Despite all the good that is going on I am still struggling with the rejection.... I cant understand what is going on... or even what I am to learn from all of this. I am being as strong as I can... and I think I'm doing pretty well... but the thing is, what is the deal with this whole Tiff thing. A few weeks ago when she broke up with me, it really changed alot of my way of thinking. Previously it had been really hard for me to open up to someone emotionally.... Tanya never got that... nor did anyone before Tiff.... I just had been hurt too much.... and with Tiff, I dont know what was different... for some reason I started really opening up emotionally. There is no doubt there were still issues because of my past but I really started letting her into my life.... things made sense at that point. Why did I go to Lock Haven for a year? Simple... it was to meet the girl of my dreams.... and I had always believed that. But now I have to question so much. Tiff broke up with me.... and the thing is she spent so much time convincing me that all the girls that ever hurt me were completely stupid.... Tiff put alot of effort into making me believe that I had something that was to be desired.... Tiff told me that she felt so blessed to have me.... and it was hard at first but I really started to believe these things more and more.... mainly because she stuck by my side even when things weren't right with me. And I loved her for that... it was what I needed.... I really needed to have someone that was just there for me.. unconditionally.... and Tiff promised me time and time again that she would never become those other girls. She convinced me that I was worth too much to her.... and then hell week happened. I was sick from stress and wasnt getting better... I ended up in the Emergency Room.... had to do all kinds of stuff..... and immediately following that instead of having that girl that promised to be there for me always.... instead of having her there to help me and support me, she broke up with me.... she said she needed time.... she said that she was worried she would lose me all together by doing that but she wanted to keep in touch..... what happened? I havent heard from her... I've been ignored from her... I got one letter.... no IM's, no phone calls, no text, no email..... I dont understand it....

Lots of things are going through my mind right now..... One is why did I go to Lock Haven? Apparently that was nothing but a waste of time and money.... but then... why did I open up to Tiff? Why was she the one I felt comfortable finally opening up to? Why? What was different? Why did God let me meet her and let me pull her away from the guy she was going to marry? Why was I so sure that she was the one I was going to marry? Why did I believe the things that she told me?

I really wonder what would be different now if she didnt stay in DuBois.... Things were being set up perfectly for her to leave there.... but she wouldnt... Over the last week I have had nightmare upon nightmare of her parents hating me... and even some instances of Jim.... Would things have been different? Was this confusion that she has again the result of her parents? I think there is a good possibility. But I dont know.

.... I just gotta get over this.... I really have to.....