Just trying to get some thoughts out to hoppefully make me feel better....

I feel like I am such an ugly person.... like, looking in a mirror is like a horror for me.... I dont feel like anyone will ever see me as beautiful and... I guess things are coming together that my low self esteem in that area is creating the problems that I continually have that I spoke of a few weeks ago. I can't get free from that.... and really... if I never feel like I am a beautiful person in a 2-way relationship, I guess that explains why I would result to porn which is by nature a 1-way relationship.....

I have dealt with this my entire life. People in school always told me how ugly I was and how worthless I was... and... maybe my parents tried to encourage me but that was it.... but that didnt mean much beacause that is their job....

I am really struggling... really hurting... and really longing for something that I dont think I will ever find... I dont think it's possible to fine. I'm a smart person and I am working on being sucessful.... I really have a good heart.... things that people do tell me and do start to believe.... but im not beautiful in a physical sense... and unfortunately thats something that is by the way the God designed me.... its not something I can control....

I guess I just have to learn to live with it....