Saturday, June 03, 2006

I really dont get into details about what happened tonight (and this is totally unrelated to my last post) but I do want to pour my heart out a little bit.

There are so many people out there that care and say they care and their solution to answering a question asked by the person they care about is to lie if they think it will hurt their feelings. You hear the saying that a friend wont stab you in the back, they'll insult you to your face.... Honesty is the most important thing in a friendship... and in a relationship. The one thing that should never be allowed to be put into question is your honesty because, quite honestly, how do you get out of that? If the thing in question is your honesty then you obviously cant just say "oh well, im being honest now" ... It just doesnt work that way. The only way to gain trust back once your honesty is in question is to take risks.... and be blantantly honesty about everything because if you dont, there is no other way to get it back and your honesty will forever be questioned.

In my life, I am constantly hurt -- not by those people that hate me, but by the people that care the most about me. There are people that hate me... there are people that abuse me... and yaknow, I can just move on from that without any issue at all because they arent worth much.... The most pain I ever have experienced in my life has always been the result of a friend or family member.... from those that I trust.... and I'd say that more than half of those times, its because they lied to me about something that they thought or knew what going to hurt my feelings. Maybe it would have hurt my feelings but you cant imagine the damage lying does whether its with good intentions or not. You end up hurting your reliability and then when the truth is the only thing that will set you free, the truth wont be believed. It doesnt matter what the intent was for you to lie, you still did it. Thats what hurts.

Im in a position now where I dont really trust many people. Sometimes I think I'm almost in a paranoia state... and its because I dont know who I can trust or who I can rely on. Sure, my church answer is "God" but we all know that reality rarely matches what we know and how we behave. Your church answer will be "get back in the Bible" and the same is true with that. With God aside tho, it really hurts when you put trust into people and they let you down. The thing is, no matter what you lie about, you still lie... and you cant do that.

Above all of this tho is the hardest thing of all. It is trying to let your heart convince your mind that you can trust someone that hurt you in many many ways because of well-intended lying. It's really hard when your heart yearns to have someone in your life but your mind wont let that person in because of the dishonesty and confusion.

Earlier this week I mentioned how the next couple of months at life group were going to be painful for me... I think that maybe alot more than just life group is going to be painful... But, as in everything, I guess there is no gain without some pain.

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