Ok.. The moment you've been waiting for..... I'm not doing well. I tried so hard to sleep in but tanya called. Honestly, after that call I just want to die and be done with it. Tanya hates me... Tiff doesn't have time for me.... I'm alone again. Did I do something wrong? If so... What? I really took the steps I felt were needed. If it wasn't for eli, I would have stayed with tanya to try to work things out. I couldn't risk it tho. I care way too much about that little boy. I hope tanya cares... I hope all the things she is saying is just a reaction and not really the root.... If it is the root then I guess I learned something. I'm scared. I'm really scared.... I'm depressed.... And I just wish it was over. Maybe since I didn't get to sleep like I planned ill... Well I won't say it..... But a 4 hour drive at 2am is long. I'm at the somerset rest area now and my food should be here soon. Then its more driving. *sigh*

Its almost 3am.... I have been doing good with keeping myself up tonight.... I would like to stay up a little bit longer but I really feel like I need to crash. I am working in VA from 9pm Sat until 2am Sun.... therefore I will start a 4 hour drive at 2am. The plan is to sleep till about 3pm, wake up and get ready and head for VA around 5pm. If I can pull that off I should be still awake around 2am. So anyway, even tho staying up another hour or so would do me good, I think im gonna look around and find wolfie and cuddle up and go to sleep. God is doing something..... We didnt get a chance to talk, but I at least told Tiff that we needed to talk.... the very short conversation we had she ended with a smiley face.... it really made me feel good. Dont get me wrong, I miss tanya.... It still hurts me that I hurt her.... but this all had to end.... I want to be her friend and I hope that in a month or so we will be good friends. Something wasnt right with me and I think I am finally realizing what is wrong.... and I think I'm about to take steps to make it right. I let someone go who meant the world to me......

Tanya and I broke up tonight...... at the end, it ended mutually. It was REALLY ugly for a while. Lots of things happened.... one thing that was under it was me incredibly missing Tiff again..... I just need to sort things out because its not fair to tanya.... there were some major issues tho.... Tanya and I are friends.... and I will see Eli..... so im ok.... I think she's ok... we are both hurt but we're both headed in the right direction. Now I have to figure out where I need to go in life.... first back to the Lord..... but then do I need to go back to someone else? Time and prayer will tell.

Frustrated... confused.... just plain out of it. I really dont understand why things happened the way they did. I still think that things should have happened differently.... I SHOULD still be with Tiff and we should be very happy together right now.... it was meant to be.... none the less, I am very happy being with Tanya and Eli. They both give me so much comfort.... sure there are things we have to work on as well.... but first thing I was thinking of today about me and Tanya.... when Tanya took me to see her mom the first time she was not thrilled.... her mom was not a fan.... she didnt take the chance to get to know me (sound familiar)..... so I was concerned... I just got out of a relationship where the parent destroyed the relationship.... ok well it wasnt ALL the parent.... but the parent had a very big influence..... anyway.... Tanya stood up to her mom and said that thats the way it was..... yaknow what..... her mom and I get along fine now.... and its not just "I'll put up with you" thing.... it is genuinely getting along..... I think back and wonder what if someone else would have done that. Maybe thats what The Keeper wanted to happen? Either way... that relationship is over... the pain of being hurt isnt over but the relationship is.... and I have an incredible girl now.... one that I know loves me and is not ashamed to say "Hey, this is Bobby.... he is my boyfriend" .... she's actually proud of it.... and ya know what... so am I :)

Well Saturday night I finally added fish to my new aquarium. I decided to set up an African Cichlid tank. I added 4 cichlids, a chineese catfish, and a blue lobster. Yesterday I added another Cichlid and then tonight I was watching them and did a head count and realize that one was missing. I then found something floating between the one uplift tube and the one power filter.... well... you can guess the rest. The sad part is I think he had been actually dead for a while.... I dont remember seeing him. My guess is at some point he died from stress due to changes. That is very typical with fish. It's still just sad. So in my new tank in the dining room I have 4 African Cichlids (one yellow with black stripes, one blue with black stripes, one orange, and one yellow with black striped fins), 1 Chineese Catfish, and 1 Blue Lobster.... if you ever set up a tank with agressive fish, you have to get a Blue Lobster... they are just awesome! In my community tank in my room I still have 2 Red Sword Tails, 2 Neon Tetra, 1 Glass Tetra, 1 Catfish, and 2 Guppies. I'm really loving this aquarium stuff! The fun part is my mom was so hesitant about letting me put the aquarium in the dining room.... it was her friend that gave it to me.... eventually I talked her in to it.... now she loves them. She told me how she was the one that fed them tonight and she just sat there and watched them for a while. She's really liking it.... that makes me happy! Well, since its almost midnight and I gotta be up at 5am and leave for VA at 6am, I better get to bed. Good night everyone!

One thing is very certain.... I am able to control anger and frustration a lot better than compared to 8 years ago. It was a well known fact that the amber situation destroyed me. I was crushed inside and as a result crushed anything in site at times. Ripping the light off my room wall... Putting holes in the wall.... And coming very close to suicide. That incident is in the past now but was always the most pain that I ever went through. That is until now. I try to hide this so much because I don't want anyone to know... But the truth is.... Losing tiff is still the hardest thing I ever felt. It still has me crushed inside... Even tho I have such a great girl now... I am still crushed. This tiff thing is the most pain I ever felt. I have matured though because all the lights in my room are still attached. Just because I am not acting like I did with the amber thing does not mean this doesn't hurt more. I'm in a lot of emotional pain. Tanya and eli help without knowing it but I can't put this on her. She has a lot of issues.... I usually end up taking on those... I can't put mine on her. This hurts... I miss tiff a lot. We will never be together again because of what she did to me.... Not once but twice.... But it doesn't mean I don't miss who was the greatest girl that ever walked in to my life.

I don't understand.... If I was more important than jim and I had nothing to worry about regarding him.... Why am *i* the one left in the dust. Why did she do this to me and why can't I just accept that its done and put it behind me.