Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Anyone out there that really knows me knows that my faith is tested in extreme ways at times. I have made many decissions in the past that seem to be stupid.... obviously things that I had not thought out -- but true only in logic.

I have always very strongly believed that God has purposes for people that do not seem logical. God is outside of our logic and we have to accept the fact that we can not comprehend who He is and why He does what He does. It's also very important to know that He may tell you to do something that doesnt make sense. You may be asked to go somewhere that you dont want to be. It's in these moments that God is about to do something very amazing... and the sadest thing is that most miss out on it because they are too affraid to take the first step.

As humans, we are very affraid to step into the unknown. We want to be around what we know and where we feel comfortable. This is our human nature and it protects us in many ways, however, it often will hinder us from being used as amazing tools of God. I am not different than this in my nature but thankfully, it is something that God has been working on me with for many years. I am very happy that in many cases, I took huge leaps of faith and followed something that God directed me in. I have battled alot of pain and alot of dissapointments.... I have struggled with alot of sin... I have also been in periods where I just went through the motions -- I served God without listening to what God wanted. While I appeared to be a man of God, I really was weak in my walk.

We are told in the Bible that in our weaknesses, He is strong. This can't be more true. When we are comfortable and we are in situations that we understand, it is harder for God to do something in our lives because we know how things work logically. When we are put in a position where we dont understand in the slightest bit what is going on, we only have the option of giving it all up to Him.... these are the periods that God works some extreme miracles.

Recently there have been some huge changes in my life -- and all for the better. I have met an incredible girl that God has brought into my life. She doesnt realize how much she was used by God in changing my life. I care about her very much and she means alot to me but one thing I am thankful for is that the changes that God used her to make in my life are not dependant upon her. If I never talk to Kim again, it doesnt mean I go back to where I was. In fact, I know God will take care of me if thats the case. It is my prayer that I never have to battle that again but in the book of James we are told that our life is a vapor. We're told that we shouldnt brag about tomorrow because we dont know what tomorrow will bring. We're just here for a little while -- however long God seems fit. I know what I want but I have to let go and let God do what HE wants.

In less than 2 weeks time, God has completely shattered bondages that I have been in. He has supernaturally broken me out of things that I had given up hope of ever being free of. I look at who I am today and who I was at this time last week, and I am amazed at the difference. For the past 6 or 7 days, I have read my Bible at least once a day -- this is something that has been a struggle for me. I find myself listening to Christian music alot more and I'm even considering switching from XM Radio to Sirius because they have a slightly better selection of edifying music.

With all of that said, I am realizing that there are alot more changes coming my way. They are changes that are unknown to me. The only thing I know is that the other end of the changes will be some awesome Joy.... what happens between now and then is totally unknown. How much pain am I going to endure? Who is going to be there with me? Even the "Where am I going to be living" question has come up. I realized this weekend that my heart really is in NoVA -- but its not totally into living in NoVA. Less than 2 hours away is what I enjoy and also a more manageable cost of living.

I have realized some important things. One of the biggest things is that if my true desire is to have a family and to be the best husband and father I can be, then when I start working towards that, a very serious era of my life ends. I have been working 80 hour weeks between New Life and MFC. It was what I wanted but that time seems to be coming to an end. God is about to move me into a new era of my life and I'm not sure what it is going to involve. My heart has never been in corporate america, but it was where I needed to be.... It may be possible that its time for me to work more towards what my heart has. I always said that if MFC got in the way of New Life, I would have to quit MFC and find another job that would allow me to work with New Life. Thats not exactly the case but it is raising some questions in my mind. Where is God taking me? I can't answer that. I carnally wish I could... but my soul knows that whatever happens is what is right.

I'm not going to lie to anyone. I'm scared to death. I remember making the move to Florida. It took me a span of 3 days to drive down to Florida, yet when I went up to PA to visit, I made it in 15 hours. I stopped 2 nights in a row at a motel on the way down and just layed and bawled my eyes out. I had never been more scared in my life.... but at the same time, I knew it was what I had to do. My heart kept pushing me forward and I look back and now know that those 4 months were quite possible the best months of my life. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was preparing for that move. I'm pretty certain that whatever move is about to come my way isnt going to take me too far physically, but I think that emotionally and mentally I may be pushed to a whole new phase.

Now is the time where I ask you for help. Whatever is coming my way, I am not going to be able to do on my own. I need prayer and I need people who are really strong in my life. I need people that I can rely on not to leave me or second guess where God is taking me. I need encouragement. Please keep me in your prayers and please be there for me. I pray that I can be there for you as well.

I am really scared but I also am really excited. I thank God for everyone who reads my blog. I thank God for my family and for my friends. I thank God for Kim... and I thank God for the people in my past who have made me who I am today. I thank God for those people at nLayer, MFC, Pull the Plug, and Defender Hosting.... all of them have been great influences on me and have helped me accomplish so many things.

Good things are coming.... I'm working my best to keep focused on God's plan and figuring out what He has for me.

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