Tuesday, February 07, 2006

So I've spent the last half hour or so crying.... I really .... I guess I just hate myself.... I cant make any decissions right and I trust that people care about me even when they dont. First example of why I'm such a loser... I'm still at Carpathia... I had the chance to get out of there and I didnt.... I didnt because I thought I saw some good... I thought maybe they did care about me.... but they dont... and now I'm stuck again.... same stupid stuff over and over again. Why do I think people can change? Why do I think *I* can change? I'm just such a loser.... and I guess that's why the second thing is such a problem.... finding someone that would want to be mine? Someone who would want to cuddle up with me? Who would want me? I'm just so pathetic and cant make any decissions right.... I screw everything up.... I just dont understand it.... why was I created this way? Why am I such a disaster? Why can people just completely forget that *I* have feelings too? Its all about how I hurt all these people.... its never about how they hurt me.... its always about my mistakes and never about anyone elses..... People just throw me away.... I'm about as worthwhile as a styrofoam cup... I'm great to use but once your done with me, you just throw me away.... thats all I'm good for.... and all the decissions I make prove that.... why am I still working for Carpathia? Apparently because I'm nothing more than a loser that cant realize that people hate me.... why did Tiff and so many other girls just completely throw me away? Same reason... I'm a loser.... thats all there is to it.

I cant take this crap anymore.... I want to have a good job or be in ministry or something.... I want to be with a company that actually gives a shit about me.... and I want to be able to come home after work and spend time with my kids and once they go to bed I want to be able to cuddle up with my wife who means the world to me and who I mean the world to her...... But the more than life goes on, the more that I realize I dont have anything to offer anyone.... and if all of this internal stuff doesnt prove it, every time I look in the mirror I see another reason why no one would want me.....

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