Sunday, June 03, 2007

Today really was a good day. Matt came down from PA last night and today we went to Shenandoah National Park. We did some hiking and stopped by Dark Hollow Falls which was really incredible. I'm pretty sore right now but it was worth it. Tonight we went to Winchester to stop at wal mart and got lost for a good while but it was a good time.

The thing that is sucking right now is stuff in the background. When I was having panic attacks a few years back, they happened even despite good things going on. Tonight I am feeling really anxious and I'm somewhat bordering on panic. I'm laying in bed right now completely unable to sleep. I know for one thing that I am worried that I am losing things. Look at my last post and see all the amazing things God has done - yet it seems everytime things this great happen, I start losing things one by one. I fear that process has already started. I know that I pretty much bring it on my self because I can really be a horrible person - I just am affraid that I need to change but will never be able to.

I can't understand all of this at all. I want things to head more towards my dreams. God has really given me more than I could have imagined and I am truly gratefull.... But there are things that I have dreamed of all my life but when there is a glimmer of hope for any of those dreams, that hope is removed rapidly.

I guess I should try to sleep again. I'm really hope this anxiousness ends soon.