The next couple of months at my life group are going to be painful for me I think. We're dealing with relationship.... and I left tonight really down.... One question that was asked generally was "Who do you rely on most? God, People, or your self" .... immediately an answer popped into my head... it was quite simple "I've given up" ... I didnt mention it out loud... after that question I kinda zoned out.... As much as I put effort into doing things for people, I've realized that I've pretty much given up on me... which may be why I dont say no to people when I'm too busy.... If I'm going to be misserable anyway, why not at least use that misery to help someone else.... at least someone can be happy. The reality of the situation is that I dont think I can do anything and as much as I seemingly trust people, somewhere I dont trust them and I believe that every human being will let me down and destroy me worse than I am. I made the decission before that I wasnt going to trust a girl so easily again.... and I did.... and when that backfired on me almost exactly a year ago, I think I've lost the ability to trust that anyone will help me or will take an interest in me. I cant rely on myself and I cant rely on others... the biggest problem of all is that while I'm serving God, I'm having huge issues trusting Him to make everything ok for me.... I'll say these words again and some people will read them here again and passively move onto the next website and forget them because I apparently dont know what I'm talking about.... but I'm emotionally a wreck.

The most pain of all tonight tho.... finding out that I'm not capable of a friendship, let alone a relationship. What I desire the most, I'm not even able to have.

And my sammy is back in PA.... tonight would be the night I'd love to hop in and drive around for a while...