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Today was bad.... I had a panic attack... well, it was a little more than that. I took some xanax and when I calmed down I was just out of it.... but that was for the better. I sat listening to Disturbed's song "Voices" over and over again.... and looking back... that scares me.... if anyone knows the lyrics to that song, you will know why.

The truth is... all of this could be so much better... I think.... the problem is that in this chess game, im not the one to make the next move..... but until that move is made, I'm scared... I'm scared of alot....

I worry now... why? just simply because Tiff isnt online. If there is one person worse than me right now, its her... and I worry....

The doctors arent there for me... my friends are only around to tell me what they think im doing wrong... I mean... come on people....

Argh... I'm getting upset again... I better go....

I'm so hurting. It hard to miss someone.... Its hard to go through what I've been going through.

Im sure somewhere there is someone betting on who is gonna to kill themselves first.... there are at least 3 of us now... plenty to bid on.... I recommend you find them and bet now.... because someone's probably going to be gone soon.

So this morning my mom calls me while I'm sleeping and says get up for church..... This is fine.... but I was up till past 2am... part my fault, but part not... either way I was, and still am beat. I was debating it.... I told her that I was up to 2 and she said "I'm being the parent and I'm telling you you will get up and go to church now" .... well, that made up my mind.... those could have possibly been the worse words she could have used. I was so fuming mad and said that I wasnt going and hung up. She's probably gonna be pissed when she gets home but it really upset me... badly....

And so I start another great day..... someone shoot me, please.

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

Everyone is out having a good time but me....

Tiff isnt online... she's prolly out having a good time with Jim....
Parents arent home... they're at a party....
no one is online at all.... not that they'd wanna talk to me anyway....

Where the hell am I? At home alone.... this is bull' I hate my life.... so bad.

Im really down.... I'm home... but really down... my family is all at a party..... I'm here.... I really dont like my life... not at all....

I shouldnt be here.... I shouldnt be alive.....

Yea! I get to leave VA finally..... at least I gotta good sleep.... it still sucks that my saturday was shot... even tho Iw ouldnt have done anything anyway...

I had a long talk with someone last night that I needed to.... honestly, it helped alot but it just painted a picture of just how stupid the entire situation is....

I'm ok this morning.... but I am a little down.... I'll have my evening tonight.... but... well, yea... no one will be there with me.... *sigh*

So I am in VA all night now... I'm in my motel now... totally beat and ready for bed....

but yea, last night someone really helped me.... now Im not allowed to talk to her.... its amazing how rules apply to some people and not others... really kind of upsetting.... but im not allowed to have people to help me.... heaven forbid that I feel good for once.....

Someday maybe I'll meet a girl and she'll be the one for me and there wont be an issue.... someday maybe..... ok, im not banking on it.....

I'm really going downhill for the day... I guess I better just get my butt in bed before I get more pissed off. *sigh*

Its almost 8pm.... Im nowhere near leaving VA..... I should be getting home by now... *sigh* .... Im glad I'll at least be getting a decent paycheck.... which I need.... but still... this is crazy.... *sigh*

I found out last night.... that when I was flipping out and stuff... that by me going to someone for help actually prevented that person from hurting themselves. It is funny the way God works sometimes... its amazing how He will use a bad situation to perform a miracle.... This at least makes me feel a little better about last night. I know I still need help... but at least I know God is still in it all....

Well I'm still doing ok mentally just not physically. I am really looking forward to sleeping in tommorrow... I just don't feel well... I'm freezing no matter where I'm at...... Just not well. Well I'm gonna eat my lunch now.

I dont know what happened last night..... but then again, I still know I'm not well. Today I'm doing fine so far.... 2 projects are almost done and they went smooth. I talked to Ange for a long time last night... she's such a nice girl and she really helped.... but she helped because she knew she couldnt help... its hard to understand but the truth is, I just need someone to be my friend... someone I can just talk to and stuff.... and if you TRY to help me, you screw that all up. I do feel alot better this morning... I hope it stays this way.

Im so misserable tonight.... no even explaining it... Dr. Gaul called me back... he gave me permission to take Xanax or Ativan if need be.... I cant believe I'm back to this point again.... I need a therapist or a psychiatrist or something.... I put a call into Western Psych's IOP to see if they can get me to a psychiatrist soon.... I really need some serious SERIOUS prayer... im in bad shape.... sure I look happy... but im not... im not in the slightest.
.... and now I get ready to drive to VA.... just another parts of my mundane week... I really hate my life.... I hate being alone.... I hate it all....

Anyone who believes the happy face that I have been putting on for the past 2 weeks needs shot.... Im ... just not good.... I need prayer... lots of it.....

Yaknow... I watch my blogs and I realize that I am seriously going downhill drastically. I really seriously need prayer.... lots of it.... I'm scared again... Really scared. I called Dr. Gaul.. well, his office to leave a message for him.... I know this isnt his field but I dont know who else to call... its not like I have my therapist or anything.... I dont even know when I'll see a psychiatrist again.... I dont know if its my insurance company's fault or what... it probably is... no insurance company likes to deal with mental health so you always seem to get shit from them.... all I know is this all sucks... all of it... everything.

I am really not fond of my life.... I really have no hope.... I have nothing to look forward to... ever... nothing in my life in general... I dont look forward to tommorow.. or next week... or next month... or next year.... I just dont have anything to look forward to... nothing exciting going on... nothing looking up for me at all.... all I have is get up tomorrow, deal with my depression or mood disorder or whatever the hell it is and just get my job done.... after that I can go back to sleep to do it all over again.

I'm tired of it... I'm tired of being lonely... I'm tired of being all alone in this world... no one to talk to or to hug or to cry on..... no one to cuddle with... no one.... I am hurting really bad.... REALLY bad... I cant take this much longer.... I really need a miracle....

Well Tanya called me a little bit ago.... I guess I feel a little better now that she explained why she's kinda ignored me.... she's having some problems.... but the bad news is that she confirmed that her and Eli's Dad are getting back together..... this really bugs me.... *sigh*

I really wish I could just cut the whole last year out... ... well, maybe 2.... go back to when I was in school and Tiff and I were really close and new that we were only going to become closer.... those were good times.... and I miss them bad.... now we sit here screwed up in the head.... *sigh* ... ok, i'll stop for now....

Well our one customer cut the work load down alot so hopefully I will get out of here at 4... thats at least some good news.

I really cant wait until Nov. 8th... I need to see a therapist badly.

I am at the data center now and just finally waking up. This could be another long day with seeing what I have to do... it could take a while. I really hope that I can get out of here at 4 today... I'm just not with it... but either way, this is my job, and I will do it to the best of my ability.

I really need some serious prayer. Truth be told I was crushed when I found out tanya went back to Eli's dad.... it really just broke my heart.... and its not because "shes not mine" but because... well, there are alot of reasons that I need not go into... I'm worried.... No, this isnt why im in bad shape... I was starting to go downhill before that for some reason.... Im just tired of the same old stuff.... and then when the bad stuff repeats it's self it hurts even more. I dont know what the future holds and Im not paitient enough to wait... I could be if I had friends who wanted to do stuff.... no one understand how bad I want it to snow. I need to get up on the slopes badly... thats really the ONLY thing I can do.... and the only thing I dont mind doing alone.

Im gonna get back to work... I just needed to take a min to blog. Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Thanks!

Well at least I'm venting... it may be to tiff, but at least I'm venting.... She's about all thats around right now.

Folks, I'm not doing well... please pray.....

So my day had a small highlight.... I got a new tank and got one cleaned... and it seems that all the fish are doing just fine....

... but.... first of all... I havent heard from Tanya in so extremely long.... I emailed her once... called her once.... havent heard from her.... tonight my mom told me that she was back with Eli's dad.... I just wanted to cry.... ok.. maybe I did a little.... Im really starting to hate myself for breaking up with her.... maybe we werent perfect together but at least... well, at least she was happy and in good shape.... not that I was it... but she was.... and well... I dunno... I guess I shouldnt be worried but I am.... and if Eli's dad is why she hasnt talked to me... that just hurts really bad.

.... THEN.... I havent even so much as seen Tiff online... no posts to her blog... I just want to know she's ok... but I dont.... all this adds to what has already been going on.....

I guess I've made some seriously stupid decissions and ive not been there to help others.... I really am not feeling too proud of myself.... Maybe I deserve this?

Mom said something to dad.... im not bowling now... thank God :)

So my dad comes to drop something off to me just a bit ago and goes "You are bowling tonight, right?" ... *sigh* ... yea, I guess I am....

I just wanna cry..... this day is NOT getting better... its only getting worse... so much for setting up my fish tanks and getting to bed early.

Well, I ended last night with a dream about Tiff and myself.... I guess I kinda enjoyed the dream but that doesnt mean that my hopes are higher :(

Last night was horribly bad.... I dont really know why... it just was..... and im glad it's over..... I actually havent got off to a good start today either.... slept in... rolled out of bed.... I'm really hoping for the best for today..... Petsmart better have the tank I want.... if not, I'm just going to bed to forget it all.....

I really feel like I'm going nutso again.... I'll be fine.... I know I will.... I'm just kinda out of it at the moment.

Well, I'm at work now... so I'm gonna end this post.... there will more than likely be more later. Just keep me in your prayers.... I'm tired of being lonely and bored.

This was a rotten day.... more not having anything to do... then having to go to work when I didnt feel like it... depressed all day.... get home and find that my last goldfish died.... Im tired of not having any friends to do anything with.... and I stress what I said there.... I DID NOT say that I have no friends.. so dont tell me that I do... I know I do... I just want friends that I can do something with on my day(s) off.... but they arent there. People left and right are telling me that I need to quit pizza hut.... those are the same people that arent there when I have a day off and go crazy because NO ONE is there. There are many times that I would like to quit pizza hut.... but why? When I have nothing to do anyway, why should I?

Argh... I'm really frustrated... at least tomorrow should be a better day.... I should be getting another aquarium for my baby fish.... I cant wait to fall asleep... I really cant.....

Secretively I have been hoping that someone would just show up at my house...... today would be the best day for that... tho I know its not possible. I just so need excitement in my life... Im so bored with everyting.... oh well... time to quit work... someone call me or something.

Does ANYONE want to do something today? I need to get out and do something but I have no friends that like to do anything.... :(

I'm home... thank God.... good night!

What a day!
But I'm finally home!
Nite Nite

Just a heads up to anyone looking for me... I will not be leaving here (VA) for a long while yet.... everything going wrong.... anyway, just a heads up... gotta get back to work.

Lunch went well.... I am just now having my first can of pop.... I think im doing well.... however, I am having some serious burn out right now I think.... I could use something to cheer me up.... something to do or ... anything.... keep me in your prayers.
Thanks!

Looks as though my new schedule is going into effect.... I'll leave tonight for VA, go to Maryland, sleep... get to the data center around 8am. Then I get to leave at 4pm and hopefully miss most of the traffic. Wish me luck.

First, if you read this at all, you must read it all....

Ok... where to start. First of all... I am really dealing with something.... I still have not gotten over the decision that was made for me by close friends while I was in the hospital. Deciding for me that I should not be talking to Tiff was the single most destroying thing that happened to me. The worst part is, it was good intentions. So how do you treat that. You would hope that seeing upon how bad it hurt that some people might realize that maybe it wasnt the best thing..... but thats not what has happened. I know of 4 people invovled. Jason, Jim, my mom, and Matt..... and ive been working this through with each one of them. My guess is that Matt doesnt even realize what happened.... he was just asked some questions. My next guess that is when I talk to my mom about it, she is going to lie. Only because she doesnt want to hurt me.... Jim is right there with Jason but yet understands that defensiveness is bad.... thank God for one friend that realized that interfering would be bad and just didnt get involved. Anyway... thats the first thing on my mind. Second thing on my mind.... my life needs to get back in order.... and I NEED TO GET BACK TO GOD! Thirdly... I wish that I could help Tiff... but yet I know I cant. Fourth... I cant wait to get back into counseling a little bit. Fifth... finances.

Ok.. so what happens now? I, of course, had 4 hours to think about this while it was on my mind the entire drive home from VA today. Finances... eating out.. bad.... also, eating out with Jim and Jason.... honestly... its bad for my mood right now. I dont really know why but its been eating at me. So I stopped at Wal Mart tonight and picked up groceries... I'm going to give this a shot. What else? I'm going to try to cut WAY back on pop.... caffeine is SOOO bad for me in this situation.... looks like the pop machine at CCI is gonna take a hit. I dug out my old cooler.... bought some sandwhich bags and a case of water as well as others.... I'm walking into CCI tomorrow with a laptop on my back and a cooler in my hand. And then I started to think how am I going to handle a 1/2 hour lunch (yes, 1/2 hour... that means each day I will be getting an extra 1/2 hour of pay since I wont be taking an hour lunch - more good finances)..... Well, I need to get back to God... the reading before I go to bed isnt helping... so what better to suplement a sandwich than the good ol' fashioned WORD OF GOD. Honestly, I dont know how this is going to work out. My desire for the Lord is not where is should be but I'm going to try to devote time at lunch to read and to pray. It will only take me a few mins to eat as it usually does and its not fair to go back to work right away since I wont be getting paid for that half hour... so I'm going to go off to the side and read.... I'm gonna try it... I sure hope it works... I need God back. Well, not that He ever left... I guess I just need to look back to Him. Situation with those that hurt me? Well, that is going to have to be left to God right now. I am coping pretty well with that situation right now... it is hurting but that is the extent of it.... even Jason said how much ive matured and noted that when we actually talked about that situation I did not blow up.... I dont want to... it will do no good. I just need to leave it in the Lord's hands.... He knows how much it hurt me and if something needs done, the Lord will guide each person involved... I do need to talk to Matt tomorrow tho and just get things cleared up between me and him.... he is definately still my best friend.... I also really need to consider something else... bowling monday nights..... financially its not good, and emotionally it might not be either... I love bowling but im not liking going there every monday night... plus things in the league are just not right, and... thats another day I could ski per week..... I guess I'll need to talk to my dad about that... but gosh... thats gonna hurt me to do it and hurt him if it comes to me pulling out of the league.... I dont know. Either way... for most of the things that came up, I think I have really good plans for them.... I just pray that I can carry them through.... Keep me in your prayers.... and keep Tiff in your prayers too.... as for her... I need to know... but I cant be involved.... before I was there to lead her into making the right decissions.... its not my turn this time... it's hers. The only thing I can do is sit and watch... but I'm thankful that I am able to watch... I need that.... she needs that..... and by all means, if she makes a right decission and needs help... I'll be here.... she just has to make that decission.... it's hers to make... not mine.

Thanks to all who have been praying.... I'm going to pack a lunch (I cant believe I just used those words) and then head to bed. Good night all!

Finally finishing up another day in VA..... its been a day... *sigh* ... lots of my emotions playing with me.... lots of tiredness... especially with being sick yesterday..... Talked to jason today about possibly moving my hours.... Im hoping to drive down to the maryland welcome center the night before I work down here and then just sleep the night in my car..... which, sounds bad.... but really isnt. It woudl be alot safer than me driving at 6am.... my body just does not wake up then..... its really tough.... and I really would like to be alert when I drive :) ... and sleeping in my car? so what.... I get my shower before I leave and honestly.... my car is not uncomfortable at all (yes, ive slept in it before)... then the plan would be work 8am till 4pm and then that means I'll get out of here before the DC rush hour.... Its just in a suggestion state.... hopefully it will work out... at least to try for a while.... I guess we shall see tho. Im just glad to be going home for today.... im beat already..... and btw, please pray for me.... lots of stuff on my mind right now......

Well I am feeling a little bit better right now. I had some time to cool down and realize that its not that bad..... everything just kinda hit me hard right there.....

I really need to put this out in the open.... I am hurting at times right now... things are rough on me... I am coping and I really am doing just fine. But please, when I am down, do not think or assume that it is because of one reason or another. It makes it very tough on me when one person assumes that its one thing and starts giving me advice based on that assumption. I am better, everyone. The hospital helped and the outpaitient program helped... as well as my new meds. I am doing ok... I'm doing fine... but I hurt just like every single one of you do sometimes... and we all get through it.... but just because 2 months ago I couldnt handle it does not mean that I cant handle it now.... I need to be trusted with my own life again.

Thanks for listening, everyone. I needed to get that out.... and I wasnt pointing fingers at anyone... SO much was done for me that I appriciate greatly.... everything meant alot to me... I just need the time now to start getting my life back on track... and flat out... I have to find my first love again... and before anyone attacks that, I am reffering to my God. If you want to help, pray that I get back to Him. *hugz* to everyone... and thanks again!

I wish to God I did not live the last 15 mins of my life. Whoever realized the mood is contagious... they were genius! I was in such a good mood and now 15 mins later, I'm a wreck. And before ANYONE says ANYTHING about TIFF.... it is NOT her! I have not talked to her or had any reference to her for a while now. It is other people in my life right now..... Maybe I just need to quit being the helpful person I am... I help everyone... and I get screwed over for it.... "No good deed goes unpunished" ... there is alot of truth to that..... I need sleep I guess....

And yes... I'll get through this too....

Im tired of being lonely...... :(

--- Begin Comment ---
Bob, being a fellow manic depressive & married to one I know how you feel. It's so much easier to hide away from the world when you're alone. But it's in that isolation we get those crazy ideas that our lives don't matter. Then as we dwell on the pain it intensifies until it doesn't matter if we live or not. Not always suicidal but just kinda hoping to crawl in some dark hole & sleep until there's a better day. Of course reason says if you're sleeping how are you going to know it's a better day. LOL! But who ever said MD was rational? But force yourself to go eat at a soup kitchen & visit a mission & notice the needs. See something you're good at, jump right in & help. Very few will object. You have to climb outside yourself. Don't know why it works. But it does. There are worse things than being alone. It took a really wrong marriage to prove it to me. I was alone for the better part of 5 yrs. & in several bad relationships just to keep from being alone. It was when I made up my mind I was going to quit focusing so much on finding someone & turned my attention to others & improving my life things began changing. It sounds like pop psychology until you get it out of your head & into your heart. But it's true. Life really is worth living despite the suffering. Oh btw I say Go Bush,too.

Posted by alwayshope to BibleBoy's Blog at 10/17/2004 05:58:08 PM
--- End Comment ---

Yaknow.... well, it speaks for it's self....

And to "alwayshope" ... thanks!

Tonight I took a huge hit to my self esteem at work.... dunno if the person who said it really even realize it but enough was said to really make me wonder. Am I ever going to find a girl that likes me. I mean, people tell me all the time that Im a great guy.... but to have a relationship, I have to be attractive too.... and I really question that now.... will I ever find that person. Anyway, I'm really down right now... just needed to blog it.... I'll be fine im sure... this, too, shall pass.... it just hurts.... Im really lonely :(

I think I realized something about myself. People always wonder why I'm so into having a girl friend... and I think I figured it out. It has always seemed to me that a friendship is something that you just... you just have.... my experience with friends is that you talk and you know each other and you call them friends.... the majority of my friends... ok, ALL of my friends dont want to "go out" often... if at all.... many have girlfriends/wives that take up their time... to me, its been when I've had a girlfriend that I actually get to do stuff.... go see movies, go to parks, go to places like dave and busters.... just hang out.... its only when I have a girlfriend taht I get to do that stuff. So I think thats maybe why I want to have a girlfriend as badly as I do... just so I can get out of the house.... well, let me change that a little bit... that is NOT the only reason why... there are plenty of others.... but getting out of the house is big.

This is legit and anyone can (and should) sign up. Click this link so I get credit for it... well that is if you plan to vote. Their privacy policy is also safe.

http://bm12f51.voteornot.org/

Chorus
give me LOVE, give me LIBERTY, DISCO
the place everybody in the family's found
on that day, we will all be happy people
when LOVE, LIBERTY, DISCO's in town

and if I told you there's somebody who loves you
would you say, hey, show me that face
and if I told you that true freedom was actual
would you say, hey, take me to that place
and if I said there is a family
a body that moves as one
oh do you feel the LOVE that invites us, the LIBERTY that excites us
the DISCO has just begun
it's just begun

-Chorus-

and as we step into in the light of the lover
we're all the same, there's no rich or poor
and, you know it's never been good for a man to be alone
so come on in your name's on the door
what are we waiting for?

- Chorus -

all our fears are turning 'round
fall down and meet your maker
where our true selves we'll be found
callin' out to every lonely soul

- Chorus (5x) -

Things are better....

Ironed things out with Jason... he's not gonna call tiff anymore but most of all, I understand everything alot better... and so does he.

Tiff is at a point in my life where she needs to be. I cant help her... but maybe I can point her in the right direction. We talked for a while tonight... it was good.

Im tired.. construction and traffic was bad.... nite nite

Just taking a min to update some stuff in my life. First... I got to play with Eli 2 nights in a row.... of course he cried when I left both times... it hurt and yet made me feel good at the same time. I love that little boy to death! Had my appt with my lawyer... things are looking good there so thats a big relief.... parents bought me my season pass to Hidden Valley as an early Christmas present.... that means I can ski all the hell I want!!!!! My therapist said that a season pass would be the best thing for me... and he's right. It'll get me out to clear my head and get physical exercise at the same time..... now if it would just freaking snow! :) The other fun things is I met a couple cool girls on hot or not.... (why do I think that site is so fun?).... one lives pretty close and she is especially cool :) ... maybe I'll make a new friend.... I sure could use that.

Well I'm about to start my long EICOMM day. Hopefully all of us have good days!

Before I fell asleep last night I put a little thought in to tiff.... yaknow... its amazing how im the one that twists words.....
When I first started talking to tiff it was never an issue of friendship not working unless we were together, but that has been twisted. I said time and time again that the fact that we're not together doesnt hinder me... the fact that shes with Jim does. There were alot of promises made.... alot of things said.... and it all related to Jim. She says time and time again how bad things are with him and I guess not only does that bug me from before but because of the fact I care about her, I dont want to see her go through that. It's just not right for her.... if things arent going well, and especially after some things I've heard.... why is she still with him? That is what is killing me.
You can kindly disregard this post... it's evident somehow that I dont know what im talking about.... I dont really care... and Tiff is the worst thing in my life apparently. Its my life... and im not fit to control it.... so just ignore all of this...

I was watching the debate for a while... got sick of yelling at Kerry.... time to go to bed anyway.... GO BUSH!

Bush: "He is asking if I am going to put my judges through a litmus test. The answer is NO!"

Kerry: "The president hasnt addressed the question"

Are you freaking kidding me? And there are people who are really going to vote for Kerry?

I really am confused. The only thing I am convinced of is that my friends dont know whats best for me.... though, neither do I.

I did really well today... and I still am doing well... I had a little bit of rage that lasted only for a short time and I made sure that apologies were made after it. I'll be ok... I'm sure of it.

This time in my life is harder than ever before.... then again I have never loved this much than ever before....

I think tonight is my frist real down night since I've come out of the hospital... lots of stuff is getting to me.... mainly to start it all of, all of my friends avoid me... no one ever wants to do anything with me.... secondly I am still being haunted by what a friend of mine did to me while I was in the hospital.... I dont know about intentions any more... I want to talk about it but Im affraid to bring it up.... the results of it are still haunting me and becuase of it the answer that I need to know I will never find the answer to. Now, on top of it all... I have had the door slammed on my face publicly... I dont know if its really what she wants.... it could REALLY be the results of my friend's actions.... and I will never know.

I'm going to bed soon... I really hope I feel better when I wake up.

My dream last night was very nice... it involved tiff and was very nice.... can you imagine? Hehehe.... Im not taking anything to heart.... so dont worry.... but it would be nice if it was a little hint.

Just to let everyone know... I am still doing very well... Im still a little upset that many people just ignored my mass email asking a question.... but thats life. I can live with or without friends.

Time to get ready for the day! Have a good one!

Here's some pics of my sammy as it progresses into the new monster it will be.

Will ANYONE go to Judgement House with me? Can I get a friend please? :( They tell me in the hospital I need to do more with friends... I try... I really try... I just dont have the friends to do anything with.

Every now and then a song comes out that really describes alot... this is that song (ESPECIALLY the chorus):

Cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
And I can't keep
Picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad
Yeah, cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
I replay it
Over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it, no

I can't wait to see you
Wanna see if you still got that
Look in your eye
That one you had for me
Before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we
Gotta spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same thing
Over and over again

Oh but I think she's leaving on
And she's leaving here
And I don't know what else to do
(Can't go on not loving you)

Cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
And I can't keep
Picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad
Yeah, cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
I replay it
Over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it, no

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath
You took right in front of me
When you said that you would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you
Or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keeps
Playing in my head
Over and over again
It play in my head
Over and over again

Oh but I think she's leaving on
And she's leaving here
And I don't know what else to do
(Can't go on not loving you)

Cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
And I can't keep
Picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad
Yeah, cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
I replay it
Over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it, no

Now that I realize
That I'm going down
From all this pain you
Put me through
Everytime I close my eyes
I like it down
Oh, I can't go on not loving you

Cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
And I can't keep
Picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad
Yeah, cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
I replay it
Over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it, no

Cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
And I can't keep
Picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad
Yeah, cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
I replay it
Over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it, no

-- Nelly Ft/ Tim McGraw "Over and Over"

Someone just did something that really just made me feel like shit.... no matter... I'll deal with it.... Im gonna go hang out with Keith.... he may live far away from me but he's closer than some people.

"In 100 years it won't matter how big my house was or what car I drove; it will matter to me what I did for the Lord and to the world what I did for a child"

I'm only to somerset and the world is already nuts. There are people everywhere. Long day ahead.

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

-- Avril Lavigne

Oh yea... I did want to mention that Tanya and I talked last night.... guess everything was more of a misunderstanding... I do feel a little awkward now that dad is back in the picture but its ok.... they are both still really good friends. She's busy right now so I guess I still wont see her or Eli for a while... but such is life I guess.....

I feel very dissapointed by someone who... well... I'm just dissapointed. I dont even really know why.

The day was ok.... the night is gonna be even better because I can sleep.... good news is I still have 3 baby platies.... im amazed honestly.

Tomorrow is my last day in IOP... I'm really happy for that... I can get back to more of my life......

Well, thats all for now.... things are still going well. Thank you everyone for your prayers!

"I swear, Keith, people drive crazier down here in VA than in PA"
"Nah, its just we have faster cars so it's more evident"

... gotta love it :)

How can people miss someone or something so much, have the power to bring them back... yet still do nothing about it? I dont think I'll ever understand.

"one day ill be one of those special people that are married for a very long time.... And people will look at me funny."
-- Mikey (961 Kiss FM Freak Show)

sad thing is he is right.... What's wrong with Biblical principal? Now we have non Christians making fun of the fact that its gone.

So much for my 8pm....

Darby came down and was looking at my fish tank and said "why do you have minnows in there" ... I was like WHAT?.... I looked... sure enough my red platy (moon) was dead and there were little baby platies swimming around. I was able to get 3 seperated and then took a drive to Pet Supplies Plus which was the only pet store open.... ended up buying them some food and a net breeder so they should be safe.... I cant believe I have baby fish.... I hope that I can keep them alive... it's kinda cool.... but gesh... I am rapidly learning so much about fish the hardware.... I guess when you have 6 tanks you gotta expect stuff like this...

Anyway, I'm grabbing a quick snack and going to bed... goodnight.

I really am starting to miss Eli.... but maybe now that he's seeing his dad it's better that way. I dont know what to think of the whole situation and frankly, its not my place anyway... Tanya hasnt really called me like she used to... I havent talked to her in a while... maybe there is a reason for that... I'm not sure.... but I am really accepting that "it is what it is" .... Maybe its best for all... I really dont know. Tanya was a lot of fun to be around and I lost those days and I really love Eli to death... but if whatever happens is best for those two, then great... it's well worth it.

Today at IOP I found out that Thursday is my last day for sure. Next week I'll be able to get back to my regular schedule.... I'm looking forward to that.

Well I set myself an 8pm bedtime tonight so I can catch up... lets hope I can keep it.

I stayed home from bowling tonight to avoid stress... um yea....

I got one project done which was redoing my printing system on my network. The new printer works great... its a nice little thing... anyway... as im finishing that up my aunt calls and needs someone to talk to.... she came down and the night started...... just... well upsetting in some ways... scary in others.... she really needs some serious prayer and help... but I have to say she is working harder to get better.... which I think it why things are so tough right now.... either way I didnt blow up a tube of super glue so, yaknow... thats all good. Sometimes I do wish we could go back a few years.... I wanna go back in time... to when me and tiff were together and I wasnt dealing with that crap... and back when my aunt and uncle tim were together and no one was dealing with that either.... I just miss those days... but whether either of us get to a position where we are with the people that made us the happiest, I know that we'll be happy again.... I can at least say that for myself.

It LOOKS like I might actually get to bed before 2am.... but im not holding my breathe :) ... gosh I need some sleep tho... early night for me tomorrow I hope....

Well the night got even more eventful than at Pizza Hut......as I was gluing something with super glue my mom was telling me that we had to go up to my uncles quickly because my cousin was really nto doing well... stressed out and stuff (she scared of stuff regarding her mom / my aunt)..... as soon as those words are out of her mouth the tube pops and my hands are covered in super glue. I let the glue dry a bit and then drove up to my uncles... we stayed there.... NO ONE had freaking nail polish remover.... got home.... ran to wal mart and bout some then spent 1/2 hour trying to get it off since it had already set. My fingers still feel a little weird as there is still some glue on it... but its ok.... my cousin is doing a bit better but please keep her in your prayers..... she needs some serious help.

Well the night got even more eventful than at Pizza Hut......as I was gluing something with super glue my mom was telling me that we had to go up to my uncles quickly because my cousin was really nto doing well... stressed out and stuff (she scared of stuff regarding her mom / my aunt)..... as soon as those words are out of her mouth the tube pops and my hands are covered in super glue. I let the glue dry a bit and then drove up to my uncles... we stayed there.... NO ONE had freaking nail polish remover.... got home.... ran to wal mart and bout some then spent 1/2 hour trying to get it off since it had already set. My fingers still feel a little weird as there is still some glue on it... but its ok.... my cousin is doing a bit better but please keep her in your prayers..... she needs some serious help.

I started writing 3 different blogs tonight and each one got cyber-ly crumbled up and forgotten... so I'm just gonna leave it with a goodnight.

Thanks to all who are praying.... I'm doing fine... but its God thats pulling me through this.... and your prayers are definately helping there! I know my finances will be there in about 3 weeks or a month... its just gonna be rough in the meantime.

I started writing 3 different blogs tonight and each one got cyber-ly crumbled up and forgotten... so I'm just gonna leave it with a goodnight.

Thanks to all who are praying.... I'm doing fine... but its God thats pulling me through this.... and your prayers are definately helping there! I know my finances will be there in about 3 weeks or a month... its just gonna be rough in the meantime.

What a night at the hut.... we had a couple busy hours and my crew, well.... ok then... anyway... just alot of weird stuff... business seemed weird... training a new guy... all this together.... anyway, its over...

Got home and had a few messages... a couple were very interesting.... I dont understand how someone can wish something because of something bad.... but if that person made it so she didnt have to wish for it and had it they probably wouldnt need help anyway..... ok so there is some sense in there somewhere.... try to figure it out if you want... if you dont, oh well.... i'm not gonna think about it much more....

What a night at the hut.... we had a couple busy hours and my crew, well.... ok then... anyway... just alot of weird stuff... business seemed weird... training a new guy... all this together.... anyway, its over...

Got home and had a few messages... a couple were very interesting.... I dont understand how someone can wish something because of something bad.... but if that person made it so she didnt have to wish for it and had it they probably wouldnt need help anyway..... ok so there is some sense in there somewhere.... try to figure it out if you want... if you dont, oh well.... i'm not gonna think about it much more....

Just a prayer request for everyone... please pray for my finances... it's going to be REALLY rough for the next few weeks after being in the hospital.... I'm doing fine... not stressed or anything... I just would really appriciate some prayer.

Thanks!

Pastor Roy starts telling a story of Rome. When a conqurer overcame a battle they had a procession about a block long. The man who lead the battle was carried on a chariot. Then he said about Paul saying that we are MORE than conqurers..... Then he said it and tears came.... "when you come through a battle there is a procession." I still have goose bumps... A couple weks ago when I heard "call your ride... Your going home." there was a parade in heaven. They had floats and all. I came through...... I'm crying.... God is moving.....

"whats over your head is under His feet"

Oh the Blood of Jesus
Oh the Blood of Jesus
Oh the Blood of Jesus
It washes white as snow

--

And I....... I'm desperate for You
And I....... I'm lost without You

Oh the Blood of Jesus
Oh the Blood of Jesus
Oh the Blood of Jesus
It washes white as snow

--

And I....... I'm desperate for You
And I....... I'm lost without You

Alone again again alone
Patiently waiting by the phone
Hoping that you will call me home
The pain inside my love denied
Hopes and dreams swallowed by pride
Everything I need it lies in you

-- 12 Stones "Broken"

DuBois Aqauriums! *shrug* I really dont know what to think of this. All three tanks in my room have lights on the same timer. I wake up this morning and 2 of the 3 are off. The one is a VERY old light which has a bad starter in it... ok, thats understandable... but the other one is the tank I got from DuBois Mall's pet store and the weird thing about it is it doesnt have a plexi glass sheild between the light and the water like all of my other ones do. Sure enough, the end of the bulb is scorched.... I dont get it... the only thing Im thinking is that they gave me a hood for reptiles.... I dunno... either way, 2 tanks have no light and that cant be good..... well, thats my morning so far.... hopefully it gets better :)

Did I say I miss Tiff? Ooopss... maybe I do... but dont tell anyone.... *sigh*

I miss people: Eli, Tiff, Kendra, Jo, Tanya, etc, etc, etc, etc...... Either no time to see them... or they dont want anything to do with me... oh well.. life goes on... I just really miss some people.... I really miss Eli.... I wanna see him.... I just have no time..... stupid computers.....

So I am a little down today. But I can't say its not justified so its ok. My problems before where being down for no reason or over reacting. I'm just generally down about money right now. I'm very broke and it sucks. Oh well.... Work is a little stressful... I'm at lunch now. I had been working on one of our customers switches all afternoon but it had to do with ip migration so they don't get billed. Kinda tough when jason sees that I don't have much done with the domain sorting and yet have no billed hours. I am also swamped at home. 3 computers waiting at my house to fix not to mention my own computer projects and other stuff. I'm beat before I wake up.

I really am doing well tho. Things will get better. Whether this blog made any sense or not, thanks for letting me vent.