Monday, March 27, 2006

This is getting somewhat annoying but I'll adapt. I went to bed at about 9:30pm last night.... I was just so mentally and emotionally drained that I just needed to lay down and rest.... But at midnight, I was up.... and I've been up ever since. I tried going back to sleep multiple times but I just tossed and turned. So going to bed early last night was supposed to get me extra rest that I needed and I ended up only getting a little over 2 hours.... But here it is almost 5:30am and I still can't sleep.... I feel pretty good right now so I'm just going to start my day. There is alot of work to do at the church office this week so its probably not a bad idea to get started.

I guess the biggest problem is that there is just so much on my mind right now... and so many things that I need to get done. I'm not really so much worried about New Life and MFC but its the little odd jobs that are stacking up against me.... Helping friends and relatives.... and I just simply am not able to make the time for them that I would like to. I havent talked to even my mom in weeks.... I tried to call Friday when I had some time but she was busy and then later I was busy again. I'm just really starting to feel bad about this stuff.... I'm trying... I really am.... and the other tough part is people dont understand how much it easier for me to communicate with email than on the phone.... But I know everyone else wants to discuss things and get things resolved on the phone but it just doesnt work for me.... email is so much easier for me because I am a multi-tasker. Half my life is waiting on a computer to do something so in those moments, I can work on another project for a brief period of time.... this is perfect for sending an email response but if I start a phone conversation, it goes on for a while and next thing you know, my other project gets pushed back, I get distracted and things get frustrating.

I'm trying... I really am trying..... The fortunate but also unfortunate thing is that I have a lack of people to hang out with and such so to keep myself busy, I'm working on these projects... but at the same time, I dont have any way of relaxing.... and, for me, there is no such thing as relaxing at home.... unless I'm with someone else doing something, I always end up going back to working on something..... which wears you out. I dont like being idle.... which is another blessing and curse all at the same time. I just can't relax.... Maybe this is why I feel so much better when I am in a relationship.... being able to cuddle up with a special girl and watch a movie or something like that is the best way that I have ever relaxed.... I dont date someone that I dont care about so as a result of that care for her, she becomes important to me and time with her is important and is precious. No, I don't need a girlfriend... and I really have adjusted to that frame of mind.... but it is something I desire and I'm pretty sure whenever God shows me that special girl, things will be alot easier and more exciting for me. Sure, I've made my mistakes in relationships and I'm sure I will again.... but this is life... maybe I've destroyed some.... maybe the other person destroyed some... it doesnt matter. What ended was for a reason no matter why it ended. There is a special girl out there for me and I'm looking forward to the time that I meet her (or realize who it is if I already know her).... but for now, I just want to hang out with friends... I want to be able to sit and talk with people.... It's always been an important thing to me that a relationship be built on friendship.... So to get to the relationship, I need to build a friendship anyway.... but just because I'm building a friendship, doesnt mean that I feel that person is the one... it's just because I want a friendship with someone who seems to compliment my life.

I know there are a few people that still remain that care about me.... I'm sorry for the pain I'm causing you. I'm really trying hard...... And to all my friends and relatives that I havent had a chance to help with computer issues and such, I am really sorry... I'm trying hard with that too. I know I'm creating alot of pain to some people right now.... please be paitient with me. I'm a diamond in the rough.... I'm not the Potter but the clay.... if you think something is wrong with who I am, please ask the Potter to adjust me.

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