Monday, January 17, 2005

This weekend really was an outpouring of my heart. I said things that I always felt but I never thought I would say. I let some people see part of me that I hid for such an incredibly long time. I think that was the last bit of effort that I had to give. I pour myself into everything. I do my best in all that I do. It's just the way that I am. I genuinely care about people.... I always will do anything to help someone.... and in some cases, I'll do it even if it means hurting myself. This weekend I opened up alot. It seems as though it was for nothing.

There are so many ways that I can take things right now.... Will I be moving to VA? If I do, why? I mean, obviously the answer is to work a good job..... but other than that... why? Why VA? There are so many different reasons.... maybe its because that's where someone and I will spend out lives..... but then, maybe its because I just need to start over and leave alot of things behind me. I have been trying for years and it just isnt going anywhere..... after so long you just have to sit back and wonder if it is time to erase everything and start over.

I dont know where Im going.... I dont know who and what is supposed to be in my life anymore.... I just dont know... and I'm scared to death.... Ive been scared for a while... I just havent let on that I was..... because I know that God is going to take care of everything..... but Im really asking the question of how much more pain I will have to go through before everything is taken care of..... I'm doing well.... I have been helping so many people recently.... God has really been using me.... but I'm really starting to feel like I gave my last ounce this weekend.... that I really have nothing left..... It's a horrible feeling.... but ... it IS the feeling.

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