One of the hardest things that I face is something I face over and over again. I find someone that is worth fighting for and someone that I go to the ends of the earth for... and I'm told I'm worth so much but yet when it comes down to fighting for me, I'm all of a sudden not worth what I was told I was.
There is a lesson in all of this, I'm sure. Well, I know for one that I have to learn that I can not help everyone. I dont understand. But as has been the theme God is pushing on me -- its in my weakness that He is strong.
I dont understand why things happen how they happen. I dont understand why Tiff and I talked for hours last night -- why last night of all nights. And why did I stress so much that I could not go visit Tiff even tho she wanted me to because it wouldnt be fair to Kim. Some people tell me that I think of others more than I think of myself but maybe I have joy when I can help someone else.
As you may have guessed by now, I'm single again. Kim's family does not approve of me and I respect Kim's decission that she needs to break it off. My God is stronger than this and I will make it through. It hurts.... more than anyone will ever know.
Many girls I dated ended the relationship by saying the really did love me. I have never believed a word of it -- until now. Kim loved me.... She loved me whole heartedly. I guess thats why it makes it so hard. To me, love is something that endures... This is something I will struggle with. I know in my heart that Kim loved me... yet in my mind, I know that love should overcome anything. I told Kim tonight that as long as her decission was based on what her heart was telling her, then everything was going to be just fine. In this situation, I will believe what my heart is telling me: Kim loved me.
So I'm still here at work.... and I guess now that the phone call is over, so is my break. I'm going to try my hardest to get things done quick because I'm really trying to hold the tears back until I get home.... this is going to proove to be very difficult. But I'll keep my chin up and put this in God's Hands. For the first time I really honestly know what is meant by "Its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Kim changed my life and I will always be a better person because of her.