he·ro [heer-oh]
noun, plural -roes; for 5 also -ros.
a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal: He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child.
For the past few weeks we have been doing hose testing and washing at our station. This is a project that requires many, many, hours of labor and being that we are a small department that labor is only spread across a handful of people. Because of the circumstances this project isn't one that we can do in a single day but one that has to be spread out. As I've spent these hours standing out in front of the station with a pressure washer in hand and sweat rolling down my back I see the people of Warren County driving by on the highway. I don't know anything about these people and, most likely, they don't know the first thing about me but the thing that I kept questioning in my mind is how many of those people realize that I, and the others working with me, are doing this for free. I wonder if they took the time to read the "Volunteer" part of our station's name or did they even skip a beat to think about it at all. I don't doubt that at least some of those people driving by are heroes in their own way. As I thought more about this I realized something very important -- a hero isn't a person directly but more of an attitude.
Think of someone, in your mind, that is a hero to you. Why are they a hero? Most likely it's because of something they did and it was probably something that they completely ignored himself (or herself) in order to complete that heroic act. The thing is that people are not born heroes and, in many ways, they aren't raised as heroes but, rather, they are raised with heroic tendencies. I'm not about to call myself a hero but I can tell you that I see members of our department that are certainly heroes in my book -- and they aren't always the ones that are running into a burning building. Sometimes you hear on the news how a firefighter pulled a child from a burning building and immediately they are tagged as a hero, and rightfully so, but what bothers me is you don't hear about the wife of that firefighter who willingly let her husband respond to that fire fully knowing that he could become seriously injured or killed. There are people that take positions in a fire department that they may really not want to do but they do it because they know the department needs them who you never hear about. You also never hear about the people who work hours upon hours organizing fundraisers to help a fire department raise money for a new truck, fire hose, or any other equipment that is required for that firefighter to do their job. How about the couple that barely has enough money to live but yet they drop the single $1 bill in the boot as they pass the firefighters collecting money along the road? Heroes seem to all have one thing in common -- they are so infrequently recognized and they so infrequently think of themselves. Additionally they are heroes because of what they do and not because of who they are.
In so many ways it is heartbreaking to watch people not only drive by but go through their lives with a heavy focus on themselves without even stopping to consider whether they are a hero to someone or not but, on the other hand, there is a lot of potential for those people to become heroes. It's one thing that is fairly unique to heroes -- they can be contagious. I've responded to calls where someone was injured or somehow in trouble and later they've come back to the station with a check to donate money which will then be used to assist in saving someone else's life. People don't always think about the impact they are making on other people until someone makes an impact on their life and as long as there are at least a few heroes in existence then the potential remains for a contagious outbreak of people helping people. While I watch our world fall further and further I can't help but hope and pray that people will someday start putting themselves aside and start displaying the heroic qualities that we so desperately need -- even if it's someone spending the time with a child who needs a mentor, working around a fire department, restoring a public shelter, giving money to a worthwhile organization, or even just saying hi to someone who has had a bad day.
We all have heroic potential -- let's all start using it.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
It's really been that long?
I really can not believe that it's been more than half a year since I've actually made a blog post. I don't know if I can really understand why other than I think my life has just been so confusing that I don't know exactly what to say. If you're someone that's close to me you know that there have been some serious changes in my life and, that in December, there was some serious heartbreak. Let's go back there..... not that I want to.
In the end of 2010 things, financially, were not easy for me. I was getting more and more behind on my mortgage and despite my efforts it reached the point where I became 3 months past due and CitiMortgage acted immediately. I've touched on some of this in a blog post in November but it was in December that Citi scheduled a foreclosure sale for the second time even while they knew that they weren't supposed to. It was also in December, after they scheduled this sale, that they randomly decided that my HUD counselor was no longer allowed to act on my behalf despite the fact that I provided them with that documentation and they had been speaking with her for the past few months. We called via a conference call and was told that they were going to cancel the sale but we never received any confirmation so the day after the sale was scheduled we called Citi again to verify that the sale was canceled and the agent told us that my account was in a "pending modification" status and that no sale had taken place -- it was 3 days later that someone knocked on my door with the paperwork that the house was now bank property. I won't lie.... I cried. I called my mom and cried and then I called my girlfriend and cried... oh yes, there's another event that happened in December. See, I met the perfect girl for me.... we were so perfect together and she absolutely had ALL of my trust... It hadn't been easy for me to trust girls because all of my life it seems like I've been cheated on... I don't really understand why I trusted her but I just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she could be trusted... something that I *NEVER* thought I would be able to do again, at least not so easily. I guess within that trust I gave up a part of me that I had kept away from everyone in the past... I made a mistake and I went too far but I had never been so sure about anything in my life. She was so comforting when I called her after I knew I lost my house.... she invited me over to her friends' house and I had probably one of the best nights just hanging out and watching movies. It really seemed like neither one of us could get enough of the other -- it was incredible. Despite the fact that I was losing everything she was there for me and she made everything better and helped me deal with all of the crap going on around me -- but, sadly, it wouldn't last long.
It was a really ugly day.... snow fell like crazy and at the station we were running call after call for accidents on I66 and I was supposed to hear from her but didn't... I tried calling... no answer. I knew she hadn't slept at all the night before and she had to drive home from school that evening so I was in complete panic.... I called her friend and she was worried too and for the next few hours we all tried to figure out where she was because we thought for sure she wrecked. When we figured out where she was it became the moment that I truly did lose everything. She was at her ex-boyfriend's house... Yes, she cheated on me. I was more crushed than every in my life... I cried every day for at least the next 2 weeks... I broke down crying in front of people that I would have never dreamed I'd let myself cry in front of... I was a wreck. The people that were closest to me through the entire month will tell you that after I met her I was the happiest person alive and that they could not believe that I was the same person and that you would have never even been able to tell that I was losing my house and so many other things but then they will also tell you that just as happy as I was for that time I changed abruptly when I found out she cheated on me. I have to say that I was proud of myself in that I was still able to function. If you read back through the years of my blog you'll see that there were many times that I had something happen with a girl and it completely destroyed me to the point that I couldn't function. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that this time hurt more than all of the previous times put together but, yet, I was still able to do my job. It told me two things: I have grown and matured and that I loved this girl more than anyone before.
Anyone that is a Christian knows that God does provide for those that seek Him. It was no different in this situation. We had just voted in a new chief at the fire department and one of the things he brought up to me when he knew what was going on was that he wanted to start a live-in program at the station. Years ago he had lived at a fire station for 2 years and he said it was an incredible experience and he wanted to let others have the chance as well as help improve our station's call responses. Shortly before the new year I moved in and just went to my house to take care of my birds once a day and slowly started moving everything to storage. In the first part of January I found a home for my birds and I took them to meet their new friends -- their new home had plenty of other birds for them to play with and talk to. It was probably the hardest thing that I ever actually had to do. I hear reports that they are really liking their new home and I hope to soon be able to visit them but I really do miss them. Looking back having to give my birds away was about the ONLY negative thing that came from the foreclosure. I owed $190k on a house that Fannie Mae put on the market for $60k and I was sinking fast. I now have the freedom to start paying off the IRS and other debts that I have as well as actually start saving money. I get to interact with people more regularly since I love at the fire station and there are a lot of people in and out of there and I'm also able to do more of something I love -- help others. I just recently got cleared to drive Engine 4 so now I don't have to sit and wait for a driver to take me to a call. Sure, it has some frustrations but overall it's an awesome experience and God has really blessed me.
Today I still live at the fire station and I still enjoy it. I can't say that I understand my life though. I've recently been hurting quite a bit and I'm not really sure why... I think that a good part of it is loneliness creeping back in. I know for a fact that the pain of the broken heart in December is a pain that I still have and it still hurts despite the fact that I am coping with it and have moved on. I think I've recently just been feeling like I'm a thorn to a lot of people -- like a nuisance. I don't know why I feel that way but I have some ideas... Maybe it's because I complain a lot... maybe I'm just strange compared to most people... there are things that I see that might be but they are things that no matter how much I try to think about them and correct them I just can't seem to change... The reason, I think, is more because there is just something missing in my life. I know that I'm not where I'm supposed to me in my walk with God and I know that's a big part of it... They say that knowing is half the battle but sometimes it just seems so hard to actually put things into action.... you know how to fix it... you know how to get better... but you just can't seem to put it into motion.
I guess I really don't have much more to say than that. I wish that I had something to say that would provoke thought and help others but right now I don't. I hope that soon I fix me and can really start helping others and really get back to my old ways of thinking about stuff -- maybe then my blog will become active again
In the end of 2010 things, financially, were not easy for me. I was getting more and more behind on my mortgage and despite my efforts it reached the point where I became 3 months past due and CitiMortgage acted immediately. I've touched on some of this in a blog post in November but it was in December that Citi scheduled a foreclosure sale for the second time even while they knew that they weren't supposed to. It was also in December, after they scheduled this sale, that they randomly decided that my HUD counselor was no longer allowed to act on my behalf despite the fact that I provided them with that documentation and they had been speaking with her for the past few months. We called via a conference call and was told that they were going to cancel the sale but we never received any confirmation so the day after the sale was scheduled we called Citi again to verify that the sale was canceled and the agent told us that my account was in a "pending modification" status and that no sale had taken place -- it was 3 days later that someone knocked on my door with the paperwork that the house was now bank property. I won't lie.... I cried. I called my mom and cried and then I called my girlfriend and cried... oh yes, there's another event that happened in December. See, I met the perfect girl for me.... we were so perfect together and she absolutely had ALL of my trust... It hadn't been easy for me to trust girls because all of my life it seems like I've been cheated on... I don't really understand why I trusted her but I just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she could be trusted... something that I *NEVER* thought I would be able to do again, at least not so easily. I guess within that trust I gave up a part of me that I had kept away from everyone in the past... I made a mistake and I went too far but I had never been so sure about anything in my life. She was so comforting when I called her after I knew I lost my house.... she invited me over to her friends' house and I had probably one of the best nights just hanging out and watching movies. It really seemed like neither one of us could get enough of the other -- it was incredible. Despite the fact that I was losing everything she was there for me and she made everything better and helped me deal with all of the crap going on around me -- but, sadly, it wouldn't last long.
It was a really ugly day.... snow fell like crazy and at the station we were running call after call for accidents on I66 and I was supposed to hear from her but didn't... I tried calling... no answer. I knew she hadn't slept at all the night before and she had to drive home from school that evening so I was in complete panic.... I called her friend and she was worried too and for the next few hours we all tried to figure out where she was because we thought for sure she wrecked. When we figured out where she was it became the moment that I truly did lose everything. She was at her ex-boyfriend's house... Yes, she cheated on me. I was more crushed than every in my life... I cried every day for at least the next 2 weeks... I broke down crying in front of people that I would have never dreamed I'd let myself cry in front of... I was a wreck. The people that were closest to me through the entire month will tell you that after I met her I was the happiest person alive and that they could not believe that I was the same person and that you would have never even been able to tell that I was losing my house and so many other things but then they will also tell you that just as happy as I was for that time I changed abruptly when I found out she cheated on me. I have to say that I was proud of myself in that I was still able to function. If you read back through the years of my blog you'll see that there were many times that I had something happen with a girl and it completely destroyed me to the point that I couldn't function. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that this time hurt more than all of the previous times put together but, yet, I was still able to do my job. It told me two things: I have grown and matured and that I loved this girl more than anyone before.
Anyone that is a Christian knows that God does provide for those that seek Him. It was no different in this situation. We had just voted in a new chief at the fire department and one of the things he brought up to me when he knew what was going on was that he wanted to start a live-in program at the station. Years ago he had lived at a fire station for 2 years and he said it was an incredible experience and he wanted to let others have the chance as well as help improve our station's call responses. Shortly before the new year I moved in and just went to my house to take care of my birds once a day and slowly started moving everything to storage. In the first part of January I found a home for my birds and I took them to meet their new friends -- their new home had plenty of other birds for them to play with and talk to. It was probably the hardest thing that I ever actually had to do. I hear reports that they are really liking their new home and I hope to soon be able to visit them but I really do miss them. Looking back having to give my birds away was about the ONLY negative thing that came from the foreclosure. I owed $190k on a house that Fannie Mae put on the market for $60k and I was sinking fast. I now have the freedom to start paying off the IRS and other debts that I have as well as actually start saving money. I get to interact with people more regularly since I love at the fire station and there are a lot of people in and out of there and I'm also able to do more of something I love -- help others. I just recently got cleared to drive Engine 4 so now I don't have to sit and wait for a driver to take me to a call. Sure, it has some frustrations but overall it's an awesome experience and God has really blessed me.
Today I still live at the fire station and I still enjoy it. I can't say that I understand my life though. I've recently been hurting quite a bit and I'm not really sure why... I think that a good part of it is loneliness creeping back in. I know for a fact that the pain of the broken heart in December is a pain that I still have and it still hurts despite the fact that I am coping with it and have moved on. I think I've recently just been feeling like I'm a thorn to a lot of people -- like a nuisance. I don't know why I feel that way but I have some ideas... Maybe it's because I complain a lot... maybe I'm just strange compared to most people... there are things that I see that might be but they are things that no matter how much I try to think about them and correct them I just can't seem to change... The reason, I think, is more because there is just something missing in my life. I know that I'm not where I'm supposed to me in my walk with God and I know that's a big part of it... They say that knowing is half the battle but sometimes it just seems so hard to actually put things into action.... you know how to fix it... you know how to get better... but you just can't seem to put it into motion.
I guess I really don't have much more to say than that. I wish that I had something to say that would provoke thought and help others but right now I don't. I hope that soon I fix me and can really start helping others and really get back to my old ways of thinking about stuff -- maybe then my blog will become active again
Saturday, February 26, 2011
"Somebody Love Me" by Michael W. Smith
Counting every moment
Biding all my time
Standing out here on my own
Searching for that someone
To heal this heart of mine
And keep me from being alone
But when will it be
And how will I know
I don't want to wait here forever
Chorus:
Somebody love me
Come and carry me away
Somebody need me
To be the blue in their grey
Somebody want me
The way I've always
dreamed it could be
Won't somebody love me, love me
I'm waiting for somebody
To dance across the floor
Sweeping me off of my feet
I'm looking for the right one
To open up that door
And offer me a tender retreat
It's like wanting to sing
But needing a song
When will I hear the music playing
Chorus
"Somebody Love Me" by Michael W. Smith
Biding all my time
Standing out here on my own
Searching for that someone
To heal this heart of mine
And keep me from being alone
But when will it be
And how will I know
I don't want to wait here forever
Chorus:
Somebody love me
Come and carry me away
Somebody need me
To be the blue in their grey
Somebody want me
The way I've always
dreamed it could be
Won't somebody love me, love me
I'm waiting for somebody
To dance across the floor
Sweeping me off of my feet
I'm looking for the right one
To open up that door
And offer me a tender retreat
It's like wanting to sing
But needing a song
When will I hear the music playing
Chorus
"Somebody Love Me" by Michael W. Smith
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Darius Rucker "Alright"
For now I'm just going to say God is amazing.... it's been a while since I posted a song to my blog but it's well overdue.... and this one is just plain perfect!
Alright, Alright
Yeah it's alright, alright
Don't need no five star reservations
I've got spaghetti and a cheap bottle of wine
Don't need no concert in the city
I've got a stereo and the best of Patsy Cline
Ain't got no caviar no Dom Perignon
But as far as I can see, I've got everything I want
Cause I've got a roof over my head,
the woman I love laying in my bed
And it's alright, alright
I've got shoes under my feet
Forever in her eyes staring back at me
And it's alright, alright
And I've got all I need
And it's alright by me
Maybe later on we'll walk down to the river
Lay on a blanket and stare up at the moon
It may not be no French Riviera
But it's all the same to me as long as im with you
It may be a simple life, but that's okay
If you ask me baby, I think I've got it made
Cause I've got a roof over my head,
the woman I love laying in my bed
And it's alright, alright
I've got shoes under my feet
Forever in her eyes staring back at me
And it's alright, alright
And I've got all I need
And it's alright by me
It's alright by me, yeah yeah
When I lay down at night I thank the Lord above
For giving me everything I ever could dream of
Cause I've got a roof over my head,
the woman I love laying in my bed
And it's alright, alright, alright, alright
I've got shoes under my feet
Forever in her eyes staring back at me
And it's alright, alright, alright
And I've got all I need, yeah
I've got all I need
And it's alright by me
Oh yeah, it's alright by me
"Alright" by Darius Rucker
Alright, Alright
Yeah it's alright, alright
Don't need no five star reservations
I've got spaghetti and a cheap bottle of wine
Don't need no concert in the city
I've got a stereo and the best of Patsy Cline
Ain't got no caviar no Dom Perignon
But as far as I can see, I've got everything I want
Cause I've got a roof over my head,
the woman I love laying in my bed
And it's alright, alright
I've got shoes under my feet
Forever in her eyes staring back at me
And it's alright, alright
And I've got all I need
And it's alright by me
Maybe later on we'll walk down to the river
Lay on a blanket and stare up at the moon
It may not be no French Riviera
But it's all the same to me as long as im with you
It may be a simple life, but that's okay
If you ask me baby, I think I've got it made
Cause I've got a roof over my head,
the woman I love laying in my bed
And it's alright, alright
I've got shoes under my feet
Forever in her eyes staring back at me
And it's alright, alright
And I've got all I need
And it's alright by me
It's alright by me, yeah yeah
When I lay down at night I thank the Lord above
For giving me everything I ever could dream of
Cause I've got a roof over my head,
the woman I love laying in my bed
And it's alright, alright, alright, alright
I've got shoes under my feet
Forever in her eyes staring back at me
And it's alright, alright, alright
And I've got all I need, yeah
I've got all I need
And it's alright by me
Oh yeah, it's alright by me
"Alright" by Darius Rucker
Friday, December 03, 2010
Ultimately alone
It's no secret that I've been dealing with a lot recently and, to many, it's known that I have hit the point of not caring and then somehow managed to muster enough care to keep going. There is a lot to be said about the people that are around you and the people that interact making a difference in your life and that difference can be both positive and negative. Probably one of the biggest things that I feel is a huge loneliness inside and a huge lack of purpose -- ironically I think those are both directly related since if there isn't anyone else around then there really isn't any purpose for anything.
One thing that's made it especially hard for me is that, while it's true that there are people that I interact with at the fire station, I am ultimately alone. I live alone and I work alone so the majority of my life is lived alone. With all of the things that I have been facing I've ultimately been facing them alone. The thing, above all else, that bugs me the most is that anytime I've tried to express this in a facebook status or a twitter update I always get the same thing over and over again... people coming out of everywhere to say that "no, that's not true" or that I mean something to them or that I have them or whatever but ultimately those are just words. Now, granted, some of those are from family who live 4 hours away and it's no fault of theirs but ultimately they can't be what I need and it's certainly not something I hold against them. I know I have people that are praying for me and I don't want to discount what that means to me in any way because it's huge -- but when I express this aloneness that I am dealing with it's not something that is going to be solved by someone saying that they are there but, instead, its going to take action.
I don't want to sit here and blame the world tho.... I know that at least some of this falls back on me, at least according to what some others have told me. Should I be going out and meeting people? Well, sure.... but where do I find people especially when doing anything requires money which just goes right back to other struggles in my life right now but besides that, after so long you really seriously start to believe that there is no one else out there like you. You can only have so many conversations before you start to realize that you look at things in a totally different light than all of the people around you and while a part of me is proud of who I am and how I look at things there is also that huge part of me that feels more and more alienated because, well, there isn't really anyone that gets me. I'm sure that I've made subconscious choices that have led me to this lonely life that I live but then, at the same point, many of those choices may have been made to protect me because I'm guessing it's better to feel alone than to feel rejected.... but what do I know since the lonely feeling brings it's own feeling of rejection.
I don't know what the solution is... I don't know if there is one.... and this isn't really a blog asking for advice but, rather, its just trying to get things off my chest.
One thing that's made it especially hard for me is that, while it's true that there are people that I interact with at the fire station, I am ultimately alone. I live alone and I work alone so the majority of my life is lived alone. With all of the things that I have been facing I've ultimately been facing them alone. The thing, above all else, that bugs me the most is that anytime I've tried to express this in a facebook status or a twitter update I always get the same thing over and over again... people coming out of everywhere to say that "no, that's not true" or that I mean something to them or that I have them or whatever but ultimately those are just words. Now, granted, some of those are from family who live 4 hours away and it's no fault of theirs but ultimately they can't be what I need and it's certainly not something I hold against them. I know I have people that are praying for me and I don't want to discount what that means to me in any way because it's huge -- but when I express this aloneness that I am dealing with it's not something that is going to be solved by someone saying that they are there but, instead, its going to take action.
I don't want to sit here and blame the world tho.... I know that at least some of this falls back on me, at least according to what some others have told me. Should I be going out and meeting people? Well, sure.... but where do I find people especially when doing anything requires money which just goes right back to other struggles in my life right now but besides that, after so long you really seriously start to believe that there is no one else out there like you. You can only have so many conversations before you start to realize that you look at things in a totally different light than all of the people around you and while a part of me is proud of who I am and how I look at things there is also that huge part of me that feels more and more alienated because, well, there isn't really anyone that gets me. I'm sure that I've made subconscious choices that have led me to this lonely life that I live but then, at the same point, many of those choices may have been made to protect me because I'm guessing it's better to feel alone than to feel rejected.... but what do I know since the lonely feeling brings it's own feeling of rejection.
I don't know what the solution is... I don't know if there is one.... and this isn't really a blog asking for advice but, rather, its just trying to get things off my chest.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Oh, My Life
Sometimes I really struggle with life but its not the struggle I question but the reason for the struggle that bugs me. I have a lot of things happen to me that people have to look at me and say "quit being so irresponsible and you won't have these problems".... and while there are some people that certainly respond to me that way the thing is that I also have to question where I'm being irresponsible and then when I find few places that I could change I start to think that I'm just simply blind and lost which ends up frustrating me even more.
I know there is a concept that I've mentioned in my blog before that I still struggle with simply because, in some ways, it actually sounds like I'm indicating God is wanting me to be irresponsible. I don't believe this at all but what I struggle with is if God is just letting me get into scenarios where the end result always looks like I'm being irresponsible. What's the reason? Well, its the climb I guess. In 1999 it was really hard to find anyone that thought moving to Florida to work at Disney World without even having a place to live was a responsible move..... and quite honestly when I look back I wonder if it was but then I realize the reality of what 2000 looked like for me when many people who I knew before and after where constantly commenting on how much more mature I was after coming back. There were so many other things that happened as well like the college education for only 1 year, and the decissions I made with certain jobs that just didn't seem logical..... my life is full of them and I can't really blame anyone for looking at me as being irresponsible because sometimes I have to ask myself that question. What I've learned, however, is that illogical and irresponsible don't always go hand in hand especially when you're trying your best to answer to a supernatural God who has an understanding far above our own.
It was somewhere between 2 to 3 years ago that my life started to feel stable for the first time. I had bought a house (a house that, at the time, I could easily afford), I had ended up running my own business that was really doing quite well.... things were just awesome. I thought that maybe God was done letting these horrible things happen in my life. In May I turned 30 and there was starting to be a bit of a financial pinch at that point but ultimately I felt like I had become one of these so-called adults and was only dealing with normal adult stuff. In reality, it was the peak and the little struggle was just the start of that downhill descent that is possibly one of the largest that I've had to deal with in a very long time, if at all.
Ultimately, this economy has kicked my ass. In 2009 my income had dropped drastically to the point where I made just a little over half of what I made in 2008 and while I had some good months in 2010 I also had some really bad ones as well..... things that I just couldn't get around. I fell behind on bills and on my mortgage but had been paying regularly. The short story is that CitiMortgage has started the foreclosure process and tomorrow at 10am my house is to be sold. I find myself looking back and trying to figure out what I did wrong or what I could have done differently but ultimately I don't see anything. For the last couple of weeks I have been working with HOME of Virginia which is a HUD counseling agency and at many times you could just tell the shock in my counselors voice at what CitiMortgage has been doing. The reality is that the date CitiMortgage started foreclosure on me was only a couple days after I was 3 months late which, for most places, is unheard of. I know many people who are many months behind on their mortgage and, while they get letters, no legal action has been taken yet, for me, I end up getting the worst of all.
I know I'm not alone. What is beyond me is CitiMortgage. Here's the story of what happened. I sent a payment of $1400 to CitiMortgage at the end of September and, according to my bank, it was processed by Citi on 09/28/2010. Shortly after I scheduled that payment I received notice of foreclosure from an attorney acting on CitiMortgage's behalf. About a week after that I received a letter that was dated the part of September that explained CitiMortgage wanted to work with me regarding my account but, of course, this made it to me nearly a month later after the foreclosure was processed so that was null and void. Prior to this I had monthly filled out their online assistance form because they said I was eligible for assistance but then the system said that I was not eligible for assistance. I immediately filled out the information to work with HOME of Virginia in trying to save my house and was assigned a counselor on 10/26/10 and by this time I had already received a letter from CitiMortgage dated on 10/15/10 that indicated they were selling my mortgage account to IBM Lender Business Processor Service effective on 11/01/10 which was interesting because the day before I received that letter was when I received the notice that my house was being sold at foreclosure on November 3rd at 10am. Obviously I was confused but had no idea who to talk to because, well, who owned my loan? I received an email from CitiMortgage's attorney asking for information so they could work out a modification and I replied asking them what the status was and let them know that I was working with a HUD counselor but never received a response. So at this point it looked like I was going to be starting over on November 1st but, then, on the 27th I received another letter from CitiMortgage basically saying they changed their mind and that they were NOT transfering my loan to IBM. In talking to the HUD counselor I've found out that Citi is required to process me through the HAMP program and that, by law, they have to send me a letter indicating that I was denied that program before they can foreclose. I contacted Citi's attorney and they said they had not received any copies of those denial letters and that they would check into it for me but that they can not postpone unless Citi tells them too. I then contact CitiMortgage and they began to argue with me and contradicted everything that I had just been told by my HUD counselor. My HUD counselor attempted to contact them the following day but they said that they had no record that she was allowed to act on my behalf. She informed me that she had proof that the fax had been processed but that she was resubmitting it. Everything that Citi has been doing seems to be shady ways of getting around the system and even if they are violating laws they are playing stupid because they know the sale date is so close. So here I am, having no idea what to expect tomorrow..... and oh, yea.... the $1400 that I sent to Citi? They said they received it but that they aren't crediting it to my account and when I asked for them to send it back they said "No, we're keeping it"......
I, again, can't answer the question "Why me?" I'm not losing my house for lack of trying... I'm not losing my house because I bought something I couldn't afford (I had no problems paying the mortgage until the economy hit me this year).... I just had a horrible string of bad luck and, yes, I know, I know.... I seem to have a lot of that.... and believe me, I ask myself all the time what I'm doing wrong and why in the end I'm always turning out to be irresponsible and, with the exception of a few people who know me intimately, I can totally understand why many people think that of me. People always question why bad things happen to good people but finding an answer to that is extremely hard. There is only one thing that I can hold on to right now and that is that the previous times when things like this happened to me I ended up a happier person on the other side of it. All of the pain I endured and will endure I know is not for nothing.... there is a plan for this and I believe in the post I made last week (I actually began working on this post first and it was in the middle of this post that God really impressed the roller coaster concept on me). I don't know what's ahead.... and I'm scared to death... but I can hold on to the fact that the track of this ride has been laid out by God and He's taken everything into account and knows what He is doing. I may be getting sick of this ride and want off but thats the thing about roller coasters... you can't just get off of them in the middle of the ride like you might be able to on other types of rides.
"Why?" is such a popular question and a valid question but we don't always get the answer we want, if we get an answer at all. Why am I going through all of this? Most people want to say that I'm irresponsible or I've done something to really screw up and sometimes I have to fight myself to not believe that because I know that I've done everything that I could.... the only way I can answer that is quite simply that God is letting me go through something in order to make me a stronger person and maybe in the future I'll be able to help someone through a similar situation. Am I going to lose my house? It looks like it. What am I going to do? I'm sure crying will be one of the big things but ultimately I just have to focus on the fact that God is watching over me whether it feels like it or not.
I know there is a concept that I've mentioned in my blog before that I still struggle with simply because, in some ways, it actually sounds like I'm indicating God is wanting me to be irresponsible. I don't believe this at all but what I struggle with is if God is just letting me get into scenarios where the end result always looks like I'm being irresponsible. What's the reason? Well, its the climb I guess. In 1999 it was really hard to find anyone that thought moving to Florida to work at Disney World without even having a place to live was a responsible move..... and quite honestly when I look back I wonder if it was but then I realize the reality of what 2000 looked like for me when many people who I knew before and after where constantly commenting on how much more mature I was after coming back. There were so many other things that happened as well like the college education for only 1 year, and the decissions I made with certain jobs that just didn't seem logical..... my life is full of them and I can't really blame anyone for looking at me as being irresponsible because sometimes I have to ask myself that question. What I've learned, however, is that illogical and irresponsible don't always go hand in hand especially when you're trying your best to answer to a supernatural God who has an understanding far above our own.
It was somewhere between 2 to 3 years ago that my life started to feel stable for the first time. I had bought a house (a house that, at the time, I could easily afford), I had ended up running my own business that was really doing quite well.... things were just awesome. I thought that maybe God was done letting these horrible things happen in my life. In May I turned 30 and there was starting to be a bit of a financial pinch at that point but ultimately I felt like I had become one of these so-called adults and was only dealing with normal adult stuff. In reality, it was the peak and the little struggle was just the start of that downhill descent that is possibly one of the largest that I've had to deal with in a very long time, if at all.
Ultimately, this economy has kicked my ass. In 2009 my income had dropped drastically to the point where I made just a little over half of what I made in 2008 and while I had some good months in 2010 I also had some really bad ones as well..... things that I just couldn't get around. I fell behind on bills and on my mortgage but had been paying regularly. The short story is that CitiMortgage has started the foreclosure process and tomorrow at 10am my house is to be sold. I find myself looking back and trying to figure out what I did wrong or what I could have done differently but ultimately I don't see anything. For the last couple of weeks I have been working with HOME of Virginia which is a HUD counseling agency and at many times you could just tell the shock in my counselors voice at what CitiMortgage has been doing. The reality is that the date CitiMortgage started foreclosure on me was only a couple days after I was 3 months late which, for most places, is unheard of. I know many people who are many months behind on their mortgage and, while they get letters, no legal action has been taken yet, for me, I end up getting the worst of all.
I know I'm not alone. What is beyond me is CitiMortgage. Here's the story of what happened. I sent a payment of $1400 to CitiMortgage at the end of September and, according to my bank, it was processed by Citi on 09/28/2010. Shortly after I scheduled that payment I received notice of foreclosure from an attorney acting on CitiMortgage's behalf. About a week after that I received a letter that was dated the part of September that explained CitiMortgage wanted to work with me regarding my account but, of course, this made it to me nearly a month later after the foreclosure was processed so that was null and void. Prior to this I had monthly filled out their online assistance form because they said I was eligible for assistance but then the system said that I was not eligible for assistance. I immediately filled out the information to work with HOME of Virginia in trying to save my house and was assigned a counselor on 10/26/10 and by this time I had already received a letter from CitiMortgage dated on 10/15/10 that indicated they were selling my mortgage account to IBM Lender Business Processor Service effective on 11/01/10 which was interesting because the day before I received that letter was when I received the notice that my house was being sold at foreclosure on November 3rd at 10am. Obviously I was confused but had no idea who to talk to because, well, who owned my loan? I received an email from CitiMortgage's attorney asking for information so they could work out a modification and I replied asking them what the status was and let them know that I was working with a HUD counselor but never received a response. So at this point it looked like I was going to be starting over on November 1st but, then, on the 27th I received another letter from CitiMortgage basically saying they changed their mind and that they were NOT transfering my loan to IBM. In talking to the HUD counselor I've found out that Citi is required to process me through the HAMP program and that, by law, they have to send me a letter indicating that I was denied that program before they can foreclose. I contacted Citi's attorney and they said they had not received any copies of those denial letters and that they would check into it for me but that they can not postpone unless Citi tells them too. I then contact CitiMortgage and they began to argue with me and contradicted everything that I had just been told by my HUD counselor. My HUD counselor attempted to contact them the following day but they said that they had no record that she was allowed to act on my behalf. She informed me that she had proof that the fax had been processed but that she was resubmitting it. Everything that Citi has been doing seems to be shady ways of getting around the system and even if they are violating laws they are playing stupid because they know the sale date is so close. So here I am, having no idea what to expect tomorrow..... and oh, yea.... the $1400 that I sent to Citi? They said they received it but that they aren't crediting it to my account and when I asked for them to send it back they said "No, we're keeping it"......
I, again, can't answer the question "Why me?" I'm not losing my house for lack of trying... I'm not losing my house because I bought something I couldn't afford (I had no problems paying the mortgage until the economy hit me this year).... I just had a horrible string of bad luck and, yes, I know, I know.... I seem to have a lot of that.... and believe me, I ask myself all the time what I'm doing wrong and why in the end I'm always turning out to be irresponsible and, with the exception of a few people who know me intimately, I can totally understand why many people think that of me. People always question why bad things happen to good people but finding an answer to that is extremely hard. There is only one thing that I can hold on to right now and that is that the previous times when things like this happened to me I ended up a happier person on the other side of it. All of the pain I endured and will endure I know is not for nothing.... there is a plan for this and I believe in the post I made last week (I actually began working on this post first and it was in the middle of this post that God really impressed the roller coaster concept on me). I don't know what's ahead.... and I'm scared to death... but I can hold on to the fact that the track of this ride has been laid out by God and He's taken everything into account and knows what He is doing. I may be getting sick of this ride and want off but thats the thing about roller coasters... you can't just get off of them in the middle of the ride like you might be able to on other types of rides.
"Why?" is such a popular question and a valid question but we don't always get the answer we want, if we get an answer at all. Why am I going through all of this? Most people want to say that I'm irresponsible or I've done something to really screw up and sometimes I have to fight myself to not believe that because I know that I've done everything that I could.... the only way I can answer that is quite simply that God is letting me go through something in order to make me a stronger person and maybe in the future I'll be able to help someone through a similar situation. Am I going to lose my house? It looks like it. What am I going to do? I'm sure crying will be one of the big things but ultimately I just have to focus on the fact that God is watching over me whether it feels like it or not.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Life is a Roller Coaster
There are many people that say about life being like a roller coaster but I don't think many people stop to think about the anatomy of a roller coaster. What is it about a roller coaster that is so exciting? Is it the climb up the first hill? Not at all... sure, you may be anxious but that's not exciting. When you see the fall your about to take that fear is interpreted as excitement because physiologically our bodies respond to fear the same way as they respond to excitement. When your starting over that first hill your scared but you also know that the ride is designed to keep you safe..... its then that your body still responds in the same way but your mind knows you're safe. As you climb the next hill your body is still in an aroused state and your smiling because while there is a climb and maybe not any excitement your body is releasing endorphins and your mind also knows that the ride did its job and your safe and you prepare for the next drop. Even if you were terrified of the ride at the start you are now simply enjoying it. Sometimes the ride runs out of momentum and the designed puts in a second lift hill because the train isn't going to climb it on its own.... you need assistance.
A roller coaster really is a great representation of life. It all starts out with your parents helping you through those first stages of your life. Its a slow climb but, as is demonstrated by every kid saying they can't wait till they are grown up, its a time of anticipation for what will come. It often seems like the top of that hill is so far away and you can't wait till to get there but then the closer you get there the more that anxious fear sets in. Suddenly you start going over the top and your parents are barely holding on because the chain is ending and your own momentum takes over and you pull away from that chain and its scary and exciting but the track holds you even though you may feel out of control. Your life continues with ups and downs and you've gotta work to climb the hills and you feel like your about to run out of momentum but you just make it over the hills and fall again. Sometimes weird things happen and because of the wind or some other weird anomaly the train just doesn't quite make it over a hill that it was supposed to but because this is a possibility the designer already put a safety that prevents the train from going backwards down the hill.... and then there are those times where the train runs out of momentum and the designer places a climbing hill with a chain that pulls you up that hill so that you can start again with fresh momentum. Sadly, all rides eventually come to an end and its only memories that last and it may mean that you're no longer around but its your experiences on that ride that make others look forward to it rather than be afraid of it.
God has placed many things on the tracks of our lives. There are people there to catch us and keep us from falling until God comes and pushes that train over the hill that it didn't quite make it.... and there are people that support us when we're down and out and just don't have the momentum to get over the next huge phase of our lives. He's put our parents in place to get us to the top of that first hill and designed a track that keeps us excited and catches us before we hit the ground. It's all thought out and planned and there to make the most out of this life. If those ups and downs were not there then our lives would be simply like the train in kiddie land that goes around on flat land -- in other words, boring. Those exciting times in our life are the times where we are scared to death but have an understanding that God is there to catch us at the bottom and guide us back up to start the next hill. We never really know what is ahead in our lives and that's by design. If we could see the entire roller coaster before we get on it then we're not quite as thrilled because part of the thrill is being taken by surprise. What makes life exciting is all of this but the important part is knowing that the designer knows what He was doing and you're eventually going to make it.
A roller coaster really is a great representation of life. It all starts out with your parents helping you through those first stages of your life. Its a slow climb but, as is demonstrated by every kid saying they can't wait till they are grown up, its a time of anticipation for what will come. It often seems like the top of that hill is so far away and you can't wait till to get there but then the closer you get there the more that anxious fear sets in. Suddenly you start going over the top and your parents are barely holding on because the chain is ending and your own momentum takes over and you pull away from that chain and its scary and exciting but the track holds you even though you may feel out of control. Your life continues with ups and downs and you've gotta work to climb the hills and you feel like your about to run out of momentum but you just make it over the hills and fall again. Sometimes weird things happen and because of the wind or some other weird anomaly the train just doesn't quite make it over a hill that it was supposed to but because this is a possibility the designer already put a safety that prevents the train from going backwards down the hill.... and then there are those times where the train runs out of momentum and the designer places a climbing hill with a chain that pulls you up that hill so that you can start again with fresh momentum. Sadly, all rides eventually come to an end and its only memories that last and it may mean that you're no longer around but its your experiences on that ride that make others look forward to it rather than be afraid of it.
God has placed many things on the tracks of our lives. There are people there to catch us and keep us from falling until God comes and pushes that train over the hill that it didn't quite make it.... and there are people that support us when we're down and out and just don't have the momentum to get over the next huge phase of our lives. He's put our parents in place to get us to the top of that first hill and designed a track that keeps us excited and catches us before we hit the ground. It's all thought out and planned and there to make the most out of this life. If those ups and downs were not there then our lives would be simply like the train in kiddie land that goes around on flat land -- in other words, boring. Those exciting times in our life are the times where we are scared to death but have an understanding that God is there to catch us at the bottom and guide us back up to start the next hill. We never really know what is ahead in our lives and that's by design. If we could see the entire roller coaster before we get on it then we're not quite as thrilled because part of the thrill is being taken by surprise. What makes life exciting is all of this but the important part is knowing that the designer knows what He was doing and you're eventually going to make it.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Rally To Restore Sanity
From the rally's website:
Ours is a rally for the people who’ve been too busy to go to rallies, who actually have lives and families and jobs (or are looking for jobs) — not so much the Silent Majority as the Busy Majority. If we had to sum up the political view of our participants in a single sentence… we couldn’t. That’s sort of the point.
Think of our event as Woodstock, but with the nudity and drugs replaced by respectful disagreement; the Million Man March, only a lot smaller, and a bit less of a sausage fest; or the Gathering of the Juggalos, but instead of throwing our feces at Tila Tequila, we’ll be actively *not* throwing our feces at Tila Tequila. Join us in the shadow of the Washington Monument. And bring your indoor voice. Or don’t. If you’d rather stay home, go to work, or drive your kids to soccer practice… Actually, please come anyway. Ask the sitter if she can stay a few extra hours, just this once. We’ll make it worth your while.
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