Monday, March 20, 2006

You know, I've been thinking about something as I went to get something to eat.... Thinking about alot of things in my life and I've realized something.

Most people look at who they are and they can look back over their lives from the time they were kids at the positive things that made them who they are. Its never been a secret that I'm a very different person, but its really occured to me that my life was full of alot of negatives which is why I am who I am today.

This isnt meant to mean that I've had a life with no positives at all. In fact, the biggest impact in my life that produces my two biggest goals/values in life (unity and opposition to persecurition, specficially homosexuals) was very positive: Living in Florida for 4 months and working for Disney.... Unless, of course, you count all of the opposition I had regarding that move and the "I told you so"'s when I got back.... But the thing is, I am who I am because of the negatives.

Many people find things that dont look so great and then later they realize they are great. My attitude is always "innocent until proven guilty" ... If I meet someone, they arent negative until it is proven..... and this is actually the source of a lot of my pain. The thing is that I look at everything as a positive until it turns negative and in almost all situations, it turned into a negative. Odder still are the things that were logically negatives that turned out to be the best decissions (dropping out of higher school, for example).

Think of the huge things that have occured in my life. The people that have been in my life... the opposition that I faced. Look at the girls that I have dated that were really great relationships that turned into complete disaster (amber, kendra, tanya, tiff, etc -- one exclusion being I met Eli out of dating Tanya and that WAS a positive). All of these relationships were completely negative in the end.... even tho many of them were looked at by me, as well as others, as really great relationships. Look at jobs.... the disasters that struck at export moose, b4futures, helicon, computer connections, eicomm, carpathia, etc. There were some positive things that came out of those but the overall results were disasterous... Look at what I went through as a member of CFC. Most dont know the story about when I was brought before the missions board and was completely attacked and told that I was not worthy to serve God on a missions trip.....

I've had a life full of negatives to make me who I am.... which is probably why I'm an awkward person. Everyone faces negatives but most can look at the positives in their lives that developed them into who they were. I, on the other hand, was developed into who I am today by a string of negative events with a few positives -- the exact opposite of most people. Not that I would change any of that..... but I guess what needs to be said here is that I am built on a totally different foundation than almost all other people. And I also have to say that I feel very blessed that I am who I am. Most people who are built on a foundation of negatives turn out to be not-so-good people. In that aspect, I guess that I am a miracle.

The one problem with this is I dont know where I am today. Am I to expect more negatives to occur to produce me into a better person or am I at a point where positives will begin happening. Working at New Life is absolutely incredible. Tho I faced some very hard persecution with some changes I made with email and probably will face more of that in the future as I move New Life into a new position technologically, I have some key people that are really encouraging me and they are constantly thanking me. And I also dont feel that this "persecution" was something target towards me.... many people cant see the good on the other end of making some minor adjustments so they think the changes are stupid. I dont take any of that as something against me..... but the thing is, I really believe that I am appriciated.

But in other aspects... where am I? Working for MFC is awesome and I'm enjoying it.... but others are attacking me by other means to try to make this relationship misserable for me. They havent succeded yet.... but I assume they will keep trying. I dont give up easily and won't give up in this scenario either. To those that are attacking me I guess I only have to say this: Bring it on! Look above and you will see that the more negative that is brough on me, the better of a person I become. Sure your words and actions may sting me but in the end, you lose. Working for MFC is great and I will hold on to that. It works out really really well and I'm not going to let go easily.

The one other aspect is friendships. This is becomming a very hard area for me. I, again, am starting to feel like an extreme outcast. I'm the person that is told they are a friend but yet never gets invited anywhere.... I'm the friend that is the least important... if you make plans with me, it is completely acceptable to break them when someone else has a better option. It is hard for me to do all that it is I do without being able to relax with friends. Whats worse is feeling like you are no one in the eyes of your friends. Friendship is something that I view as sacred.... and friendship involves fighting for just that. Friendship does not mean that you rush in and try to save your friend when they are down.... friendship is sharing in the great moments of his or her life. Friendship isnt something that exsists only when it is convient..... I guess the same is true inside relationships as well. I try my hardest to be there for my friends in good and bad scenarios.... I'm not perfect, the same as everyone else.... but attitude is a huge thing. Its not hard to see where someone's heart is.... and what scares me is that I'm not seeing any room for me inside of my friend's hearts. This is hard on me and has created a real struggle for me. If you told me that my friends didnt care about me, I would tell you that you were wrong.... but if you told me that I wasnt important to my friends, then I might have to agree with you. This is a hard place for me to be.... and it's actually where I have been my whole life it seems. Aside from a few key friends like Matt Shafer and Steve McGuire, I'm always left to question where I stand in the eyes of my friends.

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