Wednesday, April 12, 2006

This weekend someone actually told me I was hot.... and I honestly didnt know how to respond to it. The more I thought about it, that was absolutely the first time that anyone told me that I was hot.... And I can count on my fingers the number of times someone told me I was cute (well, coming from a girl my age - not counting grandparents and such). Added to that, I have never been just randomly told that I was cute or attractive or anything.... the only times that I had been told that was when it was prompted by something... Such as me telling someone that they were cute, etc.... It's really been hard for me with all of this recently... friends seemingly dissappearing out of my life.... the lonliness is creeping back and its happening at the same time that I'm, again, lacking things to do.... and not so much things to do, but people to do them with. I really have to be around people.... but the problem is, it seems no one wants to be around me -- unless they need something. When someone has a computer problem or question, they are my friend.... they go out of their way to get in contact with me... but if its hanging out with me or whatever, there is always an excuse. I often have to wonder what it is about me.... I'm apparently not an attractive person.... I mean, its not that big of a deal... God made me who I am and I'm proud of who I am.... but what is it about me that makes me this lonely person that no one really wants to be around? The worst part is I know I'll get responses to this post.... people will say they love being around me.... they think im cute, etc, etc.... but it wont be from the heart. If you like being around me, stop telling me it and actually be around me.... I really enjoy serving people.... I enjoy helping people more than anyone can imagine... So many times, I go out of my way and sacrifice something that I wanted to do in order to help someone.... this is fine with me... it was my decission.... but it is hard when the slightest little thing is more important than me. I'm not expecting to be anyone's top priority... I'm not even expecting to be high on the list... I just wish I was on the list.

I dont think anyone noticed but last night as I was sitting in life group, my eyes just filled up with tears. It was the first time that I was on the verge of crying... and I dont know what prompted it while I was there but I was just feeling so alone.... I kept thinking of all the people that just turn their backs on me and dissappeared.... Why? What did I do so wrong? After I dropped Robin off last night and was on my way back to the data center, my eyes filled up with tears again. I dont understand why people cant be honest with me.... You dont have to tell me I'm attractive because there is apparently only a few people that would ever think that.... and I havent met any such person... at least not face to face. Dont tell me I'm attractive if you dont think so... but dont try to humor me... just flat out tell me. Be honest.... Maybe I'm not attractive but there isnt anything I can do about it... and maybe someday I'll find a girl that will look more towards my insides than my outside appearance. But then again, am I any better internally? If I was a great person internally, that should mean I would have more friends that want to be around me, right? I just dont understand it.... And this is really painful for me.... it has been for a while....

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