Saturday, May 06, 2006

Sometimes I think I'm in a downward spiral......

Today I went into DC with Jason and Jen and we went to the hollocaust museum.... it was really a good reminder of the things I saw when I was over in Germany and toured an actuall concentration camp.... The whole time going through it I just kept thinking why it is that I feel so horrible with the stuff that happens to me... I mean, it doesnt come close to what those people went through.... it doesnt come close to what Jesus did for me.... but yet, I feel so much pain... We then went to Old Ebbit Grill or something like that right across from the white house and it turns out Food Network was there doing a segment for Tasty Travels or something like that.... the film crew came over and specifically asked to film us eating, which they did right after we signed the waivers.... Yaknow, I actually really was having a good time there.... By this time we met up with Jason and Jen's friends who were also visiting DC from Pittsburgh and they were there with us. It really was a good time.... but then riding on the Metro back to Vienna I just ended up sitting there.... starting feeling really lonely.... I dont understand it.... I dont understand anything anymore... I'm getting to the point where I am starting to give up on alot of things... I dont know what to do.... Is this all because I hate being single? I really dont know. I mean, alot of it has to do with the fact that I dont get to hang out with people much.... and maybe thats why I was depressed riding back from DC.... not that I didnt enjoy my time with people but the knowing that it probably wont happen again for a very long time.... Maybe it was also that I was around 2 couples.... not that it bugs me being the fifth wheel.... but maybe it was subconcious? I just dont understand what it is that really has been getting to me.... I mean, I am hating being single more and more.... well, right now I am... I get to points where I'm ok with it.... but then it just lasts so long that I start getting discouraged again.... then you mix that with people giving up on me and people not wanting to be around me and, well, I just go nuts inside.... and I try to hide it which I guess is another bad thing.... but anytime I try to tell anyone how I feel, they are always there to push blame on me and make me feel even worse.... or sometimes it even creates a fight and I end up losing contact with that person.

Maybe someday I'll be happy.... Maybe someday I'll find her....

1 comment:

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