I tried to help her even though.... ahh, well... anyway.... its frustrating to me when someone seems like they are asking for help and you go through trouble setting something up for them and they just totally ignore what you came up with.... It really is a frustrating thing....
... Another frustrating thing is finances when you get out of the hospital... gosh darn it am I in trouble... serious trouble.....
Even with the added stress tho, I am doing ok. But I really must sleep now... gotta go to VA tomorrow. G'night
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Monday, September 27, 2004
I really dont know where to start this evening..... or what to say..... my goal was to really seriously relax at bowling tonight... I needed it really bad....
A little history.... over the summer a couple, Joy and Dan broke up. Both bowled for Singing Church #1 and this season things got interesting. Joy joined our church.... throw in the fact that Dan is "not wrapped too tight" and you got a mess. Another team member invited Joy to bowl with us.
Well, tonight, that other team member was welcomed in the parking lot by threats and screaming from Dan. Dan also went towards Joy with various comments. To my knowledge the cops were called.
Where does this affect me? Honestly, I didnt think it did until I, no joke, started halucinating. I literally saw Dan standing behind me and my dad as my dad was talking about something different than what I thouht. My mind saw my dad talking about Dan while he was standing directly behind us..... the scary part was... I never saw Dan leave.... he was never there. No one else saw him. Leading up to that I heard people calling my name that werent there. It was really scary. This situation had me very very very scared for some reason. I dont know why really... It didnt really affect me... Well... Singing Church #1 made the decission to pull their team because a rule of their team was that to bowl on it you have to be a member of their church... Dan was recently thrown out of their church. They made the decission half way through the first game. After hearing that, I had to leave. I just was scared for what was going to happen... even tho nothing very well might... I dont know... I just had to get out of the enviornment and clear my head. I am feeling fine.... no problems otherwise. Just a little freaked out.
So much for a relaxing evening. I just hope this doesnt happen again. We are going to play next week by ear on whether I go or not. We'll see.
A little history.... over the summer a couple, Joy and Dan broke up. Both bowled for Singing Church #1 and this season things got interesting. Joy joined our church.... throw in the fact that Dan is "not wrapped too tight" and you got a mess. Another team member invited Joy to bowl with us.
Well, tonight, that other team member was welcomed in the parking lot by threats and screaming from Dan. Dan also went towards Joy with various comments. To my knowledge the cops were called.
Where does this affect me? Honestly, I didnt think it did until I, no joke, started halucinating. I literally saw Dan standing behind me and my dad as my dad was talking about something different than what I thouht. My mind saw my dad talking about Dan while he was standing directly behind us..... the scary part was... I never saw Dan leave.... he was never there. No one else saw him. Leading up to that I heard people calling my name that werent there. It was really scary. This situation had me very very very scared for some reason. I dont know why really... It didnt really affect me... Well... Singing Church #1 made the decission to pull their team because a rule of their team was that to bowl on it you have to be a member of their church... Dan was recently thrown out of their church. They made the decission half way through the first game. After hearing that, I had to leave. I just was scared for what was going to happen... even tho nothing very well might... I dont know... I just had to get out of the enviornment and clear my head. I am feeling fine.... no problems otherwise. Just a little freaked out.
So much for a relaxing evening. I just hope this doesnt happen again. We are going to play next week by ear on whether I go or not. We'll see.
Timers on dishwashers?
Who the hell sat down and said "it would be a good idea to put a timer on our dishwasher so that the consumer can load his dishwasher and then tell it to start washing them an hour later!"
Come on people.... we are so "feature crazed" that we let companies put stupid stuff on them that we will never use just to get our attention. It's stupid....
.... Unless your my dad :(
Who the hell sat down and said "it would be a good idea to put a timer on our dishwasher so that the consumer can load his dishwasher and then tell it to start washing them an hour later!"
Come on people.... we are so "feature crazed" that we let companies put stupid stuff on them that we will never use just to get our attention. It's stupid....
.... Unless your my dad :(
I got to group early today so I'm just waiting for it to start. On my way here I got my blood drawn for one final test the doctor in the hospital wanted to run.
I just now got a voice mail on my palm... I think I know what it is and its not good.... No one has that phone number. I don't even have it.
I guess things are looking a little more up with my aunt. That's good. Western psych helped me a lot so they should make a good impact on her. I hope so. I want to see things better for her.
Still a lot of things going through my mind. I am doing really well... Just really trying to sort things out and that is really good.
Well I'm gonna end for now. More later, I'm sure.
I just now got a voice mail on my palm... I think I know what it is and its not good.... No one has that phone number. I don't even have it.
I guess things are looking a little more up with my aunt. That's good. Western psych helped me a lot so they should make a good impact on her. I hope so. I want to see things better for her.
Still a lot of things going through my mind. I am doing really well... Just really trying to sort things out and that is really good.
Well I'm gonna end for now. More later, I'm sure.
Tonight I was called the Hugh Hefner of Pizza Hut.... interesting :)
I really seriously figured out a big part of what is wrong with me. Its been known that I dont do enough for fun.... I work all the time... almost non-stop... but the thing that people dont see is that Saturdays I have off and always just sit at home. Truth is... I'm starved for attention.... in a different way than that ultimately sounds tho. I so badly want to be able to call someone up and go hang out.... anytime I want to do something, everyone backs away. Starts to make me think there is something wrong with me... then you throw on the troubles that Ive had with girls such as cheating and ignoring me and lying and such.... it really makes you think something is wrong. The problem is I cant relax because I dont think anyone likes me. Now I know im about to get a flood of emails saying "I care, bob.... I care" ... ok, yes, you care... yadda yadda yadda.... if you are out of the state, I can accept that.... if you are local then bull (except for Bill... for reasons we've discussed).... Im dying to go see a movie... will anyone go to a movie with me? no. "I'm married, bob.. someday you'll learn" ... "I have to watch the kids" "I have plans" "I dont have any money" ... the list can go on. This is my biggest problem... but the truth is... even if this does bring people to hang out with.. it wont last... it will go back to the same excuses that were before... There's just something about me that people dont like being around me.... I really dont understand it. *sigh* I'm doing ok.... I'm just sorting stuff out.
I really seriously figured out a big part of what is wrong with me. Its been known that I dont do enough for fun.... I work all the time... almost non-stop... but the thing that people dont see is that Saturdays I have off and always just sit at home. Truth is... I'm starved for attention.... in a different way than that ultimately sounds tho. I so badly want to be able to call someone up and go hang out.... anytime I want to do something, everyone backs away. Starts to make me think there is something wrong with me... then you throw on the troubles that Ive had with girls such as cheating and ignoring me and lying and such.... it really makes you think something is wrong. The problem is I cant relax because I dont think anyone likes me. Now I know im about to get a flood of emails saying "I care, bob.... I care" ... ok, yes, you care... yadda yadda yadda.... if you are out of the state, I can accept that.... if you are local then bull (except for Bill... for reasons we've discussed).... Im dying to go see a movie... will anyone go to a movie with me? no. "I'm married, bob.. someday you'll learn" ... "I have to watch the kids" "I have plans" "I dont have any money" ... the list can go on. This is my biggest problem... but the truth is... even if this does bring people to hang out with.. it wont last... it will go back to the same excuses that were before... There's just something about me that people dont like being around me.... I really dont understand it. *sigh* I'm doing ok.... I'm just sorting stuff out.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Still up... spent some time in Western Psych tonight... but it wasnt for me.... we had to take my aunt in... she is actually still there but not admitted yet. They had to take her over to Presby to get a medical clearance.... this... well, if you know what that means, ok... if not, dont worry about it. I'm not going to delve into details... dont need to. Im debating whether I'm getting up to go to the meeting at the hut... Id like to... but ive had very little sleep... so you know. I may even get a phone call from WPIC.... we'll see what happens... just keep all of us in your prayers. Thanks!
Friday, September 24, 2004
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no lie
I defy
[CHORUS:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm comimg clean, I'm coming clean
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind
[CHORUS]
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming clean
[CHORUS]
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
--- Hillary Duff "Come Clean"
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no lie
I defy
[CHORUS:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm comimg clean, I'm coming clean
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind
[CHORUS]
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming clean
[CHORUS]
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
--- Hillary Duff "Come Clean"
I am definately in a situation I dont know how to handle..... Tiff just let go... and let go too easily... way too easily... this may have been the best thing for me except for one of my friends had influence.... now I again question on whether this is real or if its just brought on because of pressure from one of my friends.... Letting go is one thing... letting go that easily is another.
I dont like this scenario.... I dont like it at all.... my therapist and I worked on this situation in the hospital.... I had plans of what I was going to do when I got out... I was going to close the unfinished business that I had with Tiff... no matter which direction that took me.... but now there is an outside source and I dont know how to handle it. I cant say this is the best thing now because there is other words thrown into the mix that may have thrown everything off balance.
Why me? One thing is good... Im not getting angry about all of this....
I dont like this scenario.... I dont like it at all.... my therapist and I worked on this situation in the hospital.... I had plans of what I was going to do when I got out... I was going to close the unfinished business that I had with Tiff... no matter which direction that took me.... but now there is an outside source and I dont know how to handle it. I cant say this is the best thing now because there is other words thrown into the mix that may have thrown everything off balance.
Why me? One thing is good... Im not getting angry about all of this....
Thursday, September 23, 2004
One thing I have noticed over the last few days, and is shown again tonight, is that I have become alot more emotional. This is a good thing. Now, I cant say that I'm going to enjoy crying may way through this situation but at least I am again feeling my emotions rather than hiding them. I wont lie... what I learned tonight hurts... and hurts real bad... and what hurts even more is that it was meant to be a secret. There is no doubt in my mind that I will cry myself to sleep now.... and I mean real tears.... but at least I'll be able to release... at least I'll be able to feel this emotion and take it for what its for.... I cant start to accept emotions until I start to feel them.... and I think this is a good thing. It hurts like hell... I really does... but I'll make it. I will make it... I WILL MAKE IT!
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Well, it looks like while I was in the hospital working with therapists and psychiatrists trying to figure out what would be best for me, some of my friends where working on what THEY felt would be best..... and they just happen to collide... so now what? I cant work toward the plan that I had that I felt so confident about... the plan that trained professionals helped me come up with.... and I cant do this because some people thought they knew what was best. Dont matter... I will make it through this....
I'm Out!!
For those of you who didnt know, last tuesday I was admitted to UPMC Western Psychiatric Hospital. I was just discharged this afternoon. (and it feels weird to type on a keyboard again).
Alot happened in that week... im sure outside as well as inside the hospital. This blog I am posting before I read ANY email, blogs, comments, etc. For one thing, my diagnosis has changed from BiPolar Disorder to Mood Disorder NOS. I am on completely different meds now and they seem to be helping so far. Things are looking good... we just gotta see what happens when some stress comes my way.
(I find it odd that Tiff was online when I booted my computer up but all of a sudden she's gone now... hmmm)
Truth is I have put things where they need to be... I got calls in the hospital from people I never thought would even care.... then again, I lacked visitors.... people who I thought cared alot more. all in all I learned alot about myself and others. It really was a needed experience for me. I cant say I ENJOYED my time in there, but it was definately needed. I start back at IOP tomorrow again.
Well, thats the news for now.... its onto reading emails and blogs and such.... *crosses fingers*
For those of you who didnt know, last tuesday I was admitted to UPMC Western Psychiatric Hospital. I was just discharged this afternoon. (and it feels weird to type on a keyboard again).
Alot happened in that week... im sure outside as well as inside the hospital. This blog I am posting before I read ANY email, blogs, comments, etc. For one thing, my diagnosis has changed from BiPolar Disorder to Mood Disorder NOS. I am on completely different meds now and they seem to be helping so far. Things are looking good... we just gotta see what happens when some stress comes my way.
(I find it odd that Tiff was online when I booted my computer up but all of a sudden she's gone now... hmmm)
Truth is I have put things where they need to be... I got calls in the hospital from people I never thought would even care.... then again, I lacked visitors.... people who I thought cared alot more. all in all I learned alot about myself and others. It really was a needed experience for me. I cant say I ENJOYED my time in there, but it was definately needed. I start back at IOP tomorrow again.
Well, thats the news for now.... its onto reading emails and blogs and such.... *crosses fingers*
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
What was it about Tiff that you liked about her?
.... those were the words that my therapist found out can get tears in my eyes in an instant.... but with tears in my eyes, words started coming out of my mouth.... and when those words finished they were followed by "I have never been able to put that into words before." .... Truth is, I never have. But I learned alot about me today.... I learned alot about the way I feel.... and seeing my therapist's reaction after telling her how I felt about Tiff... well.... I just learned alot....
.... those were the words that my therapist found out can get tears in my eyes in an instant.... but with tears in my eyes, words started coming out of my mouth.... and when those words finished they were followed by "I have never been able to put that into words before." .... Truth is, I never have. But I learned alot about me today.... I learned alot about the way I feel.... and seeing my therapist's reaction after telling her how I felt about Tiff... well.... I just learned alot....
Monday, September 13, 2004
Im not well tonight... first of all, I have now been up for over 40 hours... well over that. I dont understand why I have to live with mental illnesses.... and why I cant get any relief from them... and why the most important people in my life not only dont understand... they dont WANT to understand. Tonight at bowling... the sorry pathetic person I am pretty much lost it for my team.... everyone bowled bad but I was REAL bad. (Oh, wow... tiff is actually talking to me... guess her honeymoon with Jim is oveR) ... anyway.... I blew it for the team... all because I had a manic episode sunday night into monday morning and good not sleep.... so ... well, I just blew it... then my dad ... it was just obvious he was frustrated... before this him and my mom both were like "why were you up all night?" I try to explain... they just dont want to understand. They cant grasp the fact that this is the way my mind works. I hate it... but there is nothing I can do about it.... Over the last few days my suicidal thoughts (still passive) drifted away until today.... im back to just wanting it to all end.... I want out of this life... So anyway... later Cindy asks me why I was up so long and down and stuff... I had been dying for this... I wanted someone to ask and care so much.... I was DYING for it.... and I start in on it and no more than 2 sentences later my freaking dad has to butt in with some stupid joke because talking to Cindy is more important than his own son... well, anyway, there I am left all alone... that blew that... no more release..... I went out... got in my car and drove home with tears in my eyes... walked in the house with tears in my eyes.... mom asked me how I bowled and I started crying even harder and said to leave me alone.... I came down here and here I am... still crying..... and i'll be crying for a while longer.... This isnt fair that I have to live with this... and I'm ruining other people's lives too.... destroying people..... I have no stable friendships..... I have nothing.... I have absolutely nothing.... well, I have my fish.... and the next person that says im crazy for having so many fish I think im just gonna hit.... thats all the friends I got dangit.... No one realizes how hard this is on me... and the worst part is.... no one wants to... they want me to instantly fix my brain.... but it cant be done. This hurts so bad.... so much pain.... I just want out of it... I really do... its bad.... It's real bad!
Finger Eleven
One thing
by Unknown
Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
One thing
by Unknown
Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something
Its 6am and I havent gone to bed... this is not cool.... I have no choice but to pull a red eye. Ive been in a high swing all night.... just had to keep doing something. I forgot to take a dose of my medicine today so maybe thats why.... it does kinda suck but im sure ill be ok. My therapist is gonna love seeing me write 0 hours for sleep for tonight... or last night... or whatever it is... but hey, at least im not lying. It really isnt that big of a deal... just kinda sucks.
I also have hated this wondering whats up with Tiff right now. I have not heard from her since I talked to her on the phone friday night. I am trying so hard not to just start in with the Jim thing but I cant help it. Chances are she's somewhere with him or at least was.... and thats... argh... ill stop now... I just wish I'd hear from her.... I thought things were getting better....
Well, I guess im gonna get my shower and head to work... someone should be there by now.... I can catch up on some paperwork and stuff before we open. Have a good day everyone.
I also have hated this wondering whats up with Tiff right now. I have not heard from her since I talked to her on the phone friday night. I am trying so hard not to just start in with the Jim thing but I cant help it. Chances are she's somewhere with him or at least was.... and thats... argh... ill stop now... I just wish I'd hear from her.... I thought things were getting better....
Well, I guess im gonna get my shower and head to work... someone should be there by now.... I can catch up on some paperwork and stuff before we open. Have a good day everyone.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Bob's School of Driving - Lesson 1:
When you move into the left lane in order to pass the vehicle in front of you, this is your acknowledgement that that vehicle is driving slow that you want to. Remember through the entire process that slowing to that vehicle's speed reduces the effectiveness of this maneuver.
When you move into the left lane in order to pass the vehicle in front of you, this is your acknowledgement that that vehicle is driving slow that you want to. Remember through the entire process that slowing to that vehicle's speed reduces the effectiveness of this maneuver.
Yesterday was a really good day... even though I was mostly fixing computers, I really enjoyed it... plus, I got to have Chicken Caesar Labretti from Bentley hall... yes, I wanted to go back to LHU dinning hall.... but if you ever had one of those, you'd understand :)
Lori... well, yea... I had so many problems with her network that I wanted to scream... first the access point I bought for her doesnt work right so after fighting with that, its going back for RMA.... then I couldnt get the internet to work at all... I worked for hours and then figured out that Lori gave me the wrong username and password..... grrr.... but it wasnt all her fault... Verizon apparently authenticates ANY username and password and doesnt return a failure, it just doesnt let you get to the net.... why cant companies just stick with standards?
I got to see Nicole last night too.... I went over to her appartment for a while... I hadnt seen her in over 2 years I think.
And, nope, didnt see Tiff. Worse yet, she hasnt been online since I left yesterday afternoon.... which... well, jim's probably staying over night or something.... I was calm... well, Im gonna shut up... this is gonna do me no good.... I just wish I could have at least talked to her last night.... I know im not that important in her life.... maybe thats another thing I just have to accept?
Either way, yesterday was good. When I woke up this morning my fish were here for the new tank... 9 more Neon Tetras, 3 ghost shrimp and 2 snails. I put them all in and all of the tetras swam under the heater for a while... it was pretty funny... they are starting to be more active now... it may take a day.
I didnt get to go to church today.... I had scheduled some system changes on one of our client's networks today but we got about 20 mins into and realized it would be better to change those settings with me being local instead of remote so Wed it is.
Im gonna go for now.... maybe find something to eat. *shrug*
Lori... well, yea... I had so many problems with her network that I wanted to scream... first the access point I bought for her doesnt work right so after fighting with that, its going back for RMA.... then I couldnt get the internet to work at all... I worked for hours and then figured out that Lori gave me the wrong username and password..... grrr.... but it wasnt all her fault... Verizon apparently authenticates ANY username and password and doesnt return a failure, it just doesnt let you get to the net.... why cant companies just stick with standards?
I got to see Nicole last night too.... I went over to her appartment for a while... I hadnt seen her in over 2 years I think.
And, nope, didnt see Tiff. Worse yet, she hasnt been online since I left yesterday afternoon.... which... well, jim's probably staying over night or something.... I was calm... well, Im gonna shut up... this is gonna do me no good.... I just wish I could have at least talked to her last night.... I know im not that important in her life.... maybe thats another thing I just have to accept?
Either way, yesterday was good. When I woke up this morning my fish were here for the new tank... 9 more Neon Tetras, 3 ghost shrimp and 2 snails. I put them all in and all of the tetras swam under the heater for a while... it was pretty funny... they are starting to be more active now... it may take a day.
I didnt get to go to church today.... I had scheduled some system changes on one of our client's networks today but we got about 20 mins into and realized it would be better to change those settings with me being local instead of remote so Wed it is.
Im gonna go for now.... maybe find something to eat. *shrug*
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Well im up at lock haven... waiting for a computer to do something..... Lori's system is acting weird... her whole network actually.
I was kinda excited.... I was actually gonna take Tiff to go get her fish tonight because, well, I love fish and she needs fish... figured id take her after the game... then I remember that means that her parents and Jim (of course) is gonna be here so Im not even going to attempt it. *sigh*
At least im not at home.... its nice to have a change.
I was kinda excited.... I was actually gonna take Tiff to go get her fish tonight because, well, I love fish and she needs fish... figured id take her after the game... then I remember that means that her parents and Jim (of course) is gonna be here so Im not even going to attempt it. *sigh*
At least im not at home.... its nice to have a change.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Its funny how you can fight so very hard to keep yourself from doing what you need to do because it would be so hard to do..... you spend the energy fighting that and not only is that hard, but the situation ends up the way its meant to be anyway and since you didnt face it then, you now face it now.... it not only has gotten harder but you have lost many things as a result of your actions... because you were selfish and wanted to make things easy on you. It always comes back to bite you.... and when it does, it doesnt just stop at a nibble.
Youth recovering - PittsburghLIVE.com
You know... I lived this story... I was there waiting for updates constantly as my cousin was "dying" .... and here it is more than 2 weeks later and we find this link and I sit here now with literal tears in my eyes..... It was said to me once that if God can save a young boy who got kicked in the head, he sure as heck can help you, Bob. Jesse truly is an inspiration to me.... at a time when I was starting to question my own Creator, He decided to save someone very close to me. I was at his house tonight helping my aunt with her computer. It is amazing how well Jesse is doing.... the more I write this, the more I cry... but I know God is going to do something with this whole family. We have been hurting so bad... Jesse and his accident, me and my problems.... and so many others that I dont write about in this blog. Its been a long time since I actually cried real tears.... it feels really good... especially when you think about what God did for my cousin.
You know... I lived this story... I was there waiting for updates constantly as my cousin was "dying" .... and here it is more than 2 weeks later and we find this link and I sit here now with literal tears in my eyes..... It was said to me once that if God can save a young boy who got kicked in the head, he sure as heck can help you, Bob. Jesse truly is an inspiration to me.... at a time when I was starting to question my own Creator, He decided to save someone very close to me. I was at his house tonight helping my aunt with her computer. It is amazing how well Jesse is doing.... the more I write this, the more I cry... but I know God is going to do something with this whole family. We have been hurting so bad... Jesse and his accident, me and my problems.... and so many others that I dont write about in this blog. Its been a long time since I actually cried real tears.... it feels really good... especially when you think about what God did for my cousin.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
I just got done with a conversation with Tiff..... it was a short one... but I didnt lose it which is really good and makes me happy. I was able to talk to her, but I guess I still see her as a lier.... That'll take time im sure... if it happens at all.... I'm just happy I was able to talk to her.... maybe I'm making progress?
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
I hate people!
First, let me remind you that I have been rear ended in my car as well as someone did a hit and run and hit me in the parking lot at the data center scratching up my brand new bumper that I got from when the guy rear ended me..... now, i have had this car three months and someone else decides to be an idiot! I'm coming up E. Pittsburgh St. towards greensburg in the turning lane to go through the arch towards sheetz.... someone to my left decides that he needs two lanes for his POS van..... he moves into my lane and leaves me no choice but to swerve right hitting the curb and destroying my hubcap..... and of course the asshole keeps driving away like nothing happened... all happened too quick to get any information not to mention its not worth it ... but soon you'll see me driving around with a set of wal-mart hubcaps. Freaking people... ive had the car 3 months and so far i have had three incidents.... if you make a mistake, own up to it! If I ever find the person that hit me in VA or that guy tonight.... ARGH! People suck...
oh, yea... today... I had a question for Tiff, so I sent her an IM.... didnt respond..... shes not idle... remained not idle for the next half hour.... I left.... I came back... still not idle... all of a sudden, she answers my questions and logs off IMMEDIATELY! Is this how you hang up on people on IM? Maybe? She likes hanging up on me.... gosh that makes me mad.... didnt even give me a chance to say anything.... im trying to be calmer and talk to her..... I wanted to try.... I need to try... but she does that... wtf!
The majority of my day has consisted of computers...... I am surrounded by ones not working.... I was on the clock for a while for computer connections... that took me by surprise.... I was in Greensburg and Matt had an issue so I stopped in to help... next thing I know I get handed 3 other issues.... eventually I got home and clocked in for eicomm.... mainly troubleshooting this server.... I started with a memory test and it passed.... we've pretty much thought that its hard drive related so I didnt put much effort. My very next step was to try a new cable since the mainboard was not seeing any drives and the raid controller was reporting 2 drives as failing.... I clocked out from eicomm with the intent of coming back and clocking back in once I had the cable.... before I left I decided to start a advanced memory test.... well, I came back and something crashed the memory test.... that of course cant be drive related.... so I didnt clock back in but just started running more memory tests.... it is for eicomm but there is so little interaction that im not gonna bother clocking back in.....
And then, computer connection's server has to act up.... of course.... nothing major its just doing some weird things with rhn updates.... I actually think its a problem with RHN but I dont know.... getting very frustrating tho.....
I think its soon time for bed... ive had enough for today... the car thing and the tiff thing topped it off tho..... Knowing me tho, i'll be up for a while... *sigh*
First, let me remind you that I have been rear ended in my car as well as someone did a hit and run and hit me in the parking lot at the data center scratching up my brand new bumper that I got from when the guy rear ended me..... now, i have had this car three months and someone else decides to be an idiot! I'm coming up E. Pittsburgh St. towards greensburg in the turning lane to go through the arch towards sheetz.... someone to my left decides that he needs two lanes for his POS van..... he moves into my lane and leaves me no choice but to swerve right hitting the curb and destroying my hubcap..... and of course the asshole keeps driving away like nothing happened... all happened too quick to get any information not to mention its not worth it ... but soon you'll see me driving around with a set of wal-mart hubcaps. Freaking people... ive had the car 3 months and so far i have had three incidents.... if you make a mistake, own up to it! If I ever find the person that hit me in VA or that guy tonight.... ARGH! People suck...
oh, yea... today... I had a question for Tiff, so I sent her an IM.... didnt respond..... shes not idle... remained not idle for the next half hour.... I left.... I came back... still not idle... all of a sudden, she answers my questions and logs off IMMEDIATELY! Is this how you hang up on people on IM? Maybe? She likes hanging up on me.... gosh that makes me mad.... didnt even give me a chance to say anything.... im trying to be calmer and talk to her..... I wanted to try.... I need to try... but she does that... wtf!
The majority of my day has consisted of computers...... I am surrounded by ones not working.... I was on the clock for a while for computer connections... that took me by surprise.... I was in Greensburg and Matt had an issue so I stopped in to help... next thing I know I get handed 3 other issues.... eventually I got home and clocked in for eicomm.... mainly troubleshooting this server.... I started with a memory test and it passed.... we've pretty much thought that its hard drive related so I didnt put much effort. My very next step was to try a new cable since the mainboard was not seeing any drives and the raid controller was reporting 2 drives as failing.... I clocked out from eicomm with the intent of coming back and clocking back in once I had the cable.... before I left I decided to start a advanced memory test.... well, I came back and something crashed the memory test.... that of course cant be drive related.... so I didnt clock back in but just started running more memory tests.... it is for eicomm but there is so little interaction that im not gonna bother clocking back in.....
And then, computer connection's server has to act up.... of course.... nothing major its just doing some weird things with rhn updates.... I actually think its a problem with RHN but I dont know.... getting very frustrating tho.....
I think its soon time for bed... ive had enough for today... the car thing and the tiff thing topped it off tho..... Knowing me tho, i'll be up for a while... *sigh*
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
That's what I need. Truth is I love tiff very much and because I love her and she doesn't love me.... Well that brings pain. And so far today in my therapy I have learned that the difference between having suffering and becoming stronger and suffering and being destroyed is being able to accept the pain. There are various things that I can't accept right now with tiff. I can't accept that she doesn't love me or care about me. I can't accept that she does not want to be with me anymore. I can't accept that she ever did lie to me even tho there is proof she did. I can't accept that if her and I don't get back together now that we will never talk again. Above all... I can't accept that she is the primary source of my pain.
Ok... Most of you were praying that would one day see that but remember... I have NOT accepted any of those.... Hopefully I will learn shortly how.... But my real wish is that I don't have to.
And btw.... The first I told you so that I get I am making an appt for you to sit in this class with me. If you so much as suggest it.... I will no longer consider you a friend. You are the people that are making this process 10 times worse. When it comes to this stuff mixed with my brain chemistry.... I don't want to talk to you without a phd.... This is not easy stuff for me to do. Its not as easy as it is with most. I have my things to accept... All I ask is you accept my illness.
Tanya and Eli almost got a frog tonight.... and they have no clue.
I bought an African Dwarf Frog for my one aquarium tonight. Just a couple hours ago I went to check on him.... and yea... well, he was not there. I spent about an hour searching... finally woke my dad and as he was getting ready to come down, I found him. He is still alive.... and there is now a nice addition of cardboard to my tank's hood..... but I literally got a zip lock container and had the frog in the container ready to go to Tanya's since her tank is completely covered and there is no way this frog could escape.... but then I saw him in that little container and I just couldnt do it... so I spent the last hour finding a way to prevent this from happening again. I lowered the water level a bit so that it would be more of a jump for him and then I also put cardboard on top of the areas I thought he could escape. There still is an area for the return of my external filter but im thinking with the flow of water, he wouldnt try to escape there anyway.
I also set another 2 gallon tank up tonight as well. I have 3 tiger barbs and a snail in that one.... that tank is extra special cool but I cant tell anyone about it until Eli comes over to help me finish it :)
Ok... goodnight... I needed to be in bed about 3 hours ago.
I bought an African Dwarf Frog for my one aquarium tonight. Just a couple hours ago I went to check on him.... and yea... well, he was not there. I spent about an hour searching... finally woke my dad and as he was getting ready to come down, I found him. He is still alive.... and there is now a nice addition of cardboard to my tank's hood..... but I literally got a zip lock container and had the frog in the container ready to go to Tanya's since her tank is completely covered and there is no way this frog could escape.... but then I saw him in that little container and I just couldnt do it... so I spent the last hour finding a way to prevent this from happening again. I lowered the water level a bit so that it would be more of a jump for him and then I also put cardboard on top of the areas I thought he could escape. There still is an area for the return of my external filter but im thinking with the flow of water, he wouldnt try to escape there anyway.
I also set another 2 gallon tank up tonight as well. I have 3 tiger barbs and a snail in that one.... that tank is extra special cool but I cant tell anyone about it until Eli comes over to help me finish it :)
Ok... goodnight... I needed to be in bed about 3 hours ago.
Monday, September 06, 2004
Sunday, September 05, 2004
I want my life to end. I have no friends.... The ones that call me friend are really only setting me up or using me. I've had it... Someone just shoot me... Someone who "cares" about me.
Oh and maybe me breaking up with tanya was my choice... No matter that I didn't want it... I did it for tanya and eli and I remained in their lives like I promised and I was never against getting back with tanya. No matter that on friday I chose to start working on that.... But now my mind has to rethink it.
When I accept that no one cares I will be better off.
"I never should have left Jim"
"I never should have left Tim"
At least there was the decency to change one letter, right?
I cant sit around my house... im going into work later. After I told all my therapists and doctors that there is ONE person that I could trust and that really cared about..... that person decides to make it known how she really feels today....
So, yea, I got no one......
"I never should have left Tim"
At least there was the decency to change one letter, right?
I cant sit around my house... im going into work later. After I told all my therapists and doctors that there is ONE person that I could trust and that really cared about..... that person decides to make it known how she really feels today....
So, yea, I got no one......
Ive been told multiple times by a couple friends that I need to forget about ALL the girls that I know and look for someone completely different. There was one I never wanted to let go of until today (and I am NOT talking about Tiff). But, things always have to get worse in my life... I cant rely on anything being stable. I've been reminded of how bad I hurt someone... someone that I thought forgave me but I guess didnt.
It always happens.... just as I really seriously start believing someone cares about me, that person decides they would have been better off if they never met me. I guess I really am I mental paitient for good reason.... im so screwed up in the head no one can continue to care for me...
This is my life... and I'll again learn to live with it.
It always happens.... just as I really seriously start believing someone cares about me, that person decides they would have been better off if they never met me. I guess I really am I mental paitient for good reason.... im so screwed up in the head no one can continue to care for me...
This is my life... and I'll again learn to live with it.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
There are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me
Wondering what I think of you and I protect you out of courtesy
Too many times that I’ve held on what I needed to push away
Afraid to say what was on my mind afraid to say what I need to say
Too many things that you said about me when I’m not around
You think having the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down
But I’ve had too many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand
So I’m waiting until the upper hand is mine
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not watch you drop
(Making your heart stop)
Just before you hit the floor
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not missed a shot
(Making you're heart stop)
You think you've won
(And then it's all gone)
So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies
So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside
So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long
All I know is that all I want is to feel like I’m not stepped on
There are so many things you say that make me feel you crossed the line
What goes up will surely fall and I’m counting down the time
Cause I’ve had so many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand
So I’m waiting until the upper hand is mine
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not watch you drop
(Making your heart stop)
Just before you hit the floor
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not missed a shot
(Making you're heart stop)
You think you've won
(And then it's all gone)
(And then he’s all gone)
(And then it's all gone)
(And then he’s all gone)
(Now it’s all gone)
I know I’ll never trust a single thing you say
You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway
And all the lies have got you floating up above us all
But what goes up has got to fall
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not watch you drop
(Making your heart stop)
Just before you hit the floor
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not missed a shot
(Making you're heart stop)
You think you've won
(And then it's all gone)
(And then he’s all gone)
(And then it's all gone)
(And then he’s all gone)
(Now it’s all gone)
-- Linkin Park "Hit the Floor"
Wondering what I think of you and I protect you out of courtesy
Too many times that I’ve held on what I needed to push away
Afraid to say what was on my mind afraid to say what I need to say
Too many things that you said about me when I’m not around
You think having the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down
But I’ve had too many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand
So I’m waiting until the upper hand is mine
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not watch you drop
(Making your heart stop)
Just before you hit the floor
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not missed a shot
(Making you're heart stop)
You think you've won
(And then it's all gone)
So many people like me put so much trust in all your lies
So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside
So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long
All I know is that all I want is to feel like I’m not stepped on
There are so many things you say that make me feel you crossed the line
What goes up will surely fall and I’m counting down the time
Cause I’ve had so many standoffs with you it’s about as much as I can stand
So I’m waiting until the upper hand is mine
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not watch you drop
(Making your heart stop)
Just before you hit the floor
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not missed a shot
(Making you're heart stop)
You think you've won
(And then it's all gone)
(And then he’s all gone)
(And then it's all gone)
(And then he’s all gone)
(Now it’s all gone)
I know I’ll never trust a single thing you say
You knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway
And all the lies have got you floating up above us all
But what goes up has got to fall
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not watch you drop
(Making your heart stop)
Just before you hit the floor
(One minute you're on top)
Next you're not missed a shot
(Making you're heart stop)
You think you've won
(And then it's all gone)
(And then he’s all gone)
(And then it's all gone)
(And then he’s all gone)
(Now it’s all gone)
-- Linkin Park "Hit the Floor"
Friday, September 03, 2004
Today something occured to me.... I need to go back to college. So many cute girls running around (the clinic is actually on University of Pittsburgh's campus). Then I saw 2 girls jogging with grey tennis shoes and sports bras on.. ok so anyone who knows me knows thats 2 of the 3 (baseball caps, sports bras, tennis shoes).... But then again, the last time I went to college and ended up finding a very cute girl, she really screwed up my mind... so I guess its better that im not in college. (And btw, this is not you, jo! :))
Pittsburgh sucks! 40 mins to get out of Oakland... it was nuts... they dont have any signs to tell you where your going and then the people who drive there all the time are pricks..... no help at all... stupid people....
My schedule will now include being in Oakland from 1pm-4pm on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I think this program will really help me... I just hope I get to see a psychiatrist soon... I need medicine issues taken care of. I will not be going to VA this week but will be working for EIComm from home (so at least I wont lose those hours). I will then resume going to VA on wed and fri the following week. The thing thats gonna hurt is I will only be able to work at Computer Connections from 9am-12pm mon, tues, and thursday. This is a big cut in hours. God will take care of me im sure.
Pittsburgh sucks! 40 mins to get out of Oakland... it was nuts... they dont have any signs to tell you where your going and then the people who drive there all the time are pricks..... no help at all... stupid people....
My schedule will now include being in Oakland from 1pm-4pm on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I think this program will really help me... I just hope I get to see a psychiatrist soon... I need medicine issues taken care of. I will not be going to VA this week but will be working for EIComm from home (so at least I wont lose those hours). I will then resume going to VA on wed and fri the following week. The thing thats gonna hurt is I will only be able to work at Computer Connections from 9am-12pm mon, tues, and thursday. This is a big cut in hours. God will take care of me im sure.
UPMC Western Psychiatric was the hospital.... tonight was the night.
It was destined to happen I guess.... I'm so much of a psychotic wreck that I was gonna end up in the ER. I was very close to being admitted but they said that I showed signs of sanity even within my episodes so they let me enter an intensive outpaitient program.... I have to be in Pittsburgh every day for a while... well, every business day for counseling, workshops, psyciatric help, etc..... this will last 1-3 weeks and also means Im going to be freaking broke. I cant go to VA because of this so I lose those hours... plus this will take HUGE chunks out of my computer connections pay.... so just about the time I get one frustration taken care of, I'll be broke again. I really do hate my life.
I'm such a wreck. My life has been destroyed and so often I feel like no one cares.... Why people treat me like shit is beyond me.... I hate it.... and I think some people... one in paticular just thinks its funny when im worked up.... I wonder if I did actually kill myself if it would be funny... im sure it would....
Im getting too worked up again.... im gonna go cry myself to sleep in a little bit... it seems to be what I do best. A serious thanks to those who have been praying for me... a sarcastic thanks to all of those people who screwed my life up.
It was destined to happen I guess.... I'm so much of a psychotic wreck that I was gonna end up in the ER. I was very close to being admitted but they said that I showed signs of sanity even within my episodes so they let me enter an intensive outpaitient program.... I have to be in Pittsburgh every day for a while... well, every business day for counseling, workshops, psyciatric help, etc..... this will last 1-3 weeks and also means Im going to be freaking broke. I cant go to VA because of this so I lose those hours... plus this will take HUGE chunks out of my computer connections pay.... so just about the time I get one frustration taken care of, I'll be broke again. I really do hate my life.
I'm such a wreck. My life has been destroyed and so often I feel like no one cares.... Why people treat me like shit is beyond me.... I hate it.... and I think some people... one in paticular just thinks its funny when im worked up.... I wonder if I did actually kill myself if it would be funny... im sure it would....
Im getting too worked up again.... im gonna go cry myself to sleep in a little bit... it seems to be what I do best. A serious thanks to those who have been praying for me... a sarcastic thanks to all of those people who screwed my life up.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
yaknow... about half way through PA I started getting really happy for some unknown reason..... I just was REALLY happy.... like almost hyper. I was glad for that.... then I got home.... which I was happy when I pulled in because I was FINALLY home.... turned on my monitor.... had a message from Jim that something else isnt work... had a message from jason that I screwed something else up today and scared alot of customers and Tiff's away message is that she finally did cry on this special day.... didnt want to hear that.... a half hour before the day officially ended I sent her an email with a code in it.... and she cried at that time. I guess I can only blame myself.....
So yea, I'm down again.... its so incredibly bed time.... guess I'll cry myself to sleep again... why do I have to be such a screw up?
So yea, I'm down again.... its so incredibly bed time.... guess I'll cry myself to sleep again... why do I have to be such a screw up?
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
About 5 mins ago my mom called me in a crying style voice asking if I had any meds in my room to help her tooth... No I didn't but I wanted to just scream and yell about the scenario... I didnt... She is my mom. My head started hurting.... Chest started hurting... Yup... Panic attack.
As I was leaving va I got stuck behind a truck driving 30 mph. I got so angry. I just started wanting to punch things. That sorta thing has always upset me but this was different. This was real anger.... Headache was there too.
I have some serious issues and I don't want to go through them. I am about to become a psych paitient and I hate it... Because I know the truth now. I am psychotic. Whether it was someone who put me there or not.... I'm just psychotic.
And btw... I don't want anymore bad news.... None. I have been there for people my whole life and have never expected anything in return.... I can't do it anymore. I don't care what pain your in... I don't care who called you a name.... I don't care if your cat died.... I just can't take it anymore..... I can't even directly talk to some one about MY problems because ill know they'll have their solution to tell me which will differ from the other hundred I've been told.
in short.... Just shut up and let me suffer by myself. I am doing just fine suffering... I don't need anyone else to create more.
God I need help.
It was really great to hang out and relax with someone. It was really cool to see Diana again too.
Things are still very hectic in my mind. I'm getting a little more used to the fact that I have to go to Western Psych next week. My appt is on the 7th so I got about a week. Still a little nervous tho. This is all new to me.... I just wish other people would quit having solutions for me. Unless you have some kind of a degree AND you care about me I dont want to hear it. I have people that care, and I have people that have a degree.... Dr. Gaul is the only person that has both.... thats why I trust him.... and I will trust him on this decission to send me to Western Psych. This is definately a better place than Westmoreland's Comprehensive Counseling Center that I was in right after Christmas. We shouldnt see me being admitted this time.... but God only knows.
Well, even tho its 2am, I just got my shower and I am leaving for VA. I can not sleep worth a darn. My plan is start driving now... if I get 2 hours into the drive and get tired, i pull over and sleep. Either way, id rather cut the time im driving tired down as much as I can.
Things are still very hectic in my mind. I'm getting a little more used to the fact that I have to go to Western Psych next week. My appt is on the 7th so I got about a week. Still a little nervous tho. This is all new to me.... I just wish other people would quit having solutions for me. Unless you have some kind of a degree AND you care about me I dont want to hear it. I have people that care, and I have people that have a degree.... Dr. Gaul is the only person that has both.... thats why I trust him.... and I will trust him on this decission to send me to Western Psych. This is definately a better place than Westmoreland's Comprehensive Counseling Center that I was in right after Christmas. We shouldnt see me being admitted this time.... but God only knows.
Well, even tho its 2am, I just got my shower and I am leaving for VA. I can not sleep worth a darn. My plan is start driving now... if I get 2 hours into the drive and get tired, i pull over and sleep. Either way, id rather cut the time im driving tired down as much as I can.
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