Wednesday, June 08, 2005

[01:39] jcdreamer23: hi how are you?
[01:39] bblboy54: well that's a loaded question
[01:39] jcdreamer23: sorry didnt mean it to be
[01:39] bblboy54: but it can be summed up in the fact that I was in the hospital tonight
[01:39] jcdreamer23: ok. and?
[01:40] bblboy54: my head is playing games with me again
[01:40] jcdreamer23: ok
[01:40] jcdreamer23: but you're home so that's good right?
[01:40] bblboy54: yea
[01:40] bblboy54: im not a danger
[01:40] jcdreamer23: well that's good
[01:40] bblboy54: just really messed up
[01:40] jcdreamer23: I can understand that
[01:40] bblboy54: my only fear is that Im gonna push tiff away
[01:41] bblboy54: she doesn't deserve to deal with my crap
[01:41] bblboy54: all the crap that I cant yet control
[01:41] jcdreamer23: when you love someone it's not about deserving, it's part of the package
[01:41] jcdreamer23: and I'm sure all she wants is to help you get through
[01:41] bblboy54: yea
[01:41] bblboy54: but im mean jo
[01:41] bblboy54: im downright mean
[01:42] jcdreamer23: well I think too much and bug people and need reassurance and stress about stupid stuff. so... mean sounds easier to deal with
[01:43] bblboy54: well
[01:43] bblboy54: that's why im mean, actually
[01:43] bblboy54: because i need reassurance
[01:43] jcdreamer23: you're testing?
[01:43] bblboy54: yup
[01:43] bblboy54: *taken back a bit*
[01:43] bblboy54: jo.... how do you know that?
[01:43] jcdreamer23: you push to see how hard they work to stay with you? to stay in your life?
[01:44] bblboy54: *stunned*
[01:44] bblboy54: yes
[01:44] jcdreamer23: because I do it. because we have that in common, among so many other things
[01:44] bblboy54: but....
[01:45] bblboy54: no one is supposed to understand me
[01:45] jcdreamer23: lol
[01:45] jcdreamer23: sorry. I do
[01:45] jcdreamer23: and I feel that too
[01:45] bblboy54: my god
[01:45] jcdreamer23: but people do understand.
[01:45] bblboy54: I never realized
[01:46] jcdreamer23: I don't say much about it. I sit back and just try to use my experiences to help everyone else
[01:46] bblboy54: I'm just so unrational about thing
[01:46] bblboy54: s
[01:47] jcdreamer23: yup. and you want to relax but your mind does laps inside your head.
[01:47] bblboy54: because I think that everyone is more important to tiff than me
[01:47] jcdreamer23: because you can't see how you can be the most important person to anyone, especially because she's so important to you
[01:48] jcdreamer23: am I wrong?
[01:48] bblboy54: no....
[01:48] bblboy54: your exactly right
[01:49] jcdreamer23: *nods*
[01:49] bblboy54: and I go so far as to "break up" to see if she lets me go or if she fights me
[01:49] jcdreamer23: but the thing is, you are important to her. she's dealing with alot too and most likely wants to help but not add to what you're dealing with. you both want to lean on each other but not add to each other's problems
[01:49] jcdreamer23: that's the test. and so far she's passing right? she fights to keep you
[01:50] bblboy54: yea but I keep doing it
[01:50] bblboy54: she's still here, so yes
[01:50] jcdreamer23: because she has realized at least that much. that she has to make sure you know... ok. you keep doing it because you're still struggling to believe you're worth it.
[01:50] jcdreamer23: the effort, the fight, the love. and you are. now YOU have to believe that.
[01:52] bblboy54: she's the love of my life
[01:52] jcdreamer23: yes. and she loves you too.
[01:52] jcdreamer23: but you have to be who you want to be for yourself first. then for her.
[01:52] bblboy54: but why cant I control what I do?
[01:53] jcdreamer23: it's a constant struggle. and you won't be able to one hundred percent. but a little bit at a time, you start with one thing. and work up. I know, sounds dumb. but really it can help.
[01:53] bblboy54: yea but I'll keep hurting her in the meantime
[01:53] jcdreamer23: start with waking up and thinking positive for the day. and at the end, make a list, in your head, write it down, type it out, of the GOOD that happened that day.
[01:53] bblboy54: and I don't want to
[01:54] jcdreamer23: no of course you don't. but she loves you and if you work toward a point where you won't hurt her (as much, all couples hurt each other at times) then its worth it
[01:54] bblboy54: she's definitely worth it
[01:55] jcdreamer23: well of course she is. but I"m saying, in this case, the end will justify the means. as long as you are working toward that end. that's all.
[01:55] bblboy54: but its gonna take months.... can she deal with that? do I even want to put her through that?
[01:56] jcdreamer23: ahh. now that is her choice. she chose to be with you, she wants to be with you.
[01:56] jcdreamer23: and if she can't deal, then you can find a way together to help you both. somehow
[01:56] jcdreamer23: you can't give up the people you love to spare them the pain. it doesnt work that way. they'll get hurt anyway
[01:57] bblboy54: .... yea
[01:57] jcdreamer23: really
[01:57] bblboy54: I just feel like her life would be so much better if I never walked into it
[01:57] jcdreamer23: no
[01:57] jcdreamer23: not true at all
[01:57] jcdreamer23: I dont think she would agree either
[01:59] jcdreamer23: you're special. and bring so much good. no you aren't perfect so people get hurt. but no one's life would be the same without you in it. everyone is better off having known you. that's the way it works with good people.
[01:59] jcdreamer23: and you are a good person
[01:59] bblboy54: thanks Jo......
[01:59] bblboy54: it means a lot from someone who understands
[02:00] bblboy54: I didn't think anyone understood....
[02:00] bblboy54: I knew you and I had a lot in common but im shocked
[02:00] bblboy54: we're identical
[02:00] jcdreamer23: and when I figure out what it takes to get through it, I'll try to pass it on to you.
[02:00] bblboy54: you and I need to keep in touch more
[02:00] bblboy54: I need someone who understands
[02:01] jcdreamer23: yeah. which is why I back off sometimes. because I know EXACTLY what you're going through but can't help you the way I want. ... yeah I know.
[02:01] bblboy54: the way you want?
[02:02] jcdreamer23: I can't ... I can't take away the pain you're feeling, I can't make it better, I can't tell you how to feel better... idk
[02:02] bblboy54: *hugs*
[02:02] jcdreamer23: I wish I could do more for you when you're going through a bad time and I'm not.
[02:02] jcdreamer23: or at least when I'm on a more even section of life. lol
[02:02] bblboy54: you need to visit me
[02:03] jcdreamer23: I know. I do. soon
[02:03] bblboy54: I hope so.... I could use a hug from you
[02:03] jcdreamer23: I'll... mail you one :-P
[02:03] bblboy54: :)
[02:04] bblboy54: Jo.... would you mind if I used the first part of this conversation on my blog?
[02:04] bblboy54: I need to get stuff out
[02:04] bblboy54: and the first part of this did that
[02:04] jcdreamer23: nope, go ahead.
[02:04] bblboy54: :)
[02:04] jcdreamer23: if it helps, feel free

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