I was sitting in church at Christian Fellowship (for those of you not playing along at home, this is the church I went to in PA). CFC is still the same... And depending on how you look at it, its either good or bad. I've always believed something since I left Florida -- that is that God can not move in Greensburg because no one will accept everyone and work together. This is a direct contradiction of the book of Acts. When Pastor Roy came to CFC, it was the beginning of something new..... But where is it now? Still holding on to some legalism... A need for tradition -- something that needs broken. Is there anything wrong with CFC? Absolutely not! But are they (as a congregation) ready to grow? They want to.... But they won't do what is needed. There is a need to accept things.... God said in Isaiah that He is doing a new thing. God doesn't change but what He *does* sometimes changes. Sure there are different styles.... But its not what style you are but yet an acceptance of other styles. I can see so well that God is ready to pour out revival... But Western Pa, including CFC is not ready to let go of what is needed. As a Christian we need to accept Christians. Even if you don't agree, you must accept it. Is that person a Christian because he does this and that.... Well... Maybe but maybe not. But remember that Christian is a term that means relationship. We are all sinners. Its not our actions that get us in to heaven but our love and our compassion. Why then is what someone does going to make or break them as a Christian? Sure, what you do can affect your relationship and how strong it is but I'm talking more of style than actions. For instance, I sit here in jeans and a t shirt and I know someone is judging me for it. That is not right. It is a style. And there are sins as well. We have all lied... But ask someone if that makes you a non-Christian and they say no.... Why then do other sins not apply to that rule? Sin is sin. Isn't that what God said? We can't except sin but we must accept the person as a Christian if they say they are. It is not our place to judge them.

When I went to CFC I felt more free than ever... But now I see what God is doing in areas that people have attitudes that mock that of the book of Acts. Now I see that CFC is not free because as a congregation they won't allow themselves to be free.

What do I believe? I believe that God is not ready to give up on CFC. I believe a miracle is right around the corner... But I believe that as a congregation, things must change. Acceptance is important. Not acceptance of sin but acceptance of people and different styles. Discrimination is something of the world -- not of the Church!

But today wasnt all observation for me... I was certainly challenged.... I really seriously need to start taking up my sword.... I need to start reading the Bible more and more.... its needed... I cant be without it.

Its my day! :)

http://www.sysadminday.com/

Lots of feelings of loneliness today it seems. I don't need to cuddle to survive but with all that is going on right now, it would help so much. I have been accused of "needing" a girl to survive.... That's not really true anymore.... But I would really like to have that special someone.

Tiff is leaving for Indiana in a few days I think... I'm not really sure since I haven't heard from her in forever.... She popped on AIM last night but just as I went to IM here, she logged off. She said to make sure I update her with contact information and such.... But does she really care? I don't know what's going on with her. There may be some stuff she doesn't want me to know so she just avoids me. Truth is I'm doing fine without her but I still care about her a lot. I tried sending her some letters and stuff.... Either way... I hope IN goes well for her. As for me, I will just focus on what God has for me... And who He has for me.

I woke up today and I was feeling really good.... now all of a sudden I feel like I just want to cry.....

I dunno... I hope work goes well tonight.... but I really dont wanna go.... I need a break really bad....

I'm so sick and tired of being treated like a moron because no one else wants to take responsibility for something..... yes, of course I'm talking about at work. :(

Ok... really seriously not feeling good here :(

My current wish is nothing more than a salary I can pay my bills with.

Broken down, I have not had my medicine in weeks, I need new calipers for my brakes, I am $500 short for rent this friday and I am behind on cell phone and electric bills.... Not to mention my next pay check is already gone.......

Please, God..... Please provide soon.

We have lift off! Congrats to NASA and Space Shuttle Discovery!

http://www.tucsonweekly.com/gbase/opinion/Content?oid=oid:41348

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place


"Sometimes He Calms the Storm" by Scott Krippayne

For the last 5 mins I sat here staring at my blank blogger screen.... I need to say something.... I just dont know what. So I guess I'll type this and just post it and pray to God that these tears can stop and this pain can stop before I collapse again. This has to be the first time that I've ever opened Blogger to vent but the words just arent coming.

Frustration is the theme of the weekend I guess......

See... financially I am struggling which I guess is no secret... I've been freaking out all week wondering how I'm going to pay my rent next week because I had to use my rent money to pay the past due balances to keep my electric and cell phone on.... and anyway, my dad came to visit this weekend so I told myself that I was just going to forget about everything and try to relax this weekend...

So I am on call... and I got a call... and it turns out a really big company needs to move with us on Monday.... this is a great oppritunity for Carpathia so I jumped on it and went way above and beyond what I should have had to do.... fully realzing that no matter what, nothing in doing this extra work would benefit me.... but this is my job and God tells us to do everything with all our heart... so I did. The thing is that basically EVERYONE in our company is on vacation this week... I dont understand how I get yelled at for wanting to take a day off because it leaves them short handed but the whole freaking company goes on vacation at the same time and leaves me with everything... fair? eh, whatever.....

So thats not the issue.... the thing is now I am being attacked for things I did wrong.... I am not trained in sales.... furthermore I confirmed alot of the stuff with the sales guy..... argh... either way, I'm getting attacked for things im doing wrong.... things that I shouldnt even be doing but I'm forced to do....

Honestly.... I just want to cry.... Just got back from Pizza Hut with my dad.... I walked in to my apartment with tears in my eyes.... I can't take this.... its all way too unfair... and its all my own fault for volunteering to do stuff that I'm not required to do. When I worked at Computer Connections everyone always said a statement that we had.... it was "No good deed goes unpunished" ... as much as I want to think the world is not like that, I am learning more and more that it is.... and Carpathia is showing that to me more than anything... the more I work and the harder I work, the more that becomes required of me.... I rise to the occasion and give even more and then the only thing that happens is I'm expected to do even more.... and it makes it even easier for the company to avoid putting someone else on payroll.... I mean... why would they? I'm doing everything, right? And the worst thing is I am doing this on a salary that is more than $10k less than the average salary in this county (according to US Labor, 2002).... a salary that isnt even coming close to paying my bills :(

God will provide... and whether or not Carpathia appriciates what I do, I know that God does... and I know that He will honor me for all of this. I just pray that He provides some relief soon.... My nature is to push myself beyond my limits... so far that I collapse under the pressure.... Its the way God made me... its actually the dedication that I want to have.... I know He will provide.... this is me... and I will always be the hard worker that I have always been... whether I am respected or not.... But God will lead me to the ultimate place... I will be blessed with peace and relaxation at some point and it will be greater than any.... because I know the effort that I do and the pain that I go through is only for the glory of Him and Him alone. It's not about worldly things... its about God's plan.

Today's sermon was about following God... and how people think that sometimes what God tells them is not safe... so as a result they dont do what He says.... He may say go to the most dangerous part of the world to preach.... thats not safe.... but whats even more unsafe is not being in God's will.... so maybe the effort that I put into Carpathia is not safe for me as a person, but it's God's will.... so its safer for me to do what God asks His followers to do..... and God will provide for me.... He will provide for the bills that my salary isnt paying and He will provide the relaxation that I need in His time.

Please keep me in your prayers!

I like this article:


Web surfing costing businesses nearly $200 billion?

I think the best is the last line: I'm still waiting to see a good study done on how many hours the average employee spends doing work-related stuff online, at home.

Someone might be visiting me this weekend! It will be nice to have family actually visit me instead of me always having to visit them.... But then again, I better not get my hopes up. I hope they do come tho.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Just saw this in a friend's profile:

--Wait for the boy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person, wait for the boy who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter what the circumstances, wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile and when he smiles you know he needs you, wait for the boy who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, but loves it when you get all dolled up for him, and most of all wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously he is at the center of yours--

I want so badly to be that boy for someone. I want someone who will let me put them at the center of my universe. I wanna have someone to be proud of and actually is happy that I am proud of them... and someone that will let me be there for them... always, no matter what the situation is.

I'll find her someday, right?

*jumps up and down with excitement*


http://www.leesburg2day.com/current.cfm?catid=28&newsid=10791

"Alotta lives down the tube"
"All in the name of love, Adam"
-- Law and Order (Episode: High & Low)

People say to my wife, `What's he like?' What you see is what you get. It's just who I happen to be
- Fred Rogers

#138049 +(211)- [X]

[Uhh_Duh] relationships are so easy thanks to the internet.. you can establish and destroy them at the touch of a few keys!
[black-ice] it all starts with 3 letters, asl
[black-ice] and ends with stfu

Today is one of those days where I just have too much to think about. Usually its these days that I start looking forward to my dinner break very heavily but today ill probably work right through since I don't have any money. Its no wonder that I am losing weight.

I know that I am in God's hands.... And that is one thing I am very happy about. I know He is already taking care of all the problems I am having and all of the decissions I am and will be facing.

I pray that this weekend turns out to be very relaxing. There were a few things I was supposed to do but unless some of my stuff sells on eBay, I may have to cancel them. I am looking forward to not having to worry about work tho.

Thank God for the supernatural peace He gives me at times. I really needed it right now.

And thank you to whoever is praying for me.... Those prayers are felt and appriciated!

Open mouth, insert foot!

Why when you become positive about things getting better do they all of a sudden turn to crap again?

*sigh* I gotta continue to give this my all.... I hope God provides a way out soon tho.

*user puts on a big freaking grin*

Honestly.... is anyone REALLY surprised about this? :)

Unsealed SCO Email

Definately a night I could use some cuddle time.....

Sometimes I wish my personality and my morals would let me slack off every now and then. In most cases its a good thing that I am like this but it seems that I'm always abused because of it. At Carpathia, a lot of my frustrations have been cleared up or are being cleared up.... But I still bust my butt for this company more than I should have to. My salary nowhere near matches the amount of work that I do. This industry really requires the extra mile.... You may be in a situation where an important server is down and you have to work 3 days straight (72+ hours) until it is resolved... That is the industry. Abuse is when you have to work like this all the time for just day to day stuff. I am already working well above 100% but instead of being thanked for this effort, I'm only looked at as someone who will go above the call of duty and therefore it becomes expected of me. We add more and more huge customers yet we add no one to assist in taking care of those customers. As a result, it all falls on me. But what do I do? Well... I be myself and respond and just push myself more and more until I literally have drained every ounce of who Bob is.... then I push harder still and I eventually collapse. Seeing this repeat again I am starting to realize some things. I have been told some horrible things and have been critcized time and time again from friends and family because I expect things to be handed to me.... But the more I realize who I am, the more I realize that the problem is just the opposite. It is that I work hard... Very hard.... But I work for others and not myself at all... And this leaves me in a struggle that seems like I am looking for an easy way out but in reality, I am only looking for rest and relief from the part of me that will never give up.

I am who I am. This is who God made me. And He will lead me to where I need to be. Until He provides that rest that I so greatly need, I will give Carpathia not only the 150% I have been give but the 200% that is now required. God said that in all things I should honor Him. This means I need to behave like I am His child and keep pushing.... And it means I need to do that with or without respect. Someday God will bless me for this and give me the relief that I need. I can hope its soon, but all I can do is wait for His direction.

I remember when I was thirteen
I saw a picture on my TV screen
The Reverend Billy Graham and the people sing “Just As I Am”
And I felt like You were talking to me

And the whole world seemed to fade away
Until I heard my mother say
“Son, are you ok? Do you wanna pray?
And that became the hour I first believed

Chorus:
And next thing you know
I’m high and flying, next thing you know
My heart is in Your hands, next thing you know
There is no denying, next thing you know
I’m a brand new man

Well I wish I could say I always stayed right there
And I did until my freshman year
But the world was pulling me along way from thirteen
And You were calling but I didn’t hear

Still I knew there was something more
So one day my knees hit the dorm room floor
I said “If You’re there and if You really care
Come and talk to me like I was thirteen”

Chorus:

I Got a picture in my head today
Of how Heaven might look someday
I see the people there so I pull up a chair
And their stories they blew me away

‘Cause I can see it on every face
Their evidence of grace
And as I listen it occurs to me
Everybody’s got their own thirteen

(2X’s)
So what’s your story about His glory?
You gotta find your place in the history of grace

Chorus: (2X’s)

"Next Thing You Know (Thirteen)" by Matthew West

Lemme tell you 'bout this girl named Equeena I met
You'll never meet a girl like Equeena I bet
But if you ever shall than consider you blessed
She's rich beyond the natural so my spirit's impressed

Had an encounter with this gal at Grammatical show
She was looking unfamiliar but someone I'd like to know
So I thought possibly could she be of the same mind
Taken by her beauty but was anxious to find..
Out. See what this woman was all about
but I doubt I'll get the time of day so I'm out
I thought to myself, you'll never know until you ask her
Well, I tend to dig the chicks that do agree with my pastor
So I inquired 'bout her name she threw it out but I missed it
at first I had the jitters to nervous to even listen
Shook her hand said, "Hi, I'm Knowda or Verbs is what's preferred."
She cracked a smile like a baby and I'm glad that part occurred
With that she broke the ice the conversation was nice
Should I ask her for her number? Don't think twice
I tried to stay on my toes and kick the lines that were witty
and avoid saying things like, "Gee, Equeena you're so pretty!"
Kept my cool and maintained never thought she saw me sweat
But I never will forget the day that we met
She had an ill type of radiance you felt when her presence
With a certain type of glow like lamps that be florescent
Her own type of flav that stretched from head to toe
I think when she was made they went and dipped the mold in gold
The way she moved was angelic she my eyes dance
At first I was a skeptic at this love at first glance

A couple of hours have passed we've shared some things an we've laughed
In my book from one to ten she rates eleven and a half
You can tell she opened up as the time flew by
She was no plain Jane looking for the average Joe
Equeena had plans she's not the type to live trife
She wants to graduate from college wants to live a Godly life
She wants to go wherever she feel God leads her
Wants to hook up with a man that honestly feels he needs her
So the fact that we actually crossed paths it all seems odd
She let me know first off she wants a man who seeks God
So I thought BINGO! Can I please be a contestant?
Thanking God for early Christmas an unwrapped present
He must've reached into the heavens took the fixing's and the makens
and made the girl of my dreams that I could see when I'm awakened
The time drew near for us to part for the momento
got her little backpack took some paper and passed a pencil
Needless to say by that I was deeply flattered
taking note of her fragrance and the way her eyes have battered
I explained her the blessing just to meet her acquaintance
she gave a hug and I was like a king
It's like I can't just say goodbye somebody call the F.B.I
I've caught a case of the love bug and can't deny
But wonder why? We came so close at an escalated rate
I think she's in the Syllabus, man God is great!

Strong, bold and demanding that makes the girl outstanding
Often imitated and simulated but never is she replicated or emulated
Strong, bold and demanding that makes the girl outstanding
Often imitated and simulated but never is she replicated or emulated

"Equeena" by KnowDaVerbs

I feel really good today. I can certainly feel God's presence and His peace. I know that I am in His hands and that He is working on great things for my future. I am excited to see what is just around the corner for me. I also know that even though in some areas of my faith I am still just going through the motions I am progressing towards a deeper relationship with Him. He is worthy.

Alex, the brainy parrot!


http://www.primidi.com/2005/07/09.html#a1242

"Diversity" ... To so many Christians this seems like a swear word. Maybe it's interpretation and maybe it's different meanings.... but in the life that I have been going through and the things that I have seen, this word is a powerful word.

This all came to my mind today when I was leaving for church. I walked out of my appartment as my downstairs neighbors were also leaving for church. I'm walking out in my jean shorts and t-shirt with a burnt cd with a mix of pop and rock songs.... this couple was leaving in their dress clothes. I got in my 5 speed Cavalier, and they probably got in a nice lincoln or something.... I went to New Life where we make sure our music is heard... they probably went to a nice quite baptist style church. Of course there is alot of speculation on my part here.... but the thing that God showed me at that point, and then even showed me more through the day... is that diversity is beautiful. Diversity *IS* what the body of Christ is. We all have our different convictions and our different styles. We all wear different clothes... we listen to different music... we drive different cars... we go different places. But in the end, we all love God -- and we all want to server Him... we just do it in our own way.... and in those ways does not mean that anyone is less pleasing to God. God is interested in our hearts.... not our styles. It's our different styles that God uses to make us effective in different areas.

My first real understanding of the word diversity was when I started working at Disney. That company preached diversity.... yet I started hearing more and more about how churches and denominations put Disney down because of their emphasis on diversity. I honestly, from day one, never understood why. I am guessing because of the fact that in Disney's way of promoting diversity, they put alot of support toward the homosexual community. But honestly, lets think back to what Jesus' life was like in the Bible. Think of the woman at the well. Jesus asks her for a drink. This woman was a samaritan. She was a sinner... she was not a Christian.... but Jesus accepted her (John 4). In my life there is an odd thing that has been happening around me. I moved to FL to work for Disney world and the shock of my life occured down there. It was all related to diversity. over 90% of the males that worked in my department were homosexuals. Now, I was always a person that was really uncomfortable around that.... but God helped me deal with it... and I really hit a point where I was not comfortable with the sin, but I was comfortable being around it. I could tolerate it (uh oh, yes.. another swear word to some Christians: tolerance). I worked there and I did my job... and I did it the best that I could.... and I gave some of those people the only glimpse of Jesus that they would ever see. The biggest shocker of all was when I was transfered to Epcot center for the Tapestry of the Nations parade. In training I met this guy.... He always wore Christian T-Shirts.... You could tell that God was in his cares. The shocker was when I found out after getting to know him, that he was gay. I struggled with this for a while and then God spoke to me. Homosexuality is a sin. There is no way around that, but the homosexual is nothing more than a sinner. It is the same with the struggles that I go through.... and that others go through. What makes homosexuality so different than lying to someone? Absolutely nothing! Do we love people who lie any less and treat them like they are not a Christian? Not typically... usually in that case we can accept the fact that everyone makes mistakes... so why can't we accept that homosexuality is a sin....

Let's look at this from another angle.... We were told (in Mathew) to go into all the world and preach the Gospel..... We were also told that the gates of hell will not prevail against us. Did anyone stop to think what that means? The gates of hell won't prevail? There is logically only one way that the gates of hell would be a stumbling block and that is if we are storming those gates. Jesus went into hell and took the keys. Think about this.... God wants us to storm the gates of hell.... He wants us to be unstoppable to the point that we could run into hell and attack. Ok, no.. we're not going physically into hell... but the meaning and anaology that Jesus used is what we need to look at. But if we boycot Disney and we restrict homosexuals from our churches -- how are we storming the gates of hell? When I say we need to promote diversity, I dont mean that we need to tell everyone it's ok to be a sinner... the same way with the world tolerate. We dont need to tolerate the sin.... we need to tolerate the sinner. And if this means letting them go on doing what they do, then thats what it means. Keep it out of our lives, yes... but if you stop there and walk away from that homosexual, what purpose have you served in God's Kingdom? The only thing you have done is removed any positive exposure from them as well as completely turned them against God even more than they probably already were.

I live in Virginia now... and here I have to say that I have 2 friends that I could single out and say that they are my best friends in VA. Both of them are homosexuals. Why? I dont know why they are my best friends.... other than God is working something... I dont know what it is... I dont know where I'm going.... the point is, I love both of these guys with the Love that Christ wants us to show others. The one friend told me that he really saw me as being different than most Christians he met. People.... This guy hates Christians.... yet we're the best friends that we can be. This has to say something, doesnt it? My friend knows that I dont support homosexuality... I know that he doesnt support Christianity.... but I can still show the Love of Christ, can I not? When he told me that he thought I was so much different than any Christian he met before, I rejoiced. I dont want to be your "typical Christian" ... I want to be someone who is going to do the work of God. If this means accepting people for who they are, then that is what I am going to do.

When I lived in Orlando, God was doing something... and I'm sure He still is. And the Power that was felt in Orlando was because of diversity. Diversity both within the church and within secular society. Baptist churches working with Pentecostal chruches... Christians working with homosexuals.... There was a great move of God down there. Then you look at Greensburg, PA and see 20 churches on main street and not one of them knows what the one next door is doing.... and then people wonder why God isn't moving? Quit trying to save the saved! You may not agree with the same things I do... but we both love God... let's put our effort into reaching the people that need reached instead of arguing who is right. Going into all of the world doesnt mean leaving our country... it means leaving our comfort zones and our churches.... That is what going into the world means to me. Believe it or not, my 2 best friends in VA are part of the world too.

Crash
That was you and me
Started out so endlessly
Shattered on the ground
I hear the sound
Crash
Ringing in my ears
I still feel the sting of my tears
Someone wake me
I can't seem to break free

[Chorus]
Go on
Get out of my head
I'm on the wrong side of a parallel universe
Am I alive or just dead
I've been somewhere in the dark
Living in a crash world

Hush
Don't say one more word
At this point the truth seems observed
Cut to the word
If gone forever

Crash
Underneath the fears
Everything's so twisted and weird
Someone save me
I can't seem to break free

[Chorus]
Go on
Get out of my head
I'm on the wrong side of a parallel universe
Am I alive or just dead
I've been somewhere in the dark
Living in a crash world
[Other people] Crash world, yeah yeah

Slow motion
Devastation
Shoulda' seen it
But I couldn't do nothing
emotion
Desperation
Someone save me
I can't seem to break free

[Chorus]
Go on
Get out of my head
I'm on the wrong side of a parallel universe
Am I alive or just dead
I've been somewhere in the dark
Living in a crash world
[Reapeat twice]

[Other people] say twice Crash world, yeah, yeah

"Crash" by Hillary Duff

Something isn't right here.
You've gone and left me on the ground.
Something isn't right in this world called confusion.
You gave it all away before you could lose it.
Something isn't right here on the ground.
You never said goodbye.
You died.
You chose to carry on a lie.
Something isn't right here.
You've gone and left me on the ground.

"Something isn't Right Here" by Juliana Theory

Virginia is awesome! Oh... you thought I meant the state? :)

bash.org #80921 +(820)- [X]

TwilightKnight: all i do is wait for Desert crisis 1.5 and play counter-strike all day
Dr SpaZZo: Heh.
Dr SpaZZo: Which, by definition, means I have more of a life than you
Dr SpaZZo: Pity
TwilightKnight: well i was making out with a girl today
Dr SpaZZo: Liar
Dr SpaZZo: Theres no such thing as a "girl"
TwilightKnight: yes it is true!
TwilightKnight: they arent the tales and ledgends we thought them to be
TwilightKnight: they exist and live on the outside!
TwilightKnight: In the daylight!
Dr SpaZZo: Outside? Daylight? Now you're just making words up.

Life is an amazing thing. I'm actually doing ok but the first hour of work ticked me off so much it wasn't even funny. When it comes to work, I bust my butt.... That's just me.... But when I have to bust my butt because others don't want to, then there is a problem. It doesn't mean ill do any less.... But it does really tick me off.

Oh well... Such is life. Tomorrow could prove to be interesting. God is in control.

Characteristics of Codependency

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
4. My mental attention is focused on you
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
11. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

I kind of had a feeling that this list was going to match Tiff in relation to her parents.... but I didnt realize how much it matched me.... but according to other information from other sites the symptoms I feel are because of an insane love and care..... wow... this is interesting stuff.

I just had a really cool talk with Steve..... but the amazing thing is God let His peace fall on me instantly again.... just seconds before Steve called.

For now, I really do just need to wash my hands of Tiff. The issues that occured mainly were because I just loved her too much... and I think that she would even agree with that. I wanted her dreams to come true for her so bad that I just screwed things up.... Honestly... I do just totally love her... and I always will.... But until she changes some things, there isnt a damn thing I can do....

I was told to do some research on "co-dependancy" or something like that.... so I'm gonna look into it.... I'm sure it will help..... I like researching stuff like that.

God really did just let His peace fall on me again. The way He has been doing that is really amazing. I've never experienced anything like it.

Thanks everyone, for your prayers.

Despite all the good that is going on I am still struggling with the rejection.... I cant understand what is going on... or even what I am to learn from all of this. I am being as strong as I can... and I think I'm doing pretty well... but the thing is, what is the deal with this whole Tiff thing. A few weeks ago when she broke up with me, it really changed alot of my way of thinking. Previously it had been really hard for me to open up to someone emotionally.... Tanya never got that... nor did anyone before Tiff.... I just had been hurt too much.... and with Tiff, I dont know what was different... for some reason I started really opening up emotionally. There is no doubt there were still issues because of my past but I really started letting her into my life.... things made sense at that point. Why did I go to Lock Haven for a year? Simple... it was to meet the girl of my dreams.... and I had always believed that. But now I have to question so much. Tiff broke up with me.... and the thing is she spent so much time convincing me that all the girls that ever hurt me were completely stupid.... Tiff put alot of effort into making me believe that I had something that was to be desired.... Tiff told me that she felt so blessed to have me.... and it was hard at first but I really started to believe these things more and more.... mainly because she stuck by my side even when things weren't right with me. And I loved her for that... it was what I needed.... I really needed to have someone that was just there for me.. unconditionally.... and Tiff promised me time and time again that she would never become those other girls. She convinced me that I was worth too much to her.... and then hell week happened. I was sick from stress and wasnt getting better... I ended up in the Emergency Room.... had to do all kinds of stuff..... and immediately following that instead of having that girl that promised to be there for me always.... instead of having her there to help me and support me, she broke up with me.... she said she needed time.... she said that she was worried she would lose me all together by doing that but she wanted to keep in touch..... what happened? I havent heard from her... I've been ignored from her... I got one letter.... no IM's, no phone calls, no text, no email..... I dont understand it....

Lots of things are going through my mind right now..... One is why did I go to Lock Haven? Apparently that was nothing but a waste of time and money.... but then... why did I open up to Tiff? Why was she the one I felt comfortable finally opening up to? Why? What was different? Why did God let me meet her and let me pull her away from the guy she was going to marry? Why was I so sure that she was the one I was going to marry? Why did I believe the things that she told me?

I really wonder what would be different now if she didnt stay in DuBois.... Things were being set up perfectly for her to leave there.... but she wouldnt... Over the last week I have had nightmare upon nightmare of her parents hating me... and even some instances of Jim.... Would things have been different? Was this confusion that she has again the result of her parents? I think there is a good possibility. But I dont know.

.... I just gotta get over this.... I really have to.....

I've found peace of mind, i'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side, back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky
All my tears have been cried
And i can finally say

[Chorus:]
Baby baby stay
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

I still love you and i will forever
We can't hide the truth
We know each other better
When we try to make it work
We both end up hurt
It ain't supposed to be that way

[Chorus:]
Baby baby stay
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

When we try to make it work
We both end up hurt
Love ain't supposed to be that way

[Chorus:]
So baby baby stay
Stay right where you are
I like it this way
It's good for my heart
I haven't felt like this
In ooh in God knows how long
I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

I know everything's gonna be okay
If you just stay gone

"Stay Gone" by Jimmy Wayne

Wow.... God is really pouring His peace on me again

This goes in the humorous files:


http://yro.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=05/07/05/2246234&from=rss

Current status: in route to va, stressed, broke, frustrated, and lonely.

I'm not doing well at all. I gotta be up in 3 hours and my mind is racing and I can't sleep. Why do people just throw me away? Its so easy for people to just move on and forget about me? What is it that is wrong with me? What can I change to make people want to be with me? I have to change who I am... But what should I change? I don't know.... I don't understand what it is about me. Am I ugly? Annoying? Have no life? I know I have no money so maybe that's it? Its so easy for people to get what they can out of me... And after I gave all, they move on and I'm left behind. I just don't know what to do.... What do I change? I can't be me anymore.... It just doesn't work.

I hope to God I can fall asleep and just forget about all of this... Not to mention get at least 3 hours of sleep.

Well the fireworks in Monroeville were pretty cool... The grand finale was incredible! I love fireworks so much. It was really nice to hang out with Matt too... There is a reason we've been friends since third grade.

Tonight was a pretty good boost... I really needed it... I do hope things start changing for me soon tho... There is a lot on the horizon.... Lots of options ahead too... I really don't understand what God is doing. Not my place to figure out tho.... I just could really use more face to face time.... Spending time with people works wonders for me.... But it just rarely happens for me.

I guess under all of the excitement that's going on I'm still hurting pretty bad. Maybe it also has to do with the fact I haven't been able to afford my medicine for the last couple weeks..... I dunno.... I just really need more interaction with people... I think that's my best medicine. I came up to PA for that reason but almost everyone ignored me.... With the exception of Matt. Maybe its because no one is interested in what I am. I can't say that I'm an outcast in my family but sometimes I am a shadow. They are proud of me for who I am and what I know but the things I get excited about don't even phase them. A family of 5 and 4 of those have an intrest in gymnastics and one is into computers. Who gets left out? Yup.. me. Not that I blame them... This is who God made me... I'm different for a reason. Its just hard lacking these physical relationships.

Well... Tomorrow is a long day... I have to get all kinds of stuff done and still be back home by 3.... This should be fun.

Hope everyone had a great 4th.... Goodnight.

Well... Matt and I are gonna go to Monroeville I guess.... At least I have *A* friend....

I'm really pretty down right now.... I just feel so lonely.... Like I always do really. I don't do anything... Ever.... Why? I dunno... I guess I never have any money nor do I have anyone to do anything with.... Honestly, other than the lack of money... What is wrong with me? Am I just that annoying to be around? Maybe its because I am such a depressed person... No one really wants to take the time to really be a friend.... And I hear it all the time that I shouldn't need anyone to be happy... But I don't think the people that say that really understand me.... No I shouldn't have to have someone that is my whole world but at the same time my whole life is nothing but issolation.... Even at work I'm not physically around anyone... No one wants to make time to spend with me.... And when people make plans to spend with me, they almost always get cancelled.... I miss having someone but the truth is even when I had tiff, she wasn't there for me.... It was a struggle to see her.... And last week I got a letter from her and was so excited... Maybe it was just false hope.... I emailed a response like she asked me to and I still have no response. And this pain isn't really a tiff problem... Its just the biggest example of my problem. People are always saying that I just need to be myself but the thing is that "myself" isn't working. I struggle a lot to hold back tears and put on a happy face. I just don't know what it is that I need to change so that people enjoy being around me. I'm just a drag I guess... Tiff was the closest I ever got to someone loving me for who I am... But she had to give up too eventually because of whatever it is that's wrong with me.

Ill make it... I do have God... But this isolation is killing me. And btw, as much as the friends I have online mean to me, it just isn't all I need. I love the people that I IM and email and stuff.... Beth is a good example... She really is a blessing to me but there still isn't anything physical there... I need someone to physically go to a movie with or go grab dinner... Or even just talk - face to face. I just don't know what I need to change but I hope I figure it out soon... Whatever it is about me that makes people not love me needs to change.... I need friends that want to spend time with me.

Well that's enough of me complaining. Hope everyone is enjoying their 4th! Saturday night really boosted me watching the fireworks in Dulles - I really hope Monroeville will do the same... And this time ill have someone to talk to as well.... I sometimes wish Matt lived in VA...

I am really seriously wishing I just stayed in VA.... I'm getting pretty depressed....

Came to PA to do something for the 4th but of course no one wants to do anything.

I should just give up..... I'm tired of being alone but maybe if I accept the fact that I will always be alone it might be easier on me.

*sigh*

This just cracks me up!

http://www.onlycablecan.com/

Yes, I have cable.... and if I had a clear shot of the sky from my balcony I would be all over a sattelite dish. I think the funniest thing about this site (and the cable industry as a whole) is that the only way they feel they can survive is to bash teh sattelite companies -- and even go to the extent of bending truth or reporting outright lies. Anytime you see an industry or company start bashing another industry or company, its very obvious that they are struggling and they feel their only way of survival is to put them out of business.

Don't believe me? Come live at my apartment for a week.. I'll show you how bad cable is!

Yes, it is true that sattelite can not offer quality high speed internet... No, high speed internet is not an option over sattelite.... but can someone explain to me why my Verizon DSL with rated speeds lower than what I had with Adelphia actually performs better and faster? Very simple... Cable technology is not as advanced as they are making it out to be... add to this fact that all 50-90 channels that are in your "basic cable" package are delivered to you in analog... there is no digital on these channels. Sure, they hide them in your on-line guide on your digital cable box... but the signal is still delivered as analog.... So I guess the question is... when I can't get sattelite internet, but I can get sattelite TV and then get DSL from my phone company for a CHEAPER price than cable bundled with cable internet.... yea....

I missed church again :(

I'm really beating myself up now. This is like the 2nd or third week in a row.... I made sure my alarm was set when I went to bed... and now I magically wake up at 2pm... I dont understand. I did end up going into the data center last night so I went to bed at like 3:30 but ive never had a problem waking up before.... I dunno... I just really wanted to go to church.... I miss it :(

At least the fireworks were nice last night... it was a really good chance for me to kinda just enjoy something beautiful and just sit back and not have to worry.

Well, I guess I'll get my shower and head up to PA now..... Have a great holiday, everyone!

The fireworks start in ~10mins.... I'm actually pretty excited. I love fireworks... Thought I would just be bummed out going on my own but I'm ok... Just hoping these are better than Latrobe, PA's ... Lol.... I certainly hope so... Dulles, VA is slightly bigger :)

but really... Watching the cops ride around this mall on bicycles... Yea... Entertaining :)

Anyone wanna get me a late birthday present? :) :)


http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=64479&item=6781604722&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

Every time I fall down on my face
I see the one who bore all my shame
To know that you are everything I need you to be
You're my ever present help in time of need

I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again
Every pain I feel inside my heart
It takes a faith I know I can't depart

To know that you hear every cry I raise to you
Bringing thoughts of hope the words I bring I know are few

I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again
You hear me when I call
You're there when I fall
You hear me when I call

I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again

"Understand" - Jeremy Camp

I can't wait till tomorrow at 5pm.... I can't wait to just be able to relax and have no cares.... I wish I had something to do but it doesn't matter... Just as long as I have no work to do.

My mind has been racing tonight.... That's usually not a good thing.

Hi again... Its me... The guy polluting northern va. I'm in line for emissions again... This is only the fourth time... But I have now spent over $620 so if I don't pass this time they will waiver me. I love when you have to spend this much money on stupid stuff... Especially when you don't make enough money to live.... But such is life and regardless, I know my steps are ordered of God. Honestly tho... If this $600 gives me even 2 extra miles per gallon, its well worth it with how much I drive and the cost of gas.

Weeee.... Life is fun :)

And the next opinion is... Catalytic Converter.... *sigh* ... So there goes another $325 or so.... but at least this will put me over the waiver point so even if it doesnt pass this time, I can still register my car.

How much fun is this?

I just got a letter from Tiff... so that was nice.... just wrote one to send back to her.... Whatever God does, He does.

Monday is going to be hard.... I always loved curling up and watching fireworks with that special girl... doesnt look like thats gonna happen on Monday... More than likely I will be in PA and hopefully I'll at least get to go see some fireworks with family but alot of times they just dont go anymore.... I'd love to walk into my parent's house and see Tiff sitting there.... but its all just stuff I dream about I guess... Reality is I will probably end up going to see fireworks by myself in Latrobe....

As for my car... I dropped it off at the garage tonight. The good news is I didnt get stopped driving form work to the garage which I was concerned about. Leesburg has a cop for like every block and since my registration expired at midnight, I was sure I was done for. I just hope that I can get this car in the afternoon and make it to an inspection station without getting pulled over and then from there go online and renew my registration....

Lots of dreams for a perfect world, I guess.... It's all in God's Hands!