Friday, March 24, 2006
I don't care anymore... There is already enough stress on me to worry about who said what about me, who humiliated me, who hates me, or whoever is upset with me. I guess I've always tried to have a few people around me as my release.... as those people failed me, I expanded to relying on other people for support.... The end result is I'm more stressed than I was to begin with. I fail people.... I fail people alot. I wish that at some point in my life I could find someone who embraces me for who I am, including my flaws... but thats alot to deal with since I seem to have more flaws than I have good points about me.... Maybe someday I'll get back as close to God as I once was and I wont have to worry about anyone in my life.... I've failed God and I've failed my friends. It's sometimes really hard to figure out what the point of my life is. There are alot of people out there that are loved by many and are popular and who fail a heck of a lot less than I fail.... I'm certain they could be much more effective than me in the things that I do.... why does God need me? It used to be that even posting here helped because there were alot of people that would email me or leave comments and encourage me.... but people have stopped.... I dont get responses to my emails.... Apparently, I really am too much to deal with. Now this blog is a place for people to link to and publicly humiliate me -- even people that barely know me. But that is something that I am ok with. This is me and this is who I am.... If there is any hope of me making an impact on someone's life, I hope it is because they get to see that I am a real person with real struggles. I am proud of who I am even tho it isn't much. I'm not proud of when I do hurt someone, and I wouldnt want to publicly humiliate anyone.... but who I am is something I am proud of. Being able to handle the things that I am handling in a completely honest manner is really a great feeling. Yes, it hurts that people are opposing me like they are.... and I guess I make it easy for them because I expose myself so much.... but this is who I am.... I dont hide behind any mask... what you see is what you get... and I'm sorry but its not much. If you want to attack me because of who I am, then that is your option and that is part of who you are.... Every person is their own person and their actions are that of their own. It's not my place to judge what is right and what is wrong and I do my best not to do that.