Right now I have to say that this is the best I have ever felt about my life....

I am now moved into my own apartment. I still have alot of unpacking today but its now my apartment.... I got to share that whole experience with Tiff... that was just amazing.

The weekend was amazing... I didnt think it could get better... but it did.... I am actually still at Lock Haven visiting with Tiff. We have been having the best time together....

I have dated many girls..... I have had the oppritunity to call many girls my girlfriend.... but right now, Tiff is more to me than any of them. Tiff is not my girlfriend as of yet but she means so much more to me than anyone I ever did call that.... She treats me better than anyone else... God really moved in this situation and He is continuing to do so.

Well, its time to go visit Bentley hall.... unfortunately that is UPSTAIRS Bentley... oh well.. at least it's food.... and I'll be with the best girl on the face of the earth!

Well I guess I live in VA now!

I wasn't able to get my drivers license changed yet but we signed the lease for my appartment, registered with the post office and got a bank account. I'm pretty excited.

God is really gonna do something great. Just keep me in your prayers for now.

So I am now starting to get a little nervous.... but I know I'll be just fine.... just alot of changes going on.

So I should be pulling out of my driveway around 7am and getting to VA around 11am.... I know I need to open a bank account tomorrow and then I'm going to look into getting my VA driver's license.... it's going to be a busy day.... gotta sign my lease and then get to work....

So here's the deal with my computer. It will remain up here in PA until next weekend. I will be taking my laptop with me. My only means of internet at home will be my cell phone connected to my laptop until Wednesday when I move into my actual apartment. On Wednesday my laptop will be connected to my cable modem and I'll have bblboy54 active on that. I will be popping on and off of bobkmertz until that point. My cell phone will be with me. The best way to get a hold of me this week will be calling me or paging me on my cell phone. This is going to be an interesting week....

Either way I'm going to go load Beaster up now and then I'm gonna get some sleep.... morning is going to come very early tomorrow. Please keep me in your prayers....

GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS! GO STEELERS!

So much to do.... I'm so looking forward to a relaxing short weekend with Tiff.... good skiing weather and everything....

Things are going to be fine... God is working everything out! I had someone very special show that to me!

What a day!!!!! I'm moving on Monday! :)

It was a very productive day... Beaster lives again.... I have a place to live in VA... got my new cell phone number.... all is good..... well, ok, there are a few confusing points in my life right now but God is working out so many things right now there is no reason that He wont continue.

I'd like to blog longer but I have some things I need to get done tonight. I will be moving to Leesburg, VA. If anyone wants my new phone number or address, please email me and I'll be glad to give it to you. My old 724 number is no longer active.

Thanks for all of your prayers!

We are passing through frederick md right now. Looking at a place at 2:30. We stopped up and fixed beaster first. He lives again. Only sad part about today is I think two of my babies died. For those of you that don't know I raised 4 baby fish from birth. This morning I couldn't find 2 of them.

Also today I decided that what I want is worth waiting for. Tiff has made such an improvement. She is who I want and I love her very much. She is just asking for a little time and I am now more than willing to give that to her.

Things are working out for me.... Very well.

Last night was bad.... I had alot on me and after I had alot on me I had more added to me.... I snapped and things got bad for a while.....

.... Today is a new and exciting day! :)

So things were going really well for me..... then last not things started happening to make me very overwhelmed.... VERY overwhelmed.... some things that I was banking on are not going to come true and it hurts alot.... plus you add the serious changes happening in my life..... so I leave Lock Haven this morning after sleeping in..... Beaster decided that he had enough and died.... so Im there stranded on the side of the road.... on 220..... very little room to pull off.... so I call dad, he starts on his way up.... im sitting there and I hear "bang" ... I look over and my passenger mirror is gone.... yup.... someone decided to run a little off the road and took off the mirror... so the guy stops.... Im like dont worry about it.... the car is probably dead anyway..... he had a truck so he pushed me down the road a bit so I could get more off of the road.... then he took me to a store where I could stay warm..... turns out he is related to someone that owns a junk yard.... so dad comes, we look at beaster and find out the alternator locked up.... so we call this guy back and he takes us to the junk yard.... we pull an alternator off of a car and take it back to beaster..... not the right one.... *sigh* ... so we decide to take the alternator off of beaster and that went nowhere.... we stood along the side of the road in the freezing cold.... eventually we gave up and came home..... so I guess we're gonna get it towed to a garage tomorrow and then get another alternator put in.... there goes $140.... which brings me to another frustration.... my mom is gonna end up hating me.... she is so stressed with money.... Im broke... I dont have a penny to my name.... my check book shows $.05 and I have maybe a dollar in change in my pocket.... so im screwed.... and all I hear now is how no one has any money.... Im such a burden on everyone.... After a while you feel like you have nothing good to offer anymore...... I pray this works out ok and that I get to VA on Monday without a problem..... maybe I'll find a really special girl down there and my dreams will come true.... so far PA has done nothing for my dreams coming true... maybe VA will.... All I can do is hope for the best......

So.... I finally took a job :)

www.carpathiahost.com

My parents and I are driving down to VA on Thursday to start looking for places to live... They want me to start Monday and may put me up in a hotel until I find a place to live....

Did I mention I was excited? :)

w00t.... Who's coming to visit me in VA? :)

*crosses fingers*
Waiting for my offer letter to arrive in my email.... phone interview went very well....

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross
and which to burn.
- David Russell

Im scared... I dont want to have a hard heart again.... I always treasured my soft heart..... but I cant keep feeling this pain..... this ongoing pain..... it's killing me.....

I think I definately do need to just harden my heart.......

Im starting to think that it doesnt really matter if I open up or not..... I dont think anyone really cares who I am.... as long as I can help them, thats all that matters to them. Im starting to think that the only solution for me feeling better and keeping myself from continually getting hurt is to just harden my heart. My soft heart is so vulnerable... it's always getting broken. The human body adapts to so many different things in it's surrounding.... if you live in sunny areas, your skin is darker... thats the body adapting.... maybe my heart needs to do the same thing.... my heart always gets broken so maybe it just needs to adapt and become harder.... I hate saying that but maybe I just dont have a choice.... I cant keep getting hurt....

This weekend really was an outpouring of my heart. I said things that I always felt but I never thought I would say. I let some people see part of me that I hid for such an incredibly long time. I think that was the last bit of effort that I had to give. I pour myself into everything. I do my best in all that I do. It's just the way that I am. I genuinely care about people.... I always will do anything to help someone.... and in some cases, I'll do it even if it means hurting myself. This weekend I opened up alot. It seems as though it was for nothing.

There are so many ways that I can take things right now.... Will I be moving to VA? If I do, why? I mean, obviously the answer is to work a good job..... but other than that... why? Why VA? There are so many different reasons.... maybe its because that's where someone and I will spend out lives..... but then, maybe its because I just need to start over and leave alot of things behind me. I have been trying for years and it just isnt going anywhere..... after so long you just have to sit back and wonder if it is time to erase everything and start over.

I dont know where Im going.... I dont know who and what is supposed to be in my life anymore.... I just dont know... and I'm scared to death.... Ive been scared for a while... I just havent let on that I was..... because I know that God is going to take care of everything..... but Im really asking the question of how much more pain I will have to go through before everything is taken care of..... I'm doing well.... I have been helping so many people recently.... God has really been using me.... but I'm really starting to feel like I gave my last ounce this weekend.... that I really have nothing left..... It's a horrible feeling.... but ... it IS the feeling.

Someday things will work out for me, right? *sigh* Ive been telling myself that for what seems forever. Its getting hard to keep believing.....

Tiff is ok....

Me, on the other hand -- I am not :(

Well Kendra is praying for her.... and I called Belinda (Steve M's wife) and we both prayed for her over the phone. Beth is praying for her.... this is what the body of Christ is all about.....

Me, my mom, Kari, and my dad all just go together and prayed for Tiff.... Mom is calling grandma and having her pray..... Im probably gonna call a couple people.... I know Ange is praying..... Lord, please take care of her.... Please Lord.

No one knows where Tiff is at... Ange called her house and they said she was at school.... but she was leaving to go home... and she should be home by now and then she sent me text messages saying how many accidents there were and I know the roads are bad.... and Im scared to death... my stomach hurts... my chest hurts.... I cant have anything happen to her..... she means so much to me.... Im so scared.....

I think something may have happened to tiff.... the roads are real bad where she was driving and I know that she should be home by now.... and I cant get a hold of her... I'm so scared and so worked up.... My stomach literally hurts.... im so scared :( Please pray that she is ok... please.....

I am just a complete emotional wreck today so far..... :(

Well I made it until I started my car... then I just broke down into tears.... Im losing it.... no, Ive lost it... I'm done... its over.

So far other than the steelers winning this has been a night from hell. I have had the worst crew I ever had.... More than half of the orders that came out of the oven were wrong, late or missing. No one listened. The place looks like crap.... I gave so many orders away.... People walked away from this place pissed off at least ever 15 mins..... There was no way to arrange the crew to get any work done. Everything was screwed up.

I'm praying to God something happy happens tonight.... But I'm not banking on it. I pour my heart and soul into everything I do..... So far all I've done is lose my heart and soul.

Well its back to work for me... I just needed to vent before I broke into tears here at work.

Hell yea.... Go Steelers! It was close but we won!

"Have You Ever?"

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you into my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

Beaster is mine.... Mwhahahahaha :) And he is already taking his first trip back to his home away from home (Lock Haven).

So things went EXTREMELY well in VA. It looks like there is a good chance I got the job! Keep it in your prayers! Not only did I do very well with every project given to me, I got along with everyone and had a blast.

Im glad I have that to keep me happy.... otherwise this might be an ugly night... *sigh*

Well, I have an appt with my psychiatrist tomorrow at 9am.... I better get my butt to bed.... nite nite and thanks for the prayers!

So far things are going quite well down here in VA. Im actually having a good time too. We just have to cross our fingers and see what God has in my future.

I'm a little frustrated at the moment... nothing to do with being in VA, or working, or anything like that. I just feel like.... I dont even know how I feel like.

Thats gonna be all for now.... Im gonna go grab dinner and then come back here to the hotel room.... I'll probably get online when I get back... but who knows.... Being on the internet seems to never bring me good news. *sigh* ....

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with their mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

Ive really been thinking alot.... sometimes I think that God opens up wonderful oppritunities.... sometimes we pray so hard for something to happen.... the problem is, we expect it to just happen... magically. Though in many cases, it will, I think in most cases it doesnt. God almost always requires a step of faith. So many times in my history I have been faced with something.... I had to take a step of faith before whatever it was I was fighting for materialized. It's crucial to meet God half way. There is a joke about someone praying to God asking him to help her win the lottery.... God responds and say "How about you meet me half way and buy a ticket" .... Ok, I know gambling is not a Christian attitude so I dont want to hear that comment made.... but think about that. We expect God to just put a winning ticket in our hands? We really have to take that step of faith and say "God is going to help me win... I need to take this step" ... (If I hear of anyone going out and buying a lottery ticket after this, I'm gonna slap you.. hehe). The point is that sometimes we really have to take a step of faith. Ive been doing that with my future job. God is going to provide... but if I dont go out and put out my resume, nothing is going to happen. The worst part is.... eventually, alot of those doors that were open will close. There may be a perfect job out there for me but if I wait and wait and wait, they are going to hire someone else. God may have opened the perfect oppritunity for me.... one that I may have been praying for.... but if I wait too long, that door will close.

Ive learned that living a Christian life is not easy. I've learned that living a Christian life means that I have to take alot of risks and steps of faith.... but when I have done that, God has never let me down. There are also many times where I waited for it to magically happen... and it didnt. God didnt let me down... I let myself down.

This week is going to proove to be a very life changing week for me. Not only associated with careers but also with many things in my own personal life. I pray that every decission made is one led of God... and that I, and others, dont sit and wait for God to do it for us.... I pray steps of faith are taken and that God materializes dreams that have been in hearts for so long.

After spending the last half hour laying in bed crying im really starting to wonder if im just destined to always be played in my life. We were just joking at pizza hut about how every girl has always messed with my head..... and you know what... maybe thats something that will never end. Im tired of being played.... I want so badly to start working on a family.... but when will I find a girl that wants me for me.... a girl that wants only me.... a girl that wont have someone else on the side.... someone who is 100% honest to me.... I just..... I just give up.... *sigh* Anyone who really wants to love someone.... please email me.... I need companionship.... I need that special girl in my life..... I guess it's all just wishful thinking.... maybe I really have given up hope this time.... :(

Tonight has been a down night, but yet a productive one. Please keep tiff in your prayers.... keep me in your prayers as well.

Check out this test!

Ive learned in the last 24 hours that there still are some truly amazing people out there. I met another Christian this morning. Her name is Amanda... we havent really talked too much but all this really just opens your eyes. Sometimes we close are eyes and dont look beyond what we know..... everything recently has really opened my eyes... meeting some new friends... looking for a new job..... there is a whole new world out there just waiting for us.... and God is waiting to show us around.

Well the server update is finally done..... golly that took a while.

I got to talk to Tiff tonight.... she seemed pretty out of it... *shrug* I hate seeing her down but I guess I just have to realize there is nothing I can really do.

It was really nice to meet Lyndsay tonight.... Alot of times when I get bored I go on hotornot.com and just click through people.... I saw her and she really stood out.... what she put in her profile was amazing... about how she made mistakes and she really wants to get back to God and build her relationship with Him. To find a Christian is rare but to find someone who's heart is REALLY in the right place.... its just amazing.... anyway, we double matched and I ended up talking to her for a very long time tonight. It was really nice to talk to someone about God and about relationships with Him.... truly amazing. Hard to say if we'll ever meet but I think we're both thinking we will eventually.... we even talked about her coming to church with me. That would be really cool. We'll have to see what happens.... either way tho, I think we both know that God can really use each one of us to help the other with their relationship.... thats a cool feeling :)

It's amazing the special people that God has brought into my life.... it's amazing how He is working on me finding the right job.... I know that I'm in His hands.... God truly is wonderful!

I met the most amazing person tonight.... her name is Lyndsay.... its nice to meet new Christian friends! :)

Overall... VERY good day.... More later tho.... still talking to Lyndsay!

Well I finished off a shift at Pizza Hut.... It wasnt too bad but its definately not where I want to be. I pray the job hunt goes well.... I have an appt at EchoStar tomorrow. We'll see where that goes.... I sent my resume out to alot of places today as well. Please keep me in your prayers!

And I got another job offer...... :)

Yea, I'm still up.
Just thinking about stuff... laying in bed is not enough to fall asleep. Tiff and I texted a few things back and forth so there was some reolution there.

I really am fine in dealing with all of the stuff that is on me right now... the only problem I am having is sleeping. Just so much on my mind that it's very difficult to sleep... VERY difficult. That will heal with time tho, I'm sure.

Well I finally got to talk to Tiff.... although I waited for the words I wanted to hear so badly, I didnt hear them. I guess it is time to really sit back and re-evaluate the situation. This situation, too, is in God's Hands.

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered "Peace be still"
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

Well I am employed with Pizza Hut again..... they jinx me everytime :) It's only for a couple shifts a week and its going to be temporary until I can find something else but at least it's something. God will provide.... no doubt about that.

I got another lead today... actually 2 more leads today. Just gonna have to see where God leads me.

I've waiting up long enough waiting for a phone call.... sometimes you just have to give up hope.....

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then (bah-dah-dah)
I went to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
You were my toy but I could be the boy you adore
If you'd just let me know (bah-dah-dah)
Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
I-I-I need you-oo-oo more than anyone, baby
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart

There is so much on me right now and I have no one to spill my guts to. My family is being destroyed.... no one sees what it is doing to me... I'm trying to be strong but I've got alot on me as it is....

Rejoice for the steps, of a righteous man, they are ordered of God, they are ordered of God
Rejoice for the steps, of a righteous man, they are ordered of God

In the time of trouble, God will uphold me, God will preserve me, God will sustain me
In the time of trouble, God will lift you up, so rejoice your steps are ordered of God

It's so horrible when your life makes major changes and horrible things happen and you cant even talk to your best friend :(

Well Jason and I spoke for about 2 hours tonight. We worked alot of things out. There probably was a chance of getting my job back, however, I didnt feel that was in the best intrest. What happened happened for a reason and I think this is a time for us both to move on. We both learned from the situation and we'll take that with us. There still is some ironing out to do but God is going to sustain me. I know that in all of this I acted in the way that I should have and I know that He will honor that and provide for me.

Happy New Year!!!!

Here's my statement on the situation. Yesterday there was a dissagreement between Jason and myself. I presued in the matter that I felt I had to and what I felt was right. Jason took the actions that he felt he had to take. I will say nothing against Jason or Elite Internet Communications as the actions that were taken he deemed were needed and I cant argue with any action he took. The good news is I already have leads for other jobs.

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
Psalm 55:21-23