Sunday, February 19, 2006

There really is so much going through my head right now I dont even know how to begin to process it. I'm completely blown away by the selfishness that some people have. Granted, all of us (including myself), are selfish in some ways but its when that selfishness gets to the point that you dont even care what happens to someone else.... You dont care what they go through or what you even do to hurt them.

Right now, there are two things that are really hitting me hard related to this. The first is Carpathia, the second is Tiff.

Carpathia is a growing company with ALOT of potential.... yet, there is such a lack of the word "team".... Its never been about what is best for the company but what is best for each individual person. This excludes our Romania team who really would bend over backwards to help anyone out. If you join Carpathia's live support and talk with one of our Romanians, you will get a response. They will do whatever they can to make sure you are taken care of... The really do care about our customers and they dont care about how much they have to sacrifice to take care of the customer. But what I cant understand is how anyone who puts so much effort into working for the good of the company is largely downplayed. I'm in no way saying that I am a perfect employee.... who is? But I have done alot to cover for other people.... Responding to on-call scenarios when the person on call couldnt be found and talking with customers that did not receive timely responses. I have always valued the customers I dealt with beacuse I realize that they are ultimately who payed me. But how do we get to a point when the amount of backstabbing I receive grows to the point it has. The lack of care of what it is that *I* go through in the data center. Sure, I've made mistakes.... but so has everyone else. Why is it that I dont get any other chances. Why am I not allowed to learn from mistakes. How can people just totally not care or not even bother to look at whether I am helping the company or not. There is just something wrong about going home at least once a week in alot of pain beacuse of the physical work that was required by yourself and the stress brought on by covering mistakes and completely giving up your life to make sure that the customer is taken care of and then finding out that the ultimate result was you were going to be fired in the future. Why? I dont understand it. No bringing up any errors I've made or anything..... just start backstabbing me and painting a picture that I truly am a misserable employee while customer compliments come in day after day. I dont understand. I can't understand. Maybe this is why I'm not an ideal employee? Maybe I value people too much and the root of any business is ONLY money? Maybe I'm off base in my idea that taking care of the customer is what builds revenue in the long run? I value people.... is that where I went wrong? Did I work too hard and threaten others? I dont know if anyone could answer the question, but I know that many have speculations. It doesnt really matter now since I'm leaving but sometimes you can't help but wonder.

Then there is Tiff.... and I guess in my mind alot of the same stuff applies? I can sit here and say that I probably was the worst boyfriend in the world to Tiff.... and the more I realize things about me, the more I realize that no one will want me.... but I dont understand why it has always been about what *I* did wrong. I made huge huge mistakes, I'll agree.... but why is it that anytime I wanted to address something Tiff did that hurt me, the only response I ever received was a "well, yes but you (fill in the blank)".... Does anyone have any idea of how bad it hurts to realize that the first time you make an effort to block any disruptions so you can focus 100% on your girlfriend and your girlfriend gets up and completely ignores you to talk to her ex? Does anyone know how hard it is to be dating someone and you walk into her dorm room and only see a room filled with pictures and cards from her ex and eventually you get lucky enough to have one picture of you hanging in the corner? What about working extremely hard to get the best graduation gift you possible could imagine and only have it thrown back in your face and there be no appriciation at all? I could go on but there isnt a point.... But why did I continue to love and care about her when I should have just said forget it? Why did I push all of the pain aside that I experienced in all of these things.... I denied myself because I cared about someone so much.... and now here I am, completely crushed and destroyed again..... and the worst part is, I'm a horrible person to her. My mistakes were greater than any love she ever had for me.... I cant even get a response to emails or text messages.... I see her come on AIM all of the time and yet there is no desire to talk to me. Why? I was told time and time again that she loved me and she cared about me.... but what is it that I did that makes me deserve this? Right now, the only mistake that I can tell that I made was trusting her again and again.... Being willing to work through her mistakes and work towards making things better. Why did I do it.... it never did matter apparently..... and the only thing I can figure is the things that were said to me were nothing but lies. I know I'm a horrible person but am I really so horrible that I dont deserve another chance.

Why is it that I am not a person that anyone feels the are worth taking a risk on? I hear so many times that I have so much potential.... yet all of the people that say those words dont have the time of day for me... they won't "put their money where their mouth is" ... It's so easy to say "Your worth it" or "I love you" .... but when it comes to actually showing that and living according to what you say, its too much work. In this scenario, how is it that I am supposed to believe that I am loved and that I actually am a worthwhile person.

I've got issues in the way that I feel right now. I have issues with bitterness for the first tiem in my life. I know that I have ideas that I need to change. I know that I have made mistakes and I know there are things that I just simply dont understand. But why is it that people are always trying to focus on MY mistakes rather than what they may have done wrong for me to be hurting this badly?

Yes, I feel completely alone in this world and yes, alot of that is my fault. But why do people have the selfishness to constantly point out my errors and not look at what they may have done to lead to me feeling this way.

I'm sure at this point Tiff and Carpathia feel like they have succeded in making my life misserable.... and maybe that is true for this point in time.... but I will rise above this and I will march on knowing that I did all that I could. I will leave Carpathia with my head held high knowing that customers really appriciated what I did and knowing that I did everything I possibly could have to make things better for everyone. Someday I will look back at this scenario and laugh repeatedly.

I will rise above this.... but that doesnt stop the pain for now. Maybe Tiff, Carpathia, and others have destroyed me but the calluses I build will be worth it.

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