It's such a beautiful day.... I just wish my mood matched it.

I took a pretty short lunch so I'm gonna take a few mins to vent. Every day when I come into work Scott, our COO, goes "hey bob, how are you today" and I always say doing fine.... Today was my first realization of something.... Im not happy anymore.... Scott said that today.... he said that I always came in with a big smile on my face and so happy for life and the last few days I just havent been there.... and yaknow what... he is right. There are several things bugging me.... some I cant go completely into... some I can. First thing is obviously my car..... I am not ready to buy a new car... especially to finance a car and carry full coverage on it.... but it's looking like that is my only option. I simply can not rely on Beaster anymore.... its sad to say that but I just can't... so many things are going wrong. I wanted to move down here and get settled and then in about 6-8 months get another car but if I keep Beaster that long I'm sure in 6 months I'll have put enough money into that car that I could have bought another one..... it just doesnt make sense to let this car keep nickel and diming me.... but at the same point, I dont have enough money saved up to go the best route of putting a nice down payment down and/or buying a good used car from a private party.... my only real option is to try to find "special financing" as they call it and just bite the bullet. Can I afford it? Yea, I can probably swing it but its gonna hurt. I already typically only eat one meal a day and really dont do much. I bought a few things but since I've been down here I really have not bought that much. It's gonna hurt cutting back as much as I need to but I have no other choice.... hopefully people will come visit me beacuse I wont be getting out much.... nor will I be driving much either with the rising costs of gas.... go figure.... buy a car and you cant afford to drive it....

What else is bugging me? Well.... just when I do get out to eat or something I see so many couples that are there.... so excited to be with each other... you can just tell.... a kiss when someone gets excited.... Where is my life? This isnt what I planned for my life..... I wanted to be pretty close to being married and starting a family by now.... sure things dont go exactly the way you want all the time but there is a huge difference here. I wanted to be close to being married and working hard to be the best husband and father I could be... instead, I have to work very hard just to get a kiss..... it just kills me. And will I adjust? Sure... I am adjusting... some things are just worth it.... but im coming to a point where I'm questioning all of the adjustments I am making.... I am changing so much that I am sitting back and wondering if I am even me anymore. I dont feel like it... I feel like I am someone else.

I am just really having a rough time right now....