There is only one thing that can really be said about me right now.... I'm a complete mess.
I can't sleep at all.... I can barely lay down.... yet I'm tired as crap.... Every hour that passes I get sicker and sicker. What started as a headache has now progressed to nauseau and sore throat and .... ugh.... My mind won't stop...... I'm losing faith second by second. I don't see much hope anymore.... hope that I saw just 24 hours ago isnt there anymore. I have no one to reach out to.... they people I thought I could are gone.... some are even attacking me. I really don't know what purpose I server. I'm just realizing more and more how much of a horrible person I really am. It's the only thing that makes sense. People have a max time in my life of about a year.... after that, they just seem to disappear.... It only makes sense that that is about the most that anyone can handle of me. Then there is Tiff.... that went beyond a year and we see how much that screwed things up. People can't deal with me.... and even if they could, its more important to note that they dont want to deal with me. I'm just a person who screws up and lives in sin daily. It seems that so many things I touch turns to crap. The more I think about this, the more amazed I am that some people can even deal with me for a month. What do I have to look forward to? Even if it was one month in the future, I loved looking forward to the time that I would get to see someone or do something..... but I dont have that anymore. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. There is no one in my life that really means anything to me anymore.... it's all just drifting away.... everything is drifting away. There is nothing to put my hope in anymore. I'm misserable.... and I have nothing to look forward to.... nothing in the future.... Just more pain.... This isnt life.... This isnt what I want to be.... I want to have a future, but I dont. There is no future happiness anymore.... there is nothing for me.
I really just wish I could go to sleep right now... but I cant.... this tossing and turning is killing me. I feel so misserable. I dont want to go on. I'm not even worth 30 mins of hanging out with to talk and get something at starbucks... and dinner? Hah... Just read these last few paragraphs. I mean, really... would you want to be around this misserable existance of a person? Obviously not.... I used to think I had nothing to do because of my schedule at Carpathia.... now I realize that there just isnt an interest.... No one wants to be around this mess.... Hell, I dont even want to be around this mess that is myself.
I have nothing to offer any of my friends..... nothing to offer any girl..... I have nothing to offer God. I'm worthless.... I'm just on this earth using up resources that could be given to someone who actually is worth something to so many people and to God. I'm just a hinderance to the entire world.
Oh, and by the way.... I dont want to hear about how I'm all wrong..... if anyone really truly believed that, they wouldnt have let me get to this point.