I dont want to be me anymore.... I mean, I know why I am this person... I know what I can accomplish being this way... but it's killing me. I'm not satisfied with the status quo... I always believe there is something better and I always fight towards that... but there are so many people around me that just want to be satisfied with whats out there... whats easiest. And of course, I'm such a backwards person... I'm very different... Apparently I'm hard to deal with because my ideas are so different...

I'm different... while there is alot of things I'm happy about being different, there are some really big things that I cant stand any more. I can't stand being alone... I'm always alone... if I'm working on a new project... or I'm relaxing.... or, well, whatever.... I'm alone.... always. And I can't take it. I have people that are "friends" to me... but the more I think about it, they are only friends when they need something. They arent friends because they like being around me.... They are either my friends because they feel like "its the right thing to do" or because I have something to offer them. I go through alot of hard times... I deal with alot... and its not that I'm complaining about that... the hard times I go through only shape me into who I am and I wouldnt change those for the world.... what I was is someone that can put a little faith in me... someone that can give me even just a little bit of time to spend with me....

Today was a unique scenario at church. So many times I hear the message and it just really tugs on my heart strings about something that I need to change. Today was the first time that I ever felt as though it was doing just the opposite. Tim was saying about investing time into people and spending time with them... not just because you feel like it but because you care and you know that there is alot to offer both ways in a friendship.... Honestly, it really hurt.... I cant tell you the last time I hung out with my friends from church.... It's getting so bad that I dont even care anymore... I'm crawling back into my shell... I'm back to going to see movies by myself and back to being alone again. It's not where I want to be because I love being around people... but I'm just not someone that people want to invest time into... the only thing people have for me is accusations of why I'm doing something wrong... Bottom line is, I like who I am.... what I want is someone who can love me for who I am and not think it's a game to try to change me and make me who they think I need to be. Just because I'm not like you doesnt mean I'm not happy with who I am... I think differently... I like it that way... What I dont like is the fact that no one can love me for who I am.

As much as I like being different, I'm tired of it... Because I'll never have those friendships that I desire so badly... and I'll probably never find that girl that will spend her life with me. These are things that I desire more than almost anything in the world... I've tried to reach out to so many people but its all fallen on deaf ears. I need relationships... I need friends... I need someone to love me for who I am and maybe make a sacrifice to spend a little time with me.... I know I'm nothing exciting... but these are the things I can dream of, right?