Thursday, August 31, 2006

I've been here many times before. There are so many questions rolling around in my head. Topping that list is, of course, "why me?" I'm doing the best that I can but this is becomming a much harder struggle than I had even anticipated. Part of me wants to just run back to Kim anyway and tell her that I can't live without her. Well, its the way I feel. God is going to get me through this and I rationally know that its not that I can't live without her -- its only that I dont want to live without her. Of course, I am still battling this love thing.... my heart really feels that Kim loved me... but the more I've been thinking tonight, 1 Corinthians 13 keeps coming to my mind.... love endures. Maybe its just that I want to believe whats easiest for me to believe? I mean, if Kim loved me, then at least I feel less stupid.... but then again, if she did really love me, would she have given up?

I guess a big part of me just feels stupid in so many ways. I gave my heart away to someone that didnt want to keep going. I respect her decission and its not even that I can't understand it.... its just that I keep running into this situation. Why is it that it seems I have a totally different view of what love means than anyone else I ever dated.... and God, please tell me why Kim felt the same way!

I'm trying to be strong... but maybe thats my problem.... maybe I'm just not supposed to be strong.... but God knows I dont want to just start bawling here in the middle of the data center... I've come close.... I think I'm gonna be able to leave in about a half hour.... I sure hope so.

It's been a really long time since I've had emotional pain start causing this much physical pain. It kind of makes me wonder why I even try anymore. Every single time I find someone, it just rips my heart to shreds. Each time it's someone more amazing... and each time I end up with more shreds. I dont understand the contradiction of everyone saying anyone would be lucky to have me but yet no one will fight with me... and its not even that Im asking someone to fight for me... I want someone who will fight WITH me.... someone that believes in the same things I do.

I know that I must endure... and I know that God will be with me. I'm just really hurting. I thought that maybe this time I was going to be stronger but I think I feel worse in this scenario than I have before. Does that mean that Kim meant more to me? Maybe it just is that im tired of it happening over and over again. The physical body gets weaker with every hit to the same spot. Eventually, that spot wont be able to take much at all. My emotions are the same way. Getting hit is part of life -- but for me, I get hit in the same spot.... over and over again. It happens the same way every time and I just dont understand.

A big part of me wants to just give up and say this fight isnt worth it -- but my desire to have a family is too strong. But I dont know how much more of this I can take... I mean... I prepared myself for this to happen. I spent time with God and really tried to be as strong as I could.... but I just cant be strong anymore. I've been hit here so many times and this part of my emotion simply cant take anymore. Just like someone who has had brain surgery isnt going to play football... thats exactly how I feel about even bothering with another relationship.

I know that I am going to make it.... I'll be fine. But knowing that I'll be fine does not take the pain away and it especially doesnt make me any stronger in this area.

Please pray for me... Please pray that God would minister to me... and I say this in a very un-selfish manner: Please pray for Kim... this isnt any easier on her.

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