Friday, April 28, 2006

So many thoughts going through my mind right now...... But its been a good day so far.

It started out with getting some news that I didnt know how to take at first but I realized that the situation was only going to show me some things about myself. Basically, New Life had decided to not go with my suggestion of converting to Macintosh... which honestly isnt an issue. And I'd never fault anyone for making a decission.... but I had a long conversation with someone at the church and it really pointed out alot of things to me.

It's never been a secret that I'm in VA because God wants me here.... the thing that happened to get me here were amazing... and maybe there are alot of times that I question what the purpose is.... but the comfort is in knowing that there is a purpose. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm an untapped resource... I'm here for a purpose and I'm going to accomplish that purpose no matter what it is or what it takes. I've faced alot of opposition in my life and I still do. Its about perserverance.... and I know some people read my blog and go "oh wow, this guy is down alot and is a complete wreck" but what people dont understand is that each person feels the same way but its just that I make it known because I'm an open and real person... that is who I want to be. But the thing is, I always do spring back and perservere and get the job done.... its tough.... Its gotta be tough if you want to make an impact. The things I really started realizing tho are that I have experienced so much because I need to have a better understanding than most of what works and what doesnt work.... That may sound odd but I have seen so many situations in tech that can help me make decissions.... most people dont need that experience but I do. For me, its not all about doing the technical stuff but its also about less technical decissions that affect technical work... For instance, what companies do you deal with? Do you partner with this person to accomplish the goal or do you do it on your own? Do you go with commercial products or with open source projects? What fits best in the surroundings? These are questions that technicians dont ask... and typically dont need to ask.... but where I am in life, I need to do both.... I need to ask those questions and I need to do the tech work behind it... Maybe I am an untapped resource.... maybe I'm not supposed to be tapped yet? Whatever the case is, God is doing something and that is what is important.

Where I fit in may not be 100% decided yet but things are starting to look clearer. My Ransom Network idea is looking more accomplishable but yet its not the time for it.... but things are leading that way.... will it happen? I dont know.... But I do realize that I'm not called to bring people to Christ.... It's not my calling... My calling is to enable those people that are called to do that. I'm called to work behind the scenes making things possible for them.... that is my ministry.... How exactly I fit in to each scenario is yet to be determined.... but its a work in progress.... and I'm ok with that.

Another thing that hit me was how important it is to keep my background. Today I walked into the F building in the data center which is where Carptahia is.... I walked passed the Carpathia cages and saw what I guess was my replacements (yes, more than one person replaced me) working.... and I walked by and just thought "that was my desk" ... Thats where I was.... for a year of my life, my effort was put into a company that I was not supposed to be with past a few months ago. But working for Carpathia was crucial in what God is going to accomplish in my life. IF nothing else, it was Carpathia that brought me to Northern VA which is, without a doubt, where I am supposed to be (at least for now -- hopefully forever). As I was leaving the data center, I had a security guard say hi.... I'm not often in the F building so I dont get to see them often but I am really good friends with almost all of the guards. There was another guard that joked about how I am always going into another cage and they are always getting ticket to let me into this company's equipment or in that company's equipment... and this guard said that he is so happy when he sees my name pop up on a ticket.... The reason is almost because he was proud of me.... He said it to the effect that I am going somewhere and he is happy for me.... and you know what.... I'm happy for me too. I like where I am. In amongst all of this, I was pretty frustrated for a bit because working for MFC requires a good bit.... few people and lots of work.... Tho its not a "no" answer when I need something, it takes some time to get it ordered.... these are some frustrations.... but what job doenst have frustrations. I'm happier at MFC than I have ever been anywhere else (except maybe Disney). As I left the F building to head back to G I took the back road..... there are some remaining dirt roads in this area that are open and this was one of them.... I turned onto it and drove down it passing fields on either side and leaving a trail of dust behind me.... and I remembered who I am... I am a Pittsburgher.... I am a Christian.... A free spirit and someone who is going to accomplish great things through the power of God..... Lots of frustrations have been in my life.... Yaknow... I miss alot of things... I miss living in PA... I miss working at Export Moose Bowling Lanes, I miss working at Computer Connections... and Pizza Hut.... I miss Amber and Kendra and Tiff.... I do even miss working for Carpathia and working with the romanians.... All of the above things were things that brought me great pain in many ways.... but also had good memories.... and most of the above already show evidence of why it is that I had to go through that time... some don't yet.... but whats done is done and I am where I am now and I am going forward from here.... I can do some great things if people just put a little bit of faith in me. I used to have a little card hanging in my room years ago that said "One man can change the world: Jesus Did" .... And yaknow what... I can change the world.... with Jesus' help.... and He will use me.... and I am looking forward to that....

People read my blog daily.... some want to know whats going on in my life.... some want to pray for me specifically, some want to know how they can help... and there are a few that visit my blog to look for ways to attack me.... My blog has been used against me many times... from the time that I had a link posted by someone I used to work with on a popular site saying something to the effect that religion has screwed up my life..... Even in this post, I'm sure someone can find something to attack me on... but the important thing is that I am happy with who I am and Jesus promised that any weapon formed against me shall not prosper. So to those who are looking for ways to attack me... all I can say is bring it on. Sure, I dont want it... but I am who I am and I like who I am... I have issues... I have struggles... and sometimes people may think that I'm not happy.... the funniest thing of all is that people think they have hindered my ministry and that they have damaged me.... What they dont realize is that those people who are thinking that who were people that brought alot of stress in my life -- those people are the biggest help that I have ever had. Do whatever you want.... no matter how evil it is, you may not realize that its part of God's plan....

I stand in Him... I accomplish what I do in Him... And whatever it is that is required of me to accomplish what He wants me to accomplish, I will do. I'm not affraid to take on huge responsibilities... I'm not affraid of even 1/4 of what I used to be. I may not be making alot of money but I am making great contacts and I am accomplishing that which I want to.... There is alot more to life than money.... and I am happier now making less money than I could be than if I took those jobs that would have "got me far" according to the world's standards.

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