit any of these categories.... but those are little snapshots of my life and dont really represent who I really am in nature.

I actually think that is one great feature of having a blog..... looking back at your past.

Whatcha’ doin’ tonight
I wish I could be a fly on your wall
Are you really alone
Who's stealin' your dreams
Why can't I bring you into my life
What would it take to make you see that I'm alive

[Chorus]

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait..I already am)

Saw your face in the crowd
I call out your name
You don't hear a sound
I keep tracing your steps
Each move that you make
Wish I could read what goes through your mind
Wish you could touch me with the colors of your life

[Chorus]

If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I'd make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
Then I can just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
(Wait..I already am)

I reach out
But you don't even see me
Even when I'm scream out
Baby, you don't hear me
I am nothing without you
Just a shadow passing through...

[Repeat Chorus]

If I was invisible...
If I was invisible...
If I was invisible...
If I was invisible...
If I was invisible...
If I was invisible...


"Invisible" by Clay Aiken

Argh! I miss tiff, ok?

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wondering heart.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see our sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am.
But because what of youve done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am.
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done.
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
You told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cuz I am yours.
I am yours.

"Who am I" by Casting Crowns

I am really a ball of emotions right now and I dont know how to sort them out.... so many things going on... alot of them are very exciting.

There are a few things that I really desire right now and I continue to pray that God would give me those desires. One of those is relationships. He really has been blessing me with alot of friends down here at New Life and I treasure them so much. Kim, Nathan, and Rebecca are a true blessing to me. They have fulfilled a much needed part in my life.... but there is still some parts missing.... It's hard to have the life goal of being a good husband and father when you dont even have a special someone. I pray that God provides the answer to that soon. For right now, I am working on filling another big need and that is spending time with God.

There are so many other things going on right now that are just too much to talk about here.... It truly is an exciting, but yet scary, time in my life. All I can do is give it all to God and let Him sort everything out... and in the mean time, I am going to do my best in relying on Him to take care of this anxiousness and strange emotions I am having.

Its such a beautiful day..... I wanna sit outside all day.....

"but those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength....." Isa 40:31

This has got to be one of the best email threads ever - And it is an actual email (Names have been changed to protect the innocent):

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 08:57:14 -0400
From: John
To: Joe
Subject: Re: Fwd: This machine on your network has been owned. Remove it.

Thank you.

On a side note, I just realized that I can see your data center
from my house. I must say that this is the first time I've been able to
almost see a box that was scanning me.

Thanks for the reply.


Joe wrote:
>
> Hello,
> Server unowned. Thank you for notice
>
>
> Joe
> On Tue, 4 Oct 2005, Abuse Desk wrote:
>
>>
>>
>> Begin forwarded message:
>>
>>> From: John
>>> Date: October 4, 2005 1:53:03 AM EDT
>>> To: abuse dept
>>> Subject: This machine on your network has been owned. Remove it.
>>>
>>>
>>> One of your boxes is trying to brute-force my system.
>>>

Here are some more pictures from New Orleans. These are high-res pics and the zip file is about 40meg so you might want to avoid it if your on dial up unless you have some time :)

katrina05-ar.zip

Well the knots are gone but I'm still feeling anxious about something.... I dunno what's going on.....

The knots in my stomach are getting more and more intense. I don't
really understand what I am this anxious about. Its really weird. Has
to be something bugging me but I don't know what. Please keep me in
your prayers.

I don't know if its America or if its just the majority of people I know and work with but it amazes me at how self centered people are. Even someone who tries to help only opens themself up to tons of condemnation - and forget anyone even thinking about standing behind that person.

Its just another clear indication of how far away people are from good morals.

Well I'm on the PA turnpike headed back to VA. I work at 4pm and I'm quite honestly nervous. I have a feeling a lot of stuff piled up not to mention the data center is going to physically be a mess.

This is a very interesting time in my life right now and also scary. Lots on my mind... And my stomach actually hurts right now. No matter what tho, my God will sustain me!

So here I am on the PA turnpike using gas that I can't afford to help someone who's goal is to make me as misserable as possible..... Why? I guess the question is more general than that..... Why do I do anything that I do?

I just keep thinking of the Scripture that says all things work together for the Good of His Kingdom.... And another Scripture that says the steps of His children are ordered of Him. I don't know where either are found off the top of my head but they are both in my heart.

I am at least feeling a little Peace right now. Ill just trust in Him and do my best.

I'm really scared right now..... Where is my allegiance? I know what I want to do for God but what am I doing? There is something I am ignoring and I have no clue what it is. One big question: is Carpathia hindering me from what God wants? Is my security of a job more important than what God wants?

Now that I've spent the last half hour crying.....

Why would anyone want to hurt a 5 year old to prove a point to someone that only tries to help? Honestly, I could care less if someone completely ruins my life.... but dont you dare hurt Eli. It shocks me the things that I get accused of sometimes.... but I dont care at all..... just dont hurt that precious little 5 year old....

Please keep Eli in your prayers..... the stuff that he is forced to go through is not fair..... He is such a precious little boy and he deserves as much prayer as he can get.

A night full of emotion.....

It actually was a really good day. I woke up late afternoon and attacked some errands that I needed to run (catching up from being in LA) and then came back and just relaxed and watched TV for a while. I then met up with Kim for dinner and then we went back to her house and Rebecca met us there.... they introduced me to Maggie Moo and we met up with Nathan there.... just when you thought Ben and Jerry were the hereos.... anyway.... Kim, Rebecca, and myself went back to Kim's and watched "Ladder 49" ... and that was where the play of emotions began. First was when Jack talked about the ring his mom gave him.... he talked about how when it points to your heart and doesnt point to your heart and he turned it around indicating he was taken by Linda..... It may not have touched many people but because of how I was introduced to the concept of that ring over a year ago it meant alot to me and I caught myself almost crying. I continued to watch the life of Jack.... someone who risks his life on a day to day basis saving the lives of others.... someone who makes a difference. Multiple times through the movie I caught myself with tears in my eyes.... the way Linda was so proud of Jack.... and no matter what happened, the way she always stuck by him and dealt with what was apparently his life calling. I realized so much of the life I wish to have.... The beautiful wife that means everything to me... the beautiful kids that mean just as much to me.... and a life of selflessness and service to others. I want to make a difference in this world.... When my life is done I want people to be able to say that I made a difference and I dont want people to mourn my life ending but I want people to be there to celebrate my life. I want to leave behind a better world....

Can I? I dont know.... I feel so insignificant in this world. I feel like such a small person in the scope of everything and sometimes I feel that my dreams are too much to ask.... even the dream of being the best husband and best father seems so far-fetched to me at times.

All I can continue to do is my best.... my best to look to God and walk, day to day, step by step, in complete Faith.

Im doing some much needed relaxing today so sorry if I havent been calling anyone or talking to anyone.... I did take a few mins out to zip up all of the pictures and the few videos that I took while I was in New Orleans. There will be more once we consolidate all of the pictures taken by everyone on the team. But if any of you want to look through these, feel free to download the file. They are all unsorted but I will later sort them and put captions on them and such.... but thats for a later time :) If you want to view the videos in this file, you need to have Apple Quicktime installed on your computer.

katrina05.zip

Home, Sweet, H...... *SNORE*

I don't even know what to think right now. I'm just in awe. Tanya wants to apologize for being distant.... We talk for 10 mins tonight and she tells me that I have changed. I tried my best to be civil but yet let her know what was on my mind. She is going to start treating eli for adhd..... I have adhd and I have done a lot of research on it. Eli isn't having any issues and the side effects of adhd in children can be very bad..... But instead of listening to me..... Well... Long story short, she told me to stay away from her.

I'm just in awe.... Not really that surprised but.... Oh well.... I guess I just lost another friend, although I may have lost this friend long before anyway :(