I've realized that many of the struggles I am going through is nothing more than internal struggles. I fight with myself.... with each fight, I make myself better.

Tonight, I want to see the movie "Stick It" ... Why? I dont know. I mean.... think about this... me going to see a gymnastics movie. Growing up I felt so robbed by gymnastics. It took everything away from me... the attention was always on my sisters while I went off to a bowling tournament with whoever would give me a ride. When it comes to gymnastics, you have to catch me at the right time, or at least did. I always bounced between liking and disliking it. I hated to go to gymnastics meets... well, ok, until puberty hit.... something about cute girls dancing around in very little clothing.... But that aside, there was a big part of me that was proud. Yaknow, as much as I hated gymnastics because I felt it stole alot away from me, I was always proud of my sisters. I dont think either of them know how I went to school after they had a big meet and bragged about them. Being able to say your sisters were national champions... it was cool... I was proud of them. I dont care if it was YMCA or if it was USGF or USAG or whatever they want to call themselves now... it didnt matter what they were a part of, it mattered that they gave it there all... and I always was proud of them.... even tho sometimes it did hurt. And I look back now and I see that maybe its true that the attention was on them and not on me but in looking back, I realize that that was just a part of making me of who I am today and a part of who I will be tomorrow. I dont want to look for recognition or praise.... and its something that I started getting used to while I was young. You might want to psycho analyze it and say that my parents didnt treat me right.... before you do, I want you to remember that there is always something greater at work. I was never shorted of love and I could never have asked for a better family. The lack of attention towards me wasnt because they failed in their job... it was because they were a part of God's plan of creating me who I am and who I will be. I am who I am because of my parents and my sisters, and my whole family.... And while you see posts on here about me not wanting to be me anymore because of some of the pain associated with it, dont think that that means I want to be any other person. If I could be someone else, who would I be? I mean, I could pick someone I look up to and respect like Fred Rogers or Walt Disney.... but should I think for any second of the day that they didnt have struggles? And if I wanted to be more like them, wouldnt that be accepting what was already done and just doing the expected?

You dont change the world by doing what has always been done. If you follow the "rules" then you'll never make an impact. If you roll over and play dead, the world stays the same. In 1962 prayer was removed from the public school system.... Some say it was because of a corrupt government and the lack of focus on the founding values of this nation.... the reality is that it was those who just followed the rules instead of standing up against them. There are so many Martin Luther King Jr's out there.... so many Rosa Parks.... so many Walt Disneys and Fred Rogers.... but they all played by the rules and never made a splash.... they passed on without changing the world because they just wanted to accept what always was. After all, its easier that way, isnt it?

If you havent seen the movie and dont want to know about it -- skip this paragraph. There was a total demonstration of someone not being satisfied with the status quo. The gymnasts in this movie not only stood up to what they believed was unfair but they formed a team to fight it. Girl after girl went up and scratched. Gymnasts from different teams chose who it was that one and who didnt. They let one gymnast compete and the rest scratched. In the beginning we dont realize how much pain was built up inside of Haley.... We dont realize what happened.... but she didnt realize that what happened to her and how unfairly she was treated was going to shake the gymnastics world. She didnt realize the lives she was going to touch.... and who would have thought that changing the world would come because you intentionally gave up -- or so it would seem. The thing is, inside of us, we can't give up... what we do on the outside is an act of something that is happening internally. If we dont feel right about something, we need to stand up against it. This is why people go on strike. I dont condone alot of the union strikes but there are times when "quitting" for a time is appropriate because we need to make a point. It's important, however, that internally we dont give up and we keep fighting. Because, really, if we decide to throw a game or go on strike, is that really giving up? I mean, you face so much more opposition that way.... and the reason is because you're standing against what is the status quo. What if the gymnasts in the movie had competed like normal? Sure, someone would be proud that their daughter won the national championships but those gymnasts would have gone home just like any other day.... and the next year, it would be the same... again and again.

We dont innovate or change the world by following what others tell us. We do it by leading.... Even if that means going alone. I dont want people to be proud of me because I make $100k ... I dont want them to be proud of me becuase of a certain profession or a certain sport. I want people to be proud of me because of who I am internally. I want to be a person that someone who really gets to know me is the one that is proud of me... If you dont know me, you have no reason to be proud of me. It's not about what happens to me externally but about what happens on the inside. I've got a lot of work to do before I'm even someone inside that someone could be proud of... but I'm doing my best and I'll make an impact wherever God gives me the power to. It's not about me and anyone else... it's about me and God. If someone sees that I'm doing something right, I dont want them to be saying "good job" ... I want them to drop what they are doing and join me in what I am doing. We choose what we do with our lives but if we admire someone we can only immitate them... or we can join together with them. While there is the need for accountability and leadership, there is a need for innovation and breaking the rules.... Each one of us must do both.... Maybe we have a job that we must be accountable for. We are accountable to our boss while we do something else aside from that that someone else is accountable to us.... and it circles around. We are all accountable to someone.... and we all have a need to change the world. But, it's easier just to always follow.... Wake up, go through our day, go to sleep.... let's just get through this life and get it over with.... Thats the easy way.... OR ... how about making it interesting and shaking things up.

There is a lost and dying world out there..... They havent seen anything new or exciting and its because we havent shown them. If we stick to the norms, then how to we expect them to walk out of theirs?