Friday, June 29, 2007

I'm in one of those moments where I don't know how to feel while the only thing I *know* that I feel is an unexplained anxiousness. There are times that I have a strong faith that things are going to fall in to place and then there are times I really struggle. I can't deny that I am truly blessed to have what God has given me and at the same time I feel that I am bot equipped to handle those things ... And it scares me.

Sometimes I worry that I'm in this all alone. I refer to that as is on this earth. I know that God is with me but on this earth I'm all alone. I want (need?) someone to be there with me to rejoice with me and someone to be beside me for all the confusing and trying times. The thing that I really struggle with is that God recognized that Adam needed a helper and He provided that by creating Eve. God doesn't want us to be alone on this earth - yet I am. And why has God given me such a strong passion to be the best father and husband I can be and yet I don't have the opportunity.

I think that all of that, however, is only part of everything. No matter what it is that I do I also become taken for granted eventually. All of a sudden everything that I once enjoyed doing becomes a chore and then I start questioning what purpose I serve. What is it that makes me different than anyone else. If something happened to me today, what part of this world would not be able to replace me or who (aside from family) would be left with a void in their hearts.

There is no easy solution to the way I feel. There really isn't even a descriotion of how I feel. God has certainly provided me with a lot in the material world which are, no doubt, great tools to use for Him.... But I'm still empty. I lack a purpose and I lack importance to anyone else's heart.

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