Saturday, March 25, 2006

I'm really concerned about myself. I am still feeling a little emotion but I'm slowly becomming more and more numb.... Along with that it seems I'm becomming more anti-social. About the only person I really talk to anymore is Keith.

Right now I'm at Becca's birthday party. I'm kind of just sitting and watching everyone. I'm watching and feeling excited because the way everyone just let's lose and have fun. These people help make up the greatest church in the world. And what makes me happy is this attitude is what I always wanted to find in a church. Also watching my pastor and his wife interact with their kids, especially their 3 year old, just makes me smile. I long for the time I have my own kids to care for. This is how I know I'm not completly emotionally numb......

The problem is I don't feel excitement like I used to. I don't even feel sadness like I used to. Right now I know I'm emotionally in pain, but I don't really feel it. People ask me how I am doing and I don't know how to answer.

The anti-social thing is scaring me too.... And the worst of all is that being in big groups right now is killing me but everyone around me hates hanging out one-on-one..... So I try to adapt but I clam up and just make things worse. This has been progressing for a while and now I'm shy around people I'm close to. I overcame feeling this way years ago but now I'm falling back into it. I'm affraid of people hurting me because I've been hurt too much already.... But ill try again and the guess what.... I get hurt. Then this cycle turns into me hurting others..... I push them away... No one wants to be around me at all... And alongside that, I don't want to be around them either because ill just bring them down.

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