Saturday, May 27, 2006

So its been day break for quite some time and Im only half way to New
Alex.... Im so just.... I dunno..... I feel like im carrying the whole
world on my shoulders sometime and of course when I need help there is
no one there. On top of that, me being in NoVA is sometimes just like
throwing fresh meat in a lions den.... I cant say no to anyone... I
like helping people.... and the selfishness of NoVA just eats me
alive.... Im so backwards and strange I guess..... Last week I got a
bonus and I figured I'd get something that was actually for me so I
bought a watch..... And the last few days I've just beat myself up over
it.... Should I have bought a watch? That's $30 that I could have used
somewhere else.....

I guess the fortunate thing is that since I dont have many real strong
friendships and places to go and people to hang with I do have stuff to
do with helping so many people and putting alot into everything that I
do.... the bad thing is that, well... it eats me alive and I never get
a break.... but anymore, I dont know if I could take a break for
real.... For me to relax at all, I need to be with someone.... and the
more that time goes by, the less that becomes true.

Then of course this whole week I was so thankful that I was gonna be in
PA this weekend and taking somewhat of a break.... but so far there are
like 3 or 4 projects for me to work on once I get up there.... so much
for that break I guess..... I wanna be there for everyone, but at the
same time..... ahhh, whats it matter.... This me and I guess people
always will take advantage of me since I'm so easy to take advantage
of.... I'll deal.... I have for 26 years now so I guess I should be
used to it.....


Stephen McGuire said...

There is nothing wrong with getting something for yourself. Why not?

What father doesn't give his son's (or children) presents?

As for the stuff you have "planned" already, I think you need to do some research on setting boundaries. I know I'm the same way sometimes forgetting that there are only 24 hours in a day and you need to sleep for some of them. :)

One thought and I'll just throw it out there...Do you think that by agreeing to do to much you're in a way preventing your schedule from allowing you to just "relax" and "see people"? Two things that I know we both complain about the lack of?

Just wondering as I feel the same way sometimes.


Bob K Mertz said...

No matter how I look at it, I'm screwed... I feel crappy doing all the work, yet I feel worse not helping someone.

Stephen McGuire said...

Then I think we're back to boundaries. :)

Seriously, God wants us to help one another but he also wants us to have some rest. Maybe start by putting Sunday aside for you and God and not scheduling "help" and stuff like that.

That might give you a day to do what you need for yourself. Which might be working on your own machine(s). :)