Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I guess I kinda delayed at making this post..... Truth is I slept all day.... Woke up maybe 3 times this morning and afternoon but I was just so scared for this day to come that I kept forcing myself back to bed..... but it got me some sleep which I did need.

Truth is... this day didnt turn out too bad. I was scared to death tho.... walking out to my car to come to work I felt butterflies... I was really scared... but as I was driving God just let this total peace fall over me.... and I just was reminded that He was in control and that what is coming my way is greater than what I have now. I just relaxed and when I got to work, things weren't bad at all. They were alot better than I thought.

So I know your wondering what happened... and where am I now.

I've learned alot of things in the past week. First at foremost was trust. You have to be careful at who you trust. In the last week my privacy was violated. If anyone knows what HIPPA laws are, those were violated against me. That issue is dropped right now. I'm not going to pursue anything... people make mistakes and thats fine. Work really was bad in the past week.... well, actually, I didnt work in the last week.... things got really out of control and I was supposed to do this and that for my health and it just turned into fights every which way and it ended up that everyone just finally said for me to just shut everything off and ignore the fact that I work for a company.... that was Thursday until today. I'm back into the swing of things now and I feel good about it. The time off was great. That was also a big reason for the blackout. One was because someone violated HIPPA and I didnt want to go on and on about stuff, and the second was I needed to just step back and clear my head and let things fall into play. They did.

After I started my blackout and my vacation from everything, the worst thing happened to me. Tiff and I were talking and, well, the end result is she broke up with me. I've faced the I-Told-You-So's already so don't bother. Alot of people say that I need to just let her step back from all of this for a little bit and that things will work out and we'll be back together soon. I dont know which way to believe but I know that I'm not going to tie myself down to this. Truth is that I had alot to do with this.... Monday and Tuesday were bad for me.... I was sick and grumpy and I really acted like a complete ass towards Tiff. I realize now how much I put her through. Tuesday night when I was in the ER the doctor told me some things.... One of my biggest concerns while I was in the ER was her.... and he said that I do have a big responsibility to make things right.... but that if she felt she couldnt be with me during this time where I heal and get better, then it was best to let her move on and let things fall the way they will. I love her... I will always love her... and if her being away from me makes her happier, then I will accept that and I will be happy in the fact that she is happy. Where is all of that going? I dont have a clue.... but I know that God is in control.

I guess in all of that I understand the story of Peter a little bit better. Tiff promised me multiple times that she would never leave me..... she said that she was not going to be like all the other girls and she wasn't going to let my problems push her away. I guess in the same way Peter promised that he would never deny Jesus. He passionately promised that.... but in the end, he did. And it didnt mean that Peter loved Jesus any less... it just meant that he was human... just like the rest of us. Tiff promised something and in reality she wasn't able to keep that promise. No fault to her... the very same could be thrown back on me too.... both Tiff and myself are human.... and we both make mistakes. I guess the lesson learned is that "never" is a word that really can't be used with "promise" because like was said in James, our life is nothing but a vapor. We dont know whats going to happen and we can only look to God and let our steps be ordered of Him.

Where am I going? I don't know. Am I leaving Carpathia? Well, thats probably what is going to happen..... but who knows for sure. Am I gonna be back with Tiff? I don't know that either.... Honestly... I dont know whats going to happen in the next hour. My life is a vapor and I need to live it as such. I need to let God lay my life out and then just follow his plan. It's hard to do some times. Like the construction worker who reads the blue prints and thinks that the architect made a stupid decission.... if he were to change that in his little section of the building then the entire building might not be able to stand. The architect knows how the entire building is designed... the construction workers only know their section. It's the same way with us.... we need to focus on the plan that God gave us because he can see the whole picture. If we stray from that plan then the entire body of Christ might not stand as well.

I know more pain is probably coming. But I have to accept that and move towards it. If I could go back and erase all of the pain I ever had.... even if I could erase one piece of pain, I would not do it. God has given me a heart based on what James said.... Count it all Joy. You know what... thats exactly what I am doing.... I can no discount the pain that I have been through. Every horrible thing that I have gone through has only made me a better person. I don't curse any of the pain I have gone through..... I cant say I enjoyed it... but I can say that it has made me who I am today... and Bob today is more the person God wants him to be than the Bob of 2 years ago. It's a matter of letting Him shape me. Even the pain that Tiff and I have gone through. It has made us better people. Maybe it was for us collectively or maybe just for each one of us individually. I can't answer that. But I will not take the pain that Tiff and I have experienced and make it worth nothing. I will count it all Joy and I will know that it was all part of the process of God making us the people that we are meant to be. Tiff made her decission to not be with me.... I will accept that and I will take Joy in knowing that I let Tiff make the best decission for herself. I need to be happy that she is happy. And maybe we'll get back together... who knows? But the pain we went through.... it wasn't worthless. If it was that pain that pushed Tiff away, then that is what needed to happen.

So where am I? Well, it looks like I am on my way out of Carpathia.... it looks like I'm single.... but honestly... where is that going? I don't have a clue. I don't need to know. It is only my job to understand that God is in control and that He will not let me go. Humans fail.... Humans promise to never leave someone and then they do... thats part of our nature.... but God does not fail. God promised to never leave me... and I know that He won't.

Keep me in your prayers as I continue on my adventure. And thank you for the prayers that all of you have already invested in me.

God Bless!

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