Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I cant understand what it is about me that people dont like. Anything that has to do with interaction with people in an intimate way just never seems to go well for me. When I worked at Computer Connections and at Carpathia, customers loved me.... they really appriciated my hard work and effort. But on the work side of things, as time went out, I was hated more and more it seems. Then you go back to the ever-popular relationship issues.... no matter what, I could never make or keep my girlfriend happy.... Granted, the majority of them were girls that were clearly not for me and it wasnt supposed to work out... but with Tiff... what happened? No matter what I tried, I could never make her happy.... Nothing I ever did was the right thing or was it ever good enough. Nothing I ever did was appriciated but only looked at as an interferance. I just dont understand. This is what I'm having a really hard time coping with. I mean, my goals in life are to serve, to be the best husband I can be, as well as the best father I can be.... but I can't make people happy so how am I supposed to carry out my goals? So I'm left with a pointless and worthless life.... I feel meaningless in almost every way. Sure, I'm positive about alot of things.... I have a good job and a place to live... and I am helping at my church which does bring me some joy... but at the end of the day, I feel worthless because I cant be surrounded by happy people... actually, I cant be surrounded by people at all. I was so happy when I left Carpathia because I'd have the ability to actually hang out with friends.... but when I left and had the ability, all of a sudden, my friends dissappeared. I dont understand it. I want to hang out... I try... I try real hard.... but no one is interested. I supposed im just not exciting to be around? I just dont understand it.... and worse yet, I really felt appriciated at my current job but now I'm not so sure.... but honestly, that is probably just because of how I feel... and there is alot going on at work as well.... Actually, I think the fact that I'm working alot is the reason why I cant say that I'm full blown depressed.... but then again, working alot is doing its part towards killing me as well.... but if I dont work, I dont have friends to hang out with... I dont have anything to do. So then I become bored.... so why stop working to take some time off when I dont have anything to do with my time? All I end up doing is making up something to do... and I stress myself out more.

I just wish I could make people happy. I wish I had something to offer.... I wish my life had meaning.

No comments: