Monday, April 24, 2006

So I just was explaining to someone a little glimpse of me... and I wanted to share that with anyone who still reads my blog. So here it is:

04/24 [11:14] bblboy54: when I was 16 I was diagnosed with clinical depression
04/24 [11:14] bblboy54: looking back, we now know that was a mis-diagnosis
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: I had gone from being diagnost depressive to bipolar, to this, to that....
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: I was in a mental hospital twice (don't let that scare you ... it was mainly for monitoring.... not that I was a danger)
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: no one could figure out what the deal was with me
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: a little over a year ago, a psychiatrist and I finally figured out what the primary problem was
04/24 [11:15] bblboy54: and that was ADHD
04/24 [11:16] bblboy54: and it is very unique in my case..... in fact, he said that he never saw this scenario occur
04/24 [11:16] bblboy54: I had been having serious panic attacks
04/24 [11:16] bblboy54: quite a few times I had to go to the emergency room to get a shot to calm me down
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: the psychiatrist wsa afraid to put me on the ADHD medicine tho because it has a side effect of panic
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: but the screener came back with undisputable results that I was ADHD
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: so we decided to try it
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: and my panic went away
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: and we realized what was going on in my mind
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: I'm a VERY determined person
04/24 [11:17] bblboy54: I don't take anything laying down
04/24 [11:18] bblboy54: I have to get the job done and get it accomplished
04/24 [11:18] bblboy54: the problem is, my mind organically doesn't want to focus on something until the job is done
04/24 [11:18] bblboy54: and it creates "internal friction" which causes me to have a panic attack
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: additionally, I am a shy person.... but at the same time, all the psychological tests that I have taken point to me being VERY relationship driven
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: meaning I have to be around people.... I thrive when I'm around people
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: but I'm a really hard person to understand
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: and its hard for people to deal with me..... so I guess I end up pushing them away
04/24 [11:19] bblboy54: which throws me back into issues
04/24 [11:20] bblboy54: and the problem is, I'm so determined to save the friendship that I end up doing just the opposite
04/24 [11:20] bblboy54: and at the same time, I have internal friction.... part of me says "this is the time to shut up" and the other part of me says "you're not going to let this friend go"
04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: and even tho since I've been on the ADHD medicine I have been doing 400% better, every now and then I have nights like I had last night
04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: where everything just gets to me and I basically get tired of hearing everything
04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: I am the way that I am because God made me this way
04/24 [11:21] bblboy54: and there is a divine purpose for that
04/24 [11:22] bblboy54: and I know that the experiences that I have had have only led to, and will continue to lead to, helping others in similar situations
04/24 [11:22] bblboy54: but in those moments like last night, its hard for me to think clearly because I'm so overwhelemd by the crap that has been going on
04/24 [11:23] bblboy54: and when people try to do the logical thing of telling me that they care, the only thing that floods back is all of the people who tell me that all the time and then leave
04/24 [11:23] bblboy54: and I know its easy to say stuff you don't mean... it's harder to put those words into action
04/24 [11:24] bblboy54: and, to me, especially in those moments, its hard to believe what is said to me because there are no actions that follow what that person says
04/24 [11:24] bblboy54: But all of this helps me to develop a better understanding of many things in the future
04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: ways to relate to people.... ways to compare how I feel to how others feel.... and how I can help someone else
04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: But one thing that I know is true
04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: when I find that special girl that really can deal with the strangeness that is me, I know that girl loves me
04/24 [11:25] bblboy54: and I will find her.....
04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: its really hard to have so many people give up on me.... and that's not my imagination... people DO give up on me
04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: and I don't blame them because I am tough to deal with
04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: but I am who I am... and I'm glad that I am who I am
04/24 [11:26] bblboy54: and I'm glad because I know I kind of have a built in filter that people who truly don't care about me kind of just dissappear on their own :)
04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: while that hurts that they disappear, at least I know that those who stick by me truly are friends
04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: God has something planned for me
04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: something great.....
04/24 [11:27] bblboy54: and I don't know exactly what it is
04/24 [11:28] bblboy54: but I know its going to thrive on all of these struggles that I have had and probably will continue to have

... and a little about depression in general

04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: the thing is that people sort of stereo-type depressed people
04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: and im sure this is something that you have experienced
04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: for the normal human being, it's "hey, just snap out of it ... look at all the good that you have"
04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: they can not comprehend how a depressed person's brain is working
04/24 [11:35] bblboy54: have they experienced aspects of what I am feeling, sure....
04/24 [11:36] bblboy54: but do they know exactly how I am feeling..... no
04/24 [11:36] bblboy54: and one reason for this is that God created each one of us unique
04/24 [11:36] bblboy54: when someone tells me that they know how I feel, the truth is that they don't.....
04/24 [11:37] bblboy54: and even if it is coming from someone else that struggles with depression, its rare that its heart felt and its not taken the way it should be when I am depressed
04/24 [11:37] bblboy54: and it only frustrates the person telling it to me
04/24 [11:37] bblboy54: no one has the exact mix of feelings at the same time.... and that is something that everyone needs to understand.....
04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: when someone is depressed, they CAN'T fix the problem.... that's what they need to know first
04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: it's not possible.... the logical stuff will not work
04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: whats needed is a friend.... someone who will listen to
04/24 [11:38] bblboy54: quite honestly, the best words you can say to someone who is really depressed is "that sucks"
04/24 [11:39] bblboy54: or, at least for me, invite me to do something..... distract me from the problems.... don't convince me that they arent problems

... I also would like to say if anyone has not seen the movie "Prozac Nation" they really need to go rent it.... especially now that it is out on DVD. I think it's really important that people catch a glimpse of the mind of a depressed person and this movie shows it very well.

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