So I got another email from Carpathia that was positive. I was told that they were sorry for accusing me and just wanted to make sure everything was in the clear and hoped that I wasnt offended being asked what I was asked.

How do I take this? I dont really know what to think. Out of 3 key people in the company, one really enjoyed me working there and appriciated me, one absolutely hated me, and the third completely did whatever felt good at the moment (one day hated me and the next loved me). How should I take this? There have been alot of scary things when I worked for them and now even more scary things are brought up after I leave. I am relieved that they took my word for me that I wasnt violating any contract.... I wasnt violating it nor do I have any intention of doing it. I'm not stupid and I still do have a decent amount of concern for Carpathia.... the unfortunate thing is that the more things come up, the less comfortable I am with Carpathia.

For now I guess I just ignore and move on.... but I cant help but wonder if "something else" will come up eventually.

So I havent even been gone from Carpathia a week and they are already falsely accusing me of stuff that I did not do. *sigh*

So it is now officially Feb 27th.... this day would mark 1 year of Tiff an I being together..... whoopee!

SMS Invented in 1861?

Here's an interesting read.

Watch my life pass me by -- in the rearview mirror
Pictures frozen in time -- are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day -- stuck in the shadow of my mistakes -- yeah

Cause I want you -- and I feel you -- crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burnin -- to find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken, and I'm faded -- I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have -- what's left of me.

I've been dying inside -- little by little
Nowhere to go -- I'm goin outta my mind
An endless circle -- runnin from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

And I want you -- and I feel you -- crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burnin -- to find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken, and I'm faded -- I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have -- what's left of me.

Fallin' faster -- barely breathing
Give me somethin to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head
*pause*
Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

Cause I want you -- and I feel you -- crawling underneath my skin
A hunger, like a burnin -- to find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken, and I'm faded -- I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have, all that's left, (yeah, yeah, yeah) what's left of me

I've been dying inside you see
I'm goin outta my mind (outta my mind, outta my mind, outta my mind)
I'm just runnin' in circles all the time
Will you take what's left? x3 -- of me
I'm just runnin' in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left? x3 -- of me
Take what's left of me

"Whats Left of Me" by Nick Lachay

I must really love new life :)
I was too tired to drive last night so I slept a few hours and woke up at 530 to drive back to VA so I could make it in time for service.

Saying goodbye is really hard. The romanians are like my brothers..... I just said goodbye to ciprian the last time (at least as a coworker) and I miss them all already. There are a lot of memories that I have in working with all of them.

I am really excited (and scared a little) about my future.... But this is an era in my life that I will miss.

It's hard to believe.... I just deleted my bob@carpathiahost.com account from my computer and disconnected my connection to the support channel.... its just not going to be the same having the romanians in the window on my computer.... it may sound odd, but not having my computer connected to that IRC system is going to be really awkward for a while.

One more shift to go and then I'm done. I really am going to miss working at Carpathia despite all of the crap that has happened. I really enjoyed what I did and I really dont think I have ever worked for a team of people like the Romanian team. They truly are a great group of guys!

My life is moving on tho. I'm looking forward to what I'll be doing at readnews.com as well as with New Life.... and I think God is starting to lead me in a direction that I've been called to since I was 15. We'll just have to wait and see how things go.

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

-Nickelback

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

"White Flag" by Dido

WTH?! Where did this snow come from? :)

So it is now official.... I will also be working for www.readnews.com

Lots of interesting stuff going on.

So, as the last post indicated, I had a long talk with Tiff last night. I was able to get my frustrations out and the amazing thing was she acted like a real friend.... More than anyone else has in the last few weeks. I'm still confused and still very much single and looking.... But I feel a lot better.... Tiff actually listened to me last night. She didn't second guess me at all.... She didn't mention any of my faults..... She just listened.

Now I'm on my way back to VA..... 3 more shifts at Carpathia left..... I hope they go quick but I'm preparing for the worst.

So I've already wrote two posts and deleted them.... I dont understand whats going on in this stage of my life.... Carpathia was negative but yet alot of positive came out of it... the same as every other negative situation.... but right now, everything points to the fact that Tiff was a negative scenario in my life.... but was/is she? This psychological nightmare I'm going through is something that I guess I have to go through.... right now, I dont see the positive of Tiff being in my life.... and a big part of me wants to just curse the day that I sat down with her in Bentley Hall.... yet, is there something more? Why was she in my life? Why is she in my life? I just dont understand.... everyone tells me to move on.... and so many times I get to that point... I'm ready to move on.... and then next thing you know, life brings me right back around to Tiff whether it be in my mind or in the physical world.

All these negative things and yet there have been positives.... when will I see the positive of having met Tiff? Fox Mulder put it best.... "I want to believe".....

So I guess this is the post that stays on my blog.... I've got one screwed up head..... but you know what, alot of great things are happening for me right now.... alot of great things... maybe this is where I find out the positive that Tiff served too? I can only hope.... thats a word I havent used in relation to Tiff in a while.... hope.....

Always my fault..... Its all my fault.... no one will ever look to what they may be doing to hurt me....... that would make them feel guilty. Here's a news flash.... pointing out how bad of a person I am is *NOT* going to make me feel better... Maybe it will make you feel better but its not going to make me feel better.

In the words of Fox Mulder "I want to believe"

I don't understand why when I'm in the middle of what seems to be great things, I still feel so down. I don't need anybody other than God but why does it feel like I do? Why do I feel so alone.... Why AM I alone?

I understand the importance of reaching out and helping those who don't know God.... but what about those in the church that are hurting?

There really is so much going through my head right now I dont even know how to begin to process it. I'm completely blown away by the selfishness that some people have. Granted, all of us (including myself), are selfish in some ways but its when that selfishness gets to the point that you dont even care what happens to someone else.... You dont care what they go through or what you even do to hurt them.

Right now, there are two things that are really hitting me hard related to this. The first is Carpathia, the second is Tiff.

Carpathia is a growing company with ALOT of potential.... yet, there is such a lack of the word "team".... Its never been about what is best for the company but what is best for each individual person. This excludes our Romania team who really would bend over backwards to help anyone out. If you join Carpathia's live support and talk with one of our Romanians, you will get a response. They will do whatever they can to make sure you are taken care of... The really do care about our customers and they dont care about how much they have to sacrifice to take care of the customer. But what I cant understand is how anyone who puts so much effort into working for the good of the company is largely downplayed. I'm in no way saying that I am a perfect employee.... who is? But I have done alot to cover for other people.... Responding to on-call scenarios when the person on call couldnt be found and talking with customers that did not receive timely responses. I have always valued the customers I dealt with beacuse I realize that they are ultimately who payed me. But how do we get to a point when the amount of backstabbing I receive grows to the point it has. The lack of care of what it is that *I* go through in the data center. Sure, I've made mistakes.... but so has everyone else. Why is it that I dont get any other chances. Why am I not allowed to learn from mistakes. How can people just totally not care or not even bother to look at whether I am helping the company or not. There is just something wrong about going home at least once a week in alot of pain beacuse of the physical work that was required by yourself and the stress brought on by covering mistakes and completely giving up your life to make sure that the customer is taken care of and then finding out that the ultimate result was you were going to be fired in the future. Why? I dont understand it. No bringing up any errors I've made or anything..... just start backstabbing me and painting a picture that I truly am a misserable employee while customer compliments come in day after day. I dont understand. I can't understand. Maybe this is why I'm not an ideal employee? Maybe I value people too much and the root of any business is ONLY money? Maybe I'm off base in my idea that taking care of the customer is what builds revenue in the long run? I value people.... is that where I went wrong? Did I work too hard and threaten others? I dont know if anyone could answer the question, but I know that many have speculations. It doesnt really matter now since I'm leaving but sometimes you can't help but wonder.

Then there is Tiff.... and I guess in my mind alot of the same stuff applies? I can sit here and say that I probably was the worst boyfriend in the world to Tiff.... and the more I realize things about me, the more I realize that no one will want me.... but I dont understand why it has always been about what *I* did wrong. I made huge huge mistakes, I'll agree.... but why is it that anytime I wanted to address something Tiff did that hurt me, the only response I ever received was a "well, yes but you (fill in the blank)".... Does anyone have any idea of how bad it hurts to realize that the first time you make an effort to block any disruptions so you can focus 100% on your girlfriend and your girlfriend gets up and completely ignores you to talk to her ex? Does anyone know how hard it is to be dating someone and you walk into her dorm room and only see a room filled with pictures and cards from her ex and eventually you get lucky enough to have one picture of you hanging in the corner? What about working extremely hard to get the best graduation gift you possible could imagine and only have it thrown back in your face and there be no appriciation at all? I could go on but there isnt a point.... But why did I continue to love and care about her when I should have just said forget it? Why did I push all of the pain aside that I experienced in all of these things.... I denied myself because I cared about someone so much.... and now here I am, completely crushed and destroyed again..... and the worst part is, I'm a horrible person to her. My mistakes were greater than any love she ever had for me.... I cant even get a response to emails or text messages.... I see her come on AIM all of the time and yet there is no desire to talk to me. Why? I was told time and time again that she loved me and she cared about me.... but what is it that I did that makes me deserve this? Right now, the only mistake that I can tell that I made was trusting her again and again.... Being willing to work through her mistakes and work towards making things better. Why did I do it.... it never did matter apparently..... and the only thing I can figure is the things that were said to me were nothing but lies. I know I'm a horrible person but am I really so horrible that I dont deserve another chance.

Why is it that I am not a person that anyone feels the are worth taking a risk on? I hear so many times that I have so much potential.... yet all of the people that say those words dont have the time of day for me... they won't "put their money where their mouth is" ... It's so easy to say "Your worth it" or "I love you" .... but when it comes to actually showing that and living according to what you say, its too much work. In this scenario, how is it that I am supposed to believe that I am loved and that I actually am a worthwhile person.

I've got issues in the way that I feel right now. I have issues with bitterness for the first tiem in my life. I know that I have ideas that I need to change. I know that I have made mistakes and I know there are things that I just simply dont understand. But why is it that people are always trying to focus on MY mistakes rather than what they may have done wrong for me to be hurting this badly?

Yes, I feel completely alone in this world and yes, alot of that is my fault. But why do people have the selfishness to constantly point out my errors and not look at what they may have done to lead to me feeling this way.

I'm sure at this point Tiff and Carpathia feel like they have succeded in making my life misserable.... and maybe that is true for this point in time.... but I will rise above this and I will march on knowing that I did all that I could. I will leave Carpathia with my head held high knowing that customers really appriciated what I did and knowing that I did everything I possibly could have to make things better for everyone. Someday I will look back at this scenario and laugh repeatedly.

I will rise above this.... but that doesnt stop the pain for now. Maybe Tiff, Carpathia, and others have destroyed me but the calluses I build will be worth it.

Another one down.... Only 3 more shifts to go..... Thank God.

Heavyweights talk Homeland Security

One more article.... this paints the picture pretty well of what I have been saying related to my unhappiness with the Bush administration. I've been a hardcore republican but if things like this keep happening, my affiliation may change. Neither party is all that good but if the republicans are going to start stripping me of my rights (especially my right to privacy), then I have to change who I support.

Quite honestly, this all sucks!

ALA | Security Officers Overstep in Maryland Library Incident

Ok, what exactly is "Homeland Security" for?

informationliberation - Houston Police Chief Wants Surveillance Cameras In Private Homes

I never read "1984" but I've heard alot about it.... and I really never thought that I would see, in my lifetime, the ideas in that book brought forward and put into use. The reality is that reality is changing. It's getting downright scary. If anyone thinks they have their privacy, think again.

I'm still not feeling real good..... both mentally and physically.

It's really hard for me right now.... I mean, there are some extremely amazing things about to come my way and they are things that I'm sure God has been working on my whole life.... The way things happened and occured may have seemed really crappy at the time but now everything is fitting together. The thing that is so hard tho is that I often feel like I'm alone in not only all of this but in my life in general. I'm such a "people person" and need to be around people but no matter what it seems like I'm working on stuff alone... I have a ton of contacts but alot of them are just that... contacts. And being single is still really killing me. Its not that I need a girlfriend to survive.... but its something that is really helpful to have.

I dont know... God has all of this in His plans, I'm sure.... but its been really tough dealing with. Life will go on.... There really are some great things ahead.... and I am looking forward to those.... my life is coming together for once... I guess I just wish I had someone to share it with.

Please keep me in your prayers... especially with this neck issue....

I so incredibly feel like crap!

First, physically I am misserable. A few nights ago I had to move some extremely heavy equipment between buildings and, of course, no one is ever around to assist me with things like this. Apparently I did some damage to my neck it seems and I'm in alot of pain. My neck is hurting as well as my head and its making me nauseous.

Secondly, emotionally I feel horrible. I very rarely get to hang out with my friends anymore and it seems as tho this weekend will be the same deal. Lots of great things are happening for me but I still dont have any ways of relaxing. I just wish I had a friend that I could call up and would love to do stuff once in a while.....

So I think its a pretty agreed upon thing that the primary goal of satan
is to deceive those that follow God and to hide everyone from what is
true. I've been watching a Discovery Channel show and a lot of things
have been occuring to me. First of all, nature is a pretty amazing
things. The Bible tells us that the heavens and the earth are designed
as a testimony to Gods power.... So wouldn't it make sense that satan
would want to hide these wonders? Wouldn't it make sense that God would
want His creation revealed to us? Its a proven fact that things exsist
in history exceed the technology that we posses. We know the story of
Jonah and Ninevah. We know that entire civilizations were corrupt. We
know the story of the tower of babel. But many of also know at least a
small bit of greek mythology. Has anyone ever thought to link the 2
together? Another thing to think about is the use of psychics in trying
to find missing history such as Atlantis. In the early 1900s a psychic
predicted Atlantis would be found in 1968 near the bermuda triangle.
Why would a psychic, who would be agreed by many to be led by satan,
want to reveal the beauty of something in history? I think the answer
may be simple... If satan wants to deceive us, isn't highly possible
that the purpose of psychics is only to act as "misinformants"?

What are the secrets of the earth? What other beautiful things has God
created for us that we have yet to see? I think we have only begun to
scrape the surface of some amazing and wonderous things. How many of
these things were created before Noah? Knowing how extremely vile the
people were before the flood, we know that many things had to be wiped
out. There were the Nephilem that many believe to have been super human
and many of those believe they were a race of humans mated with demons.
No matter what angle you believe, things were definately very
interesting before the flood. I'm sure technology beyond our
imagination exsisted before the great flood.... Technology that was
wiped out and remains hidden for us to find it centuries later.

There is a huge testimony of God surrounding us if we open our eyes. It
can be found in the industries we work in.... It can be found in our
friends and family... It can be found cuddling up with that special
someone and watching the stars. We have seen it our whole lives but I
think we are on the verge of seeing some amazing testimony.... More than
has ever been imagined.

This truly is an exciting time to be alive.

If anyone could keep me in prayer, I would really appriciate it. I'm not feeling well at all.

Stop Planned Parenthood Tax Funding

I've thought for a while that I'd have a heart attack before I'm 30. I guess now I'm going to have one before the 30th...... Well, 23rd to be more exact.

RIAA et al. says CD ripping, backups not fair use

Excellent..... Not only are we supposed to buy the CDs we listen to, we're supposed to buy them over and over again. Will someone please shoot these people and put them out of their misery?

Thank God I have only about a week left at Carpathia.... my physical body just cant take it anymore..... The advantage is, after working for them, I will have super human strength sooner than anyone else :)

Slashdot | Prostitutes Call for a Ban on GTA

This is, by far, the funniest news story I have seen this year -- and probably will be the funniest for the whole year!

So for those of you that are going crazy trying to figure out where I will be working, starting next week I am an employee of New Life Christian Church :)

Well, aside from someone intentionally trying to upset me regarding Valentine's day, I made it through. In all honesty, my objection to this day isnt just because I'm single. Granted, that is a huge part of it.... especially when you add to the fact of how much my heart has been broken.... but the big thing is, why does there have to be a day that you love your girlfriend/boyfriend more? Shouldnt this be an every day thing? All Valentine's day does is make people become something that they arent and people who are single feel like someone they arent. It's really a horrible day, I think. Whenever I find that special girl, of course I will celebrate with her.... but it doesnt mean that I won't still object to the holiday.

Maybe next year I can be next to that special girl... but even so, it doesnt mean that others wont be in the position that I am in now.

I'm glad this day is over for another year. I've been hurt so badly in the last year.... my heart is again in a million pieces and all I can do is try to clean them up again.....

This is a repost from my blog in Feb 2004

Bob K Mertz FAQ - Valentine's Day

Have you ever had a girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
Once. Out of many, I had one girlfriend on Valentine's Day, however, she was forbidden to see me therefore it really shouldn't count. (Note that since then, I did have Tiff on one Valentine's day so the accurate reading is 2 girlfriends out of many)

Typically when do you lose your girlfriends?
Usually within one month of Valentine's day -- always before. Many times this happens the week or two before Valentine's day, and in one instance, the day before.

What is with you wearing black on Valentine's Day?
After everything that I have been through when it comes to relationships, this seems to be one way that I can show my anger towards something that continually hurts me. If a Valentine's day comes along that I actually have a stable relationship with a girl, I will then, and only then, not wear black.

If you could have one thing for Valentine's day, what would it be?
Unconditional love. Honesty. I would want to know that I am just as important to my girlfriend as she is to me. Material things are worthless. I want true love.

Well, its officially valentine's day.... sucks huh? Honestly, there is no day worse than this day. Its a day to make every person who is single feel like complete crap because no one likes them. I have had some good relationships that lasted for a while.... and, well, in my history, well over half of them dumped me within 2 months before Valentine's day..... I remember one girl I was gonna marry.... what was her name? Oh yea, it was like Tiff or something like that..... I knew her once.... but no matter what was said about how much she would always care, she left me... not only did she leave me, but she hurt me more than anyone else. At this point, I dont even care about a relationship.... I just can't believe that she lied to me about always wanting to be my friend, etc. People who can't even say "hi" to someone that supposedly meant so much to them... I dont understand it... well, whatever.... this day is full of hell for me... I hate it but I'll live through it.

Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger then this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio

Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?

"So Sick" by Ne-Yo

Just read this and think about it. I dont agree with the lifestyles of these people but should they really be left as outcasts? God has commanded us to love one another, but the way society treats homosexuals and the like is far from love. Like I said, I may not agree with the homosexual lifestyle or any other lifestyle that is against my morals but beacuse my morals are one way does not mean that everyone else's morals are the same.... Again... just read these and think about it.

I am the girl who was kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

1hr and 15mins till the start of the worst holiday ever created.....

Can we say BORED! :(

Tonight was really cool.... something about hanging out with 2 hot brazilian girls... hehe....

Honestly tho... I had a really nice time.... Becca and I hung out and her friend Tati came with us and we went out for pizza.... it was really awesome talking to them.... it's been a while since I've been able to just hang out and relax.... I've always thought Becca was really sweet and now, he friend is just as sweet. God has been bringing me in contact with some really amazing people... Becca and Tati are two of them :)

I don't want to dig that out but I guess ill have to at some point. I think I heard the official reading was 11.5 inches at IAD (dulles int'l)

I'm really tired of hearing "Oh well, everyone goes through that" .... I mean, really... thanks for the help.... Why dont you just say "Bob, your a baby and your problem really doesnt mean anything to anyone" ... *sigh* ... maybe everyone does go through the same things... but you telling me that isnt going to help me any..... Honestly.... sometimes the best thing people can do to help me is to not try to help me.... just be my friend.... hang out with me... talk to me... hell, even just "hi" would be nice.

I know... other people have worse problems.... so go take care of them... I can do it myself.

Anyone that goes to New Life, dont go to church tomorrow. It's canceled.

In the store for 15 mins.... this is gonna be a fun night :)

Its coming....

Sorry if you couldnt access my blog in the last 24 hours. I moved DNS servers and forgot to add blog. as an A record.... should be working now (and obviously, if you are seeing this, it is).

Did anyone else notice that black tuesday falls on Valentine's Day this year? How fitting is that.... a holiday designed around pain and suffering joins together with the day Microsoft releases pain and suffering in the form of patches.

*sigh*

I can feel it already.... the next 2 weeks at Carpathia are going to be hell.... I'll make it somehow tho....

Things are looking up I guess.... If only I could find a girl that actually cared about me and thought I was attractive and nice and I was someone worth being with.... someone who wouldnt lie to be or break promises would be nice too.... I'm really getting worried tho... I'm starting to get a hard heart in that aspect.... I've been here before I guess.... I told myself I wasnt ever going to trust anyone again.... then for some reason I trusted Tiff.... and as a result, I'm destroyed.... but then again, I guess I trusted Carpathia and got destroyed there but good things are coming out of that.... maybe the purpose of Tiff was just that.... just to hurt me so bad that I learned something out of it. I really dont want to believe that she hates me... but yet, there isnt any evidence that she cares about me so I guess I can only assume ... someday maybe I'll realize that she doesnt care about me.... but until then, I guess I'll just be destroying myself over and over again.... thing that sucks is this is probably exactly what she wants..... for me to suffer like this. *sigh* ... So close to a perfect world yet, the last piece of the puzzle I dont think will ever fit..... oh well.... I have exciting things ahead and I'm going to try to focus on those.

Well, its been sent :) Feb 23rd will be my last official day at Carpathia Hosting.

It's pretty much definate that I am leaving Carpathia at this point. In fact, within the next few hours I will be giving my official 2 weeks notice. I've looked at a lot of options and at this point, EVERYTHING is falling into place.... sure it was a similar scenario 4 or 5 months ago, but this time I have gaurentees of other options and all other options need someone ASAP. The awesome thing is that this move (no matter which route I do end up going), will open me up to doing alot more work with my church and possibly REALLY opening the door for ministry. Keep me in your prayers.... its a pretty exciting time for me right now. I'm not worried a bit which is a really awesome feeling.... and actually, I'm in a really good mood :)

So right now I feel really good.... But I just got to work so I'm assuming that won't last long.

So I've spent the last half hour or so crying.... I really .... I guess I just hate myself.... I cant make any decissions right and I trust that people care about me even when they dont. First example of why I'm such a loser... I'm still at Carpathia... I had the chance to get out of there and I didnt.... I didnt because I thought I saw some good... I thought maybe they did care about me.... but they dont... and now I'm stuck again.... same stupid stuff over and over again. Why do I think people can change? Why do I think *I* can change? I'm just such a loser.... and I guess that's why the second thing is such a problem.... finding someone that would want to be mine? Someone who would want to cuddle up with me? Who would want me? I'm just so pathetic and cant make any decissions right.... I screw everything up.... I just dont understand it.... why was I created this way? Why am I such a disaster? Why can people just completely forget that *I* have feelings too? Its all about how I hurt all these people.... its never about how they hurt me.... its always about my mistakes and never about anyone elses..... People just throw me away.... I'm about as worthwhile as a styrofoam cup... I'm great to use but once your done with me, you just throw me away.... thats all I'm good for.... and all the decissions I make prove that.... why am I still working for Carpathia? Apparently because I'm nothing more than a loser that cant realize that people hate me.... why did Tiff and so many other girls just completely throw me away? Same reason... I'm a loser.... thats all there is to it.

I cant take this crap anymore.... I want to have a good job or be in ministry or something.... I want to be with a company that actually gives a shit about me.... and I want to be able to come home after work and spend time with my kids and once they go to bed I want to be able to cuddle up with my wife who means the world to me and who I mean the world to her...... But the more than life goes on, the more that I realize I dont have anything to offer anyone.... and if all of this internal stuff doesnt prove it, every time I look in the mirror I see another reason why no one would want me.....

Being single sucks

Steelers win Super Bowl XL

It is really an awesome thing.... I have lived through a huge part of Pittsburgh history.... history that will make racket through the entire nation. Being here in Southwestern PA is an amazing thing right now and I am so glad that I had the opportunity. Very shortly after the game my sister and I headed to Dick's Sporting Goods to get our T-Shirts.... Just driving through Greensburg was awesome! We were driving through downtown and we were honking at cars, they were honking back... Terrible Towels hanging out of everyone's windows.... people walking the streets with their Terrible Towels.... we arrive at Dick's and literally spent a little time finding a parking spot. Keep in mind that after about 6pm today, this entire area shut down. Pretty much you had Sheetz, Denny's, and Wal-Mart open and that was it.... but I'm sure you wouldnt have seen anyone there anyway. So Dick's opens up after the Steelers win to sell Super Bowl Champions T-Shirts and hats. We arrive at Dick's less than an hour after the game ended and if it wasnt for the fact that we saw our uncle there who got there before us, we would not have got any shirts.... The line was around the whole front of the store about 2 times and Lori and I couldnt even make it to the shirts.... our uncle grabbed us a few and then we met up with him.... the line took about an hour to get through from where he was at but the whole time people were yelling and singing fights songs, etc. It was an AWESOME experience. My other sister Kari drove through Greensburg a little more than we did and she found people who were spraying confetti on passing cars.... Everyone was loving it. If you did that in Northern VA (even if the Redskins had one), you'd be arrested.... but this is Pittsburgh.... this is who we are.... born with Steelers in our blood.... it's a part that will never leave us, no matter how far away we travel or live. Pittsburgh may not be my home, but it will always be where I am from and that is something I am proud of. To think that even 4 years ago, I hated football.... but now I realize that this is more than football... this is culture.... this is who I am... this is who *WE* are.... We are Pittsburgh.... The town that will always have the nickname of Blitzburgh....

I am proud to have lived this day. I am proud of the entire team.... And I wish Bettis the best! He will certainly be missed but we will take memories of him with us forever.... Actually, we will all take lots of memories of the entire team, the entire legacy, and this entire evening with us. This night will live in our hearts forever....

Congrats to the Pittsburgh Steelers! It's nice to have the one for the thumb!

Less than one hour after the win..... Basically every steeler champ adult size shirt is gone.

Currently at Dicks in Greensburg...... Did I mention I love Pittsburgh?

<

I love it.... Local school districts are calling 2 hour delays for tomorrow.

HELL YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CONGRATS STEELERS!!!!!! Super Bowl XL Champs!!!!!

1 min left and I'm still scared....

That was even the longest rushing play in super bowl history! GO BLACK AND GOLD!

Congrats Willie!

Fast Willie!!!!

Just plain freaking amazing! That ruled!

Go Ben!

7-3, Steelers

Someone at YaHoo is smoking some crack

Definately the possibility of me having a heart attack tonight......

Kick Off!!!!

Oh gosh I'm gonna have a heart attack... Go Steelers.... the whole nation needs this!

The Pittsburgh Steelers...... Look at the terrible towels wave..... :)

Detroit now has: 10% Seattle Fans and 90% Pittsburgh fans!

GO STEELERS!!!!!

Less than 20 mins till kick off!

! ! ! ! G O - S T E E L E R S ! ! ! !

G O
S T E E L E R S ! ! !

Computers allow humans to make mistakes at the fastest speeds known, with the possible exception of tequila and handguns

Welcome to Blitzburgh.....

I remember when the Christmas season was approaching as kids we all wanted to pile in the car and drive around and look at Christmas lights.... Well there is a good chance I will be doing that tommorrow but ill be looking at Steelers decorations and lights. I love Pittsburgh.....

Yup.... Getting close to Pittsburgh..... Not even to Somerset and there is a traffic sign flashing "Go Steelers"

I'm really glad I have the chance to be in Pittsburgh this weekend. This is the culture I love and miss.

GO STEELERS

Work cell phone .... OFF
Pager .... OFF

I'm going to do the absolute best that I can to relax this weekend. I'm leaving now to head up to PA.

GO STEELERS!

I swear I'll have a heart attack before I'm 30..... This sucks!

So I think this has to be said. First of all, I am a Republican which I think almost everyone knows.... and yes, I did vote for Bush. Quite honestly, Bush could really screw up bad and I think he still is a better option than Kerry was.... I really support(ed) Bush very strongly. He is a real person (as real as any president we've seen so far, anyway)..... He doesnt try to waiver his Faith in order to comply with what people perceive.... The war in Iraq is a big issue to many people but I honestly think Bush has been handling it very well.

What has to be said then? Well, quite honestly.... he is starting to scare me. I dont know if anyone has heard about the anti-porn bills and anti-porn fight, etc... as well as the subpoenas on companies such as search engines like Google, Yahoo, Etc..... There are a lot of porn sites that have been shut down as the result of Bush's fight.... now, the issue isnt that the porn sites have been shut down in my eyes.... the issue is our privacy as US citizens. We really honestly are being invaded and it's not good. Whether you support the moral fight or not isnt the issue. Bush believes in fighting the porn industry and I won't argue with that. My life has been harmed by porn and it isnt generally a upright industry.... but the thing is, you can not invade our privacy in order to fight it. Google, thankfully, has stood up to this issue. This actually paints an even better picture of the Google policy than I had before.... they are willing to stand up to our government to protect our rights. I think any tech person knows that Google has more information on us than we could even imagine.... and to me, the fact that they have that information isn't so much of a concern of mine as is what they do with it. They have information for the purpose of benefiting the same people they have the information on.... So far, Google has not shown any signs of using that information for anything that would harm anyone.... however, I dont know that I trust the government with alot of that information.... and if the Bush administration gets their way, thousands and thousands and maybe even millions of pieces of information on us is going directly to the government's hands. Our privacy is being invaded in serious ways and I dont care if everything else you do or are doing is right, you automatically lose a huge point in my book if you invade my privacy. The US Government has been over stepping it's boundaries for way too long and we've dealt with it..... but its starting to go entirely too far.

So, Bush.... I've supported you for a very long time in things that most people didnt.... and I still support almost everything you are doing and have done.... but you MUST stop over stepping.... you must protect my right to privacy and you must protect my right to free speech. These are fundamental values of the foundation of the United States and they are just as important to me as the religious freedom rights that I have.

Here are some links for interesting reading:

• 
  Google rejects government demand in porn probe
  
• 
  No, Bush, it's still domestic spying
  
• 
  AT&T Sued For Helping NSA
  
• 
  No Place to Hide
  
• 
  Green for Danger?
  
• 
  FBI Agents Back Down When Librarian Refuses to Let Them Seize 30 Computers Without a Warrant
  
• 
  EFF Applauds Google Resistance to Government Subpoena
  
• 
  EFF: Government Still Pushing for Cell Phone Tracking Without Probable Cause
  

The issue here is not how badly we are at threat from terrorists.... its not what minor can access pornography, and as much as I hate to exclude this, it isnt even what child porn is on the net. The issue is our privacy. For the record, child porn is wrong and anyone who produces it should have their balls cut off and thrown in jail for life.... And minors should not be able to access pornography but it's not the government's job to make sure that doesnt happen... it is the FAMILY'S job to protect those children. Whether pornography is right or wrong morally, it is still legal and it is still covered by free speach.... It is not the job of the government to protect us morally... it is the job of the government to run this nation.... Sure there are terroristic threats but you can't hide behind that and all of a sudden say that they need to know every single thing that every US citizen is thinking... That is going way across the line. Our government has enough technology to monitor terrorists without having to read all of our minds. There is always a threat... and whether you can read my mind or not, there is still a threat. The acts that the government and (right now) the Bush administration have been taking are invading our privacy without probable cause.

Hmmm... Deja vu..... I've been here before I think.... but yea, drastic decissions are going to have to be made very soon.... please keep me in your prayers that I make the right ones.

ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cant stand this.... why is it I can have a perfect day and then go into work and they exceptionally screw my life up and piss me off more than is imaginable?

Punxy Phil sees his shadow yesterday and today I have my sunroof and window open...... Dumb rodents!

Anyway, I'm loving it! this really does help seasonal affective! I just hope this good and happy mood sticks around for a while.

Anyone that hasnt already scanned their systems for the worm that is set to go off tomorrow, make sure you do so before midnight tonight. I put a scanner up on my website in case anyone hasnt gotten it yet.

FixBmalE.exe

Download the file and run it. Once you open it it will ask you to accept the agreement which you should do, then once the main program comes up, click "Start" ... it will then scan you system to make sure you are clean. Make sure you do this before midnight tonight since the worm is set to delete files on Friday the 3rd. The scan may take an hour on some systems.

It's ground hog day..... This means in a little town in PA (not far from DuBois... *SIGH*), a ground hog will run out of his hole...... blah blah blah.

Why does everything have to remind me of what I should try to forget? Oh and lets not forget Valentine's day is coming up.... ARGH!

Microsoft Won't Issue Advance Kama Sutra Fix

People who stand behind Microsoft really need to read this and think hard about it. Most techies know about the worm that will wreak havoc on Windows computers this Friday.... and the good news is, Microsoft has a fix for it. The bad (stupid) news is that Microsoft will not release this update to users before Friday and will, instead, wait for Feb 14th (The next scheduled black tuesday). Why? Well, read the last line of the article and you'll understand. You can obtain this fix but only if you subscribe to Microsoft's update service. Things like this really make you wonder who wrote the worm.... Could the worm have been written only as another money maker for Microsoft. Even if it wasnt, this still paints a perfect picture that Microsoft does not care about security but only about money.

I'm honestly sorry to anyone that I've hurt recently.... it seems alot of people are taking the way I feel and the way I respond to certain things personally.... I have to ask that you please not. Certainly some things I say may apply to you.... and there are some people that have really been treating me unfairly.... but the majority of everyone I know is taking things personally that they shouldnt... not that they can be blamed for that. I'm not trying to justify the way I act but I do want to ask that everyone please take some things with a grain of salt. Please understand that in many aspects of my life (especially relationships), I have really been treated like crap... and its hard to not associate things today to those... especially when alot of that pain is so recent. It's been really hard on me recently.... pretty much ever girl I dated cheated on me.... most people when I ask for help end up screwing me over.... When I ask for help, I'm inadequate and shouldnt be doing whatever it is I need help with.... when it comes to girls... well... thats really screwed up to when no one you ever date is really faithful to you. There have been a few... VERY few that were.... and then when it comes down to friendships.... man, its so weird.... all the relationships that just came to be.... Amber, Kendra, etc, etc... Didnt really expect to be friends afterwards.... then there's Tiff who I thought even if things didnt work out romantically would be my friend for life.... and to be at a point where she doesnt even have the time of day to say hi to me... its just really painful for me. The lies I've been told constantly.... Whether they were meant to not hurt me or not, they flat out killed me. When you finally open up and believe someone when they tell you that they will never hurt you or leave you and then they actually do, it makes things really tough.

I dunno... like I said, I'm not trying to make excuses.... I have alot that I need to work on.... but I just would like it if everyone could please just take a step back and realize that I've been hurt alot and that the things going around in my head are going to take some time to clear..... Please just be paitient with me.....