Frustration is the theme of the weekend I guess......

See... financially I am struggling which I guess is no secret... I've been freaking out all week wondering how I'm going to pay my rent next week because I had to use my rent money to pay the past due balances to keep my electric and cell phone on.... and anyway, my dad came to visit this weekend so I told myself that I was just going to forget about everything and try to relax this weekend...

So I am on call... and I got a call... and it turns out a really big company needs to move with us on Monday.... this is a great oppritunity for Carpathia so I jumped on it and went way above and beyond what I should have had to do.... fully realzing that no matter what, nothing in doing this extra work would benefit me.... but this is my job and God tells us to do everything with all our heart... so I did. The thing is that basically EVERYONE in our company is on vacation this week... I dont understand how I get yelled at for wanting to take a day off because it leaves them short handed but the whole freaking company goes on vacation at the same time and leaves me with everything... fair? eh, whatever.....

So thats not the issue.... the thing is now I am being attacked for things I did wrong.... I am not trained in sales.... furthermore I confirmed alot of the stuff with the sales guy..... argh... either way, I'm getting attacked for things im doing wrong.... things that I shouldnt even be doing but I'm forced to do....

Honestly.... I just want to cry.... Just got back from Pizza Hut with my dad.... I walked in to my apartment with tears in my eyes.... I can't take this.... its all way too unfair... and its all my own fault for volunteering to do stuff that I'm not required to do. When I worked at Computer Connections everyone always said a statement that we had.... it was "No good deed goes unpunished" ... as much as I want to think the world is not like that, I am learning more and more that it is.... and Carpathia is showing that to me more than anything... the more I work and the harder I work, the more that becomes required of me.... I rise to the occasion and give even more and then the only thing that happens is I'm expected to do even more.... and it makes it even easier for the company to avoid putting someone else on payroll.... I mean... why would they? I'm doing everything, right? And the worst thing is I am doing this on a salary that is more than $10k less than the average salary in this county (according to US Labor, 2002).... a salary that isnt even coming close to paying my bills :(

God will provide... and whether or not Carpathia appriciates what I do, I know that God does... and I know that He will honor me for all of this. I just pray that He provides some relief soon.... My nature is to push myself beyond my limits... so far that I collapse under the pressure.... Its the way God made me... its actually the dedication that I want to have.... I know He will provide.... this is me... and I will always be the hard worker that I have always been... whether I am respected or not.... But God will lead me to the ultimate place... I will be blessed with peace and relaxation at some point and it will be greater than any.... because I know the effort that I do and the pain that I go through is only for the glory of Him and Him alone. It's not about worldly things... its about God's plan.

Today's sermon was about following God... and how people think that sometimes what God tells them is not safe... so as a result they dont do what He says.... He may say go to the most dangerous part of the world to preach.... thats not safe.... but whats even more unsafe is not being in God's will.... so maybe the effort that I put into Carpathia is not safe for me as a person, but it's God's will.... so its safer for me to do what God asks His followers to do..... and God will provide for me.... He will provide for the bills that my salary isnt paying and He will provide the relaxation that I need in His time.

Please keep me in your prayers!