Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I've been trying to sleep for a while but just can't. I was thinking all day about last night. Going to dinner with Liz was great.... Then getting to play with Eli was just as great. That boy melts my heart all the time. He told me last night that when we went back in the house that he was gonna ask "nana" if he could miss school so they could visit me. He later asked Liz if he could visit me soon.... Tanya of course said "im trying" but I don't think there is hope of tanya driving him to VA.

I really have no idea where my life is going. I don't know anything. I wish I knew everything but I don't. I saw an old friend from Pizza Hut, Ashlea, tonight. She randomly asked me what I wanted out of life.... I didn't even have to think about it.... My answer was "a family" -- that is truly all that I want out of life. I wish I knew who I was going to marry but I don't. I have interest in some people.....the most important thing is avoiding confusion. And I have to try to avoid relationships that will only lead to confusion. I always went back to Tiff when she got her head on straight but when she was back in dubois, her life got really confusion and that made mine confusing and absolutelt misserable. I always looked at the present and said that we could both love each other but I never looked at the future that clearly pointed to a road block (like tiff going back home). The ideal girl may actually be one that has no direction in her life and someone who would be willing to give up anything that gets in her way for whatever direction she does find. I may have a full time job but I don't know if its a career. A girl with no direction wouldn't have anything to get in the way of a solid relationship. Someone who is 100% committed to her career means there is absolutely no time for me.... And I have learned that all to well. A person who will not stand up for herself when someone opposes her is someone who can not be in a relationship. The first opposition will create problems. Don't get me wrong.... Having a career is not wrong at all..... Respecting and listening to friends and family is great. But a relationship takes time and effort. Its not something that can just be kept around for conveince. You have to make an effort...... More importantly, you have to honor the effort the other person puts into things of the relationship such as spending time together.

My goals in life are this: to serve God, to be the best husband possible, and to be the best father possible. This is truly what I want. But I am learning that this is another area where I have given and given whether I got any return or not. I don't expect anything in return.... This is who I am.... But the thing is that a relationship can not survive this way. This may be why my relationships fail time and time again. I need love in return. I don't expect it but I do need it. I guess this is why I always feel used when a relationship ends. I'm left with broken promises and a broken heart.

Where am I going? I don't have a clue.... But I now am in a church full of people who have no clue where they are going but are completly ready to drop everything when God says "go". I have not felt this way in a long while. I never had a group of people surrounding me that feel the same as me. I have no clue where I am going but I am totally ready to lay it down when God tells me..... And I pray I soon find the girl that will come along for the ride.

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